We Have Till Dawn

He flinched slightly at the last part but pressed forward and fell straight into my trap. “I’d like to hear about your profiling.”

There we go.

Once I’d shared my perception of him, the sensitive subjects would be right there, hovering above us, and he could choose what to dissect.

“Let’s see…” I sat back and pretended to ponder, as if I didn’t already know exactly what to say. I’d only had weeks to think about this. “When Tina told me of your, uh, deal with your fiancée—then the fact that you’re paying a crapload for everything—I automatically assumed you come from wealth. I still have that impression. Your family’s well-off, and I bet you’re not the first in line to be named Gideon.”

He offered a small, stiff smile. “The fourth.”

Not surprising.

“You live around here somewhere,” I continued. “You have a private driver who takes you to work in the morning and wherever you need to go. You’re a reliable man and probably stand by your commitments even when you shouldn’t.” I got a slight reaction to that. The corners of his eyes tightened. “You’re an aggressive and instinctual lover, and you need to stay in control—or so you think. I think, if you found someone you trusted wholeheartedly, you’d enjoy letting your guard down and have another person take care of you, at least outside the bedroom. What else?” I drummed my fingers absently against the table. “This exploring thing… I don’t know, I’m guessing social stigma and fear of not being accepted has kept you in the closet about being gay or bi. In old-school circles, it’s still taboo to be different.”

I wasn’t cocky enough to believe I was right on the money, but I was close… I could tell. He was back to avoiding eye contact, and his jaw ticked with tension. I sensed the restlessness in his posture.

“I also think you’ve successfully created a world of order and structure around yourself,” I said, “and it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

That one earned me a sharp look.

“Without structure, my world falls apart,” he said tightly. “I spent my childhood in and out of panic attacks, and it took me years to find ways to cope in our society. What you see today—every step I take, every word that comes out of my mouth—is due to structured training and confining myself. We speak figuratively about children learning to crawl before they can walk, but for me, there were approximately a dozen steps between crawling and walking.”

I showed my palms to indicate I wasn’t arguing with him—or doubting him, for that matter.

“I start out in a small box,” he added. “Inch by inch, I expand it.”

“I believe you, hon,” I replied quickly. Because I didn’t want him to think I didn’t. He was clearly sensitive about this. “But then you also know that our arrangement—the way you designed it originally—never woulda given you what you wanted. Right? ’Cause you’ve expanded the box now. We’re talking. We see each other. No one’s wearing a mask, and we don’t need the dark anymore.”

His intense gaze flickered from one spot on my face to another as he processed what I’d said.

“In retrospect, yes,” he conceded.

I nodded once. “I shook your structure. And you lived. It was uncomfortable for a moment, and you had to adjust, but we pulled through, didn’t we? That’s my only point—and you’ve done it your whole life. You’ve pushed yourself and created new boundaries.” I gestured between us. “We’re the same. You established a perimeter for our relationship, and then we reached a point where it wasn’t enough. You said you felt alone when I wasn’t participating.”

He nodded, remembering. It’d been such a pivotal point.

“I’m obviously gonna do my best not to push you too hard,” I went on. “But I think you’re stronger than you appear to believe. I don’t think you’re obeying boundaries right now because you’re not ready for more—I think it’s something else. You’ve mentioned having commitments. Something about this—about us—is supposed to be purely physical.”

“Well, yes.” He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “A physical arrangement was the agreement I made with my fiancée. It was what she agreed to.”

I stared at him, waiting, and I felt like we’d reached the stage where it was time he told me about this engagement of his. But maybe I was wrong? The lines were getting blurry, and I could possibly be getting ahead of myself. I just felt like we’d made such good progress…

But in the end, I was still a piece of ass he paid for.

I scratched my forehead, unsure of how to proceed.

“Your observational skills are a little too good,” he said, glancing toward the booth across the narrow aisle. “I live two streets away. I do have a driver, and he’s the only one who knows I’m attracted to men.” He coughed a little and directed his gaze to the table. “Except for Claire, then. I told her a few months ago when we discussed marriage. I told her I couldn’t go through with anything while I had these…thoughts and urges.”