Gentleman Nine

There was no way I was going to wait for her to tell me she needed time to figure things out. I couldn’t even bear to hear those words. I was going to give her time before she could say what I knew was coming. As painful as it was, I couldn’t allow myself to fall more deeply in love with Amber if there was a chance she was going to go back to him. I also understood what this must have been doing to her psyche.

My mind was racing. The only decision that made sense was to take my mother and leave, give Amber the time and space to sort her head out over this.

“You can’t absorb all of this in one night,” I said. “You need time to figure it out with a clear head. And I don’t think I should be here while you do.”

“What are you saying?”

“My contract is almost up. I’m gonna tell them about my mother and that I have to go back home now. Gonna head back to Chicago in the next couple of days. Christmas is next week, so Mom’s gonna want to be home for that anyway.”

A look of alarm flashed across Amber’s face as she gripped my shirt. A fresh tear fell down her cheek. “I don’t want you to leave. You were supposed to be here for Christmas.”

Even though it made me feel good that she wished I could have stayed for the holidays, I no longer knew whether the tears in her eyes were for me or for Rory. I hated having to share anything with him, even her goddamn tears.

My anger at the universe knew no end. I needed to let some of what was inside out.

Placing my hands on hers, I pressed them into my chest and looked deeply into her eyes. “Amber, look at me. I need you to really hear this.” I moved my hands to wrap them firmly around her face. “I feel like I didn’t really get to make my feelings as clear as I wanted to earlier, because I was crunched for time. I misspoke.” Sucking in some air, I said, “I’m not falling in love with you. I am in love with you.” When she started to open her mouth to speak, I cut her off, “Please don’t ever tell me you love me back unless you’re one-hundred percent mine. I don’t want to hear those words otherwise. It will only sting.” I leaned my forehead on hers. “I think the moment my feelings for you really hit me was when I felt oddly disappointed that you weren’t pregnant. I realized that there was never any fear of being trapped with you because I was exactly where I wanted to be. This has all happened fast with us, yes, but it’s very real for me. Every day I’ve felt closer to you. Even when you’d show me your vulnerabilities, I love those, too. They make you real. I may not have the past nine years to give you, but I can give you many more to come.”

I told myself I wasn’t going to kiss her but I couldn’t help lowering my mouth to hers as she eagerly received my kiss. That made me even more revved up. My words came out faster. “I want to fuck you in our bed every night. I want to read with you, and laugh about stupid shit, make you blush, feed you weird food, and stay up until all hours of the night talking. I want to fall asleep to the sound of your breathing. I want everything we’ve had over the past few months times infinity. I want it all—the good and the bad. But as much as I want it, I sure as fuck ain’t sharing you.”

She pounded on my chest in frustration. “Channing…I wish tonight never happened.”

I locked her hands to stop her. “I know that, beautiful. I can only imagine how confused you are right now. It pisses me off that he put you in this situation. He should have just been honest from the beginning.”

Did I really feel that way? If he’d done that, I never would have had this time with her.

Her lip was quivering. “I’m not ready for you to leave.”

“It’s not forever. I may be in love with you, but I’ve been your friend for a lot longer than I’ve been your lover. I’ll always be your friend, even if it pains the shit out of me. And as your friend, I know you enough to know that you need this time to figure it all out. If you told me you didn’t need it, I’d still make you take it. Don’t forget, I had the unfortunate circumstance of being your confidante before I was ever your boyfriend, which means I know exactly how strong your feelings for Rory are. You can’t tell me otherwise, and you can’t expect me to believe that this news didn’t rock your world. I get it. I don’t like it…but I get it.” I wiped a tear from her cheek. “Only time can show me whether what he’s told you tonight changes anything between us. If we’re meant to be, we’ll survive this. And if you choose to be with him…” I paused to gather my thoughts and curb my emotions. “If you choose to be with him, I won’t hate you or hold it against you. I’ll understand it was because you were following your heart. I only want you to be with me if it’s the only place you want to be.”