Drunk Dial

I cleared my throat, so he’d know I was there.

He turned around, spatula in hand. “Hey! How’d you sleep?”

“Like a baby once I finally dozed off.”

“Good.” He grabbed a mug and poured me some coffee. “How do you take it?”

Even a simple question like that sent my aroused mind into a tizzy.

“How do you take it?” Why did everything sound seductive all of a sudden?

“Just cream.”

“Milk okay? I’ll buy some cream later now that I know you like it.”

“Milk is great.”

My fingers brushed against his as he handed me the steaming mug. Even that little bit of contact sent chills through me.

“Thank you.”

His eyes lingered on mine before he walked away and returned to the counter. Landon seemed a bit on edge, and I couldn’t figure out why. Insecurity was creeping in, trying to have me convinced that his slightly off behavior had something to do with disappointment in me.

He spoke with his back turned to me. “I’m just gonna wrap these breakfast burritos while they’re warm, and we’ll take them down to the beach.”

There was a slight morning chill in the air as we quietly strolled down toward the water. Landon had poured more coffee into two tumblers, and we carried the foil-wrapped burritos.

We picked a spot and sat down next to each other on the thin, fleece blanket he’d brought. Surrounded by seagulls and eating in silence, we gazed out toward the ocean.

When we finished breakfast, Landon took my leftover foil and threw it in a bag he’d brought for garbage. With no food left to distract us, I turned to him and asked the question that had been bugging me.

“Are you okay?”

He took my hand and looped his fingers through mine. “I’m really good, yeah.”

“You’re being very quiet. I was just wondering what was on your mind.”

“I do have a lot on my mind—namely you. To be honest, I’m finding…I’m not really sure how to act around you.”

“What do you mean?”

He looked out toward the water to gather his thoughts then said, “I’m still adjusting to you being here in the flesh. I think I wasn’t as prepared for it as I thought I’d be. I don’t know how to handle my attraction to you, because I feel like…it might make you uncomfortable. So, I’m trying to hold back from letting it show, and I don’t really know how to do that. Because what I’m feeling…it’s pretty intense. You’re stunning. I want to just stare at you, but I know you have a major hang-up about your looks. To be perfectly honest, I want to do more than just stare at you. But I know if I fuck this up, you’ll run right back to Michigan before I even have a chance to spend any time with you.”

I hated that I’d made him feel like he needed to walk on eggshells around me. The truth was, I’d been petrified to show him what I’d done. But now that I was actually here, that didn’t matter as much anymore.

“I was ashamed to show you what I’d done to my face and body.”

“Why? It’s not like they messed up. You’re fucking perfect.”

“I know. They did a great job. Tiny, pinned-up nose. Perfectly round breasts. Shayla and I always had the same big, green eyes but everything else was different. I basically made it so that I look just like my mother, and I haven’t stopped beating myself up about it. There was nothing wrong with me before, Landon. But I somehow believed there was, that she left because I wasn’t good enough, that I needed to look more like her to be worth something in life. I can’t bear to look at myself sometimes.”

“The money your grandparents gave you…now it makes sense. You used it for the plastic surgery.”

“Yep. They gave me money for school, and I ran away with it as soon as I turned eighteen. Went to see a doctor in Detroit and got my nose and boobs done. Laser hair removal, too. I stayed in a cheap motel for months. What kind of a person takes their grandparents’ money and does that?”

“Someone who’s disillusioned and lost. But you were young. I’m sure they’ve forgiven you now.”

“They have, but I don’t think they should’ve.”

“We’ve all made mistakes, Rana. You have to forgive yourself. You have to accept what you did. You also have to accept that people are going to look at you and find you fucking beautiful, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Own it.”

“I’ve been terrified about showing you, because I knew the way you would look at me.”

“Would it make you feel better if I lied and told you I didn’t want you, that I thought you were hideous?”

“No. I do like that you’re attracted to me. The reality is, it makes me feel great and terrible at the same time.”