Zero Regret (Lost Kings MC 13)
I wait until he nods.
“I was afraid if you went after him when he was being so thoroughly watched, you’d be the one to end up in prison.” My voice breaks. “I didn’t want that. No matter how I resisted falling for you at first, I knew how much I already loved you.” My hoarse voice dies out and I shake my head, unable to form another word.
“That was my decision to make, Lilly.” He kneels in front of me and takes my hands. “I get that I haven’t always been forthcoming with information about what I do, but I’m not a stupid man. I don’t act impulsively. I also don’t let anyone hurt the people I love.”
“I was terrified. They wanted me to go back to work as if nothing happened.”
“What? How?”
“So I could dig up information about him. Their twisted way to let me “help” take him down so I’d feel justice prevailed or some nonsense. But just thinking of looking at my desk again… The—”
My voice breaks, a startlingly clear image of that night forming in my mind. For a second, I can’t speak.
“Lilly?”
“I’m fine,” I continue in a calmer voice. “I couldn’t do it. I got sick every time I thought about walking through those doors.”
“Lilly, a bunch of your friends are lawyers, why didn’t you ask one of them for help?”
“I didn’t want to put any of my friends in danger. They threatened to arrest me if I said anything about the investigation to anyone.”
I shake my head and take another deep breath. I’m almost done. I’d survived the darkest memories. “The worst was how terrified I was that he’d get me alone again. I couldn’t look at his smug, evil face, knowing what he’d gotten away with.” I shrug and shake my head, ignoring the tears now freely raining down my cheeks. “So, I ran.”
Z
My damn heart’s cracking in two.
This is so much worse than I thought. And yet, in the darkest parts of my mind it’s what I’d dreaded the most.
My pride could handle Lilly running because she was scared of me or the club. In my world, those fears make sense. Especially since she’s an outsider. More than ever, I wish the club was what chased her away. My love for her can’t stand that someone hurt and threatened her.
A fury like I’ve never known races through my veins. My mind’s veering away from logic and towards a punishing murder spree.
“Z,” she whispers, breaking through my red fog of anger. “Please. There’s nothing you can do.”
“Like fuck I can’t.” My rage pitches toward cold-blooded murdering rampage territory.
“Everyone has their eye on him, in case he tries to flee the country before the trial.”
“So?”
“You can’t do anything.”
“I won’t do a thing.” The lie rolls right off my tongue. This matter is out of Lilly’s hands now. She never has to know. I don’t want any of it in her head. But this will be handled. My need to fight, to hurt someone, has me clenched tight.
She tilts her head. “Do you think I’m an idiot?”
“You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever known.”
Something about her expression softens. “Then don’t lie to me.”
“I won’t do anything half-cocked. Is that better?”
“No.”
“He needs to be punished for this, Lilly.” More specifically, he needs to die.
“You have enough to handle right now.” She raises an eyebrow. Ah, reminding me how my club duties have expanded exponentially lately is a good move on her part. It won’t stop me from doing what needs to be done but it’s a solid play.
“You’re safe with me, Lilly. You know that, right?”
“And I want you to be safe with me.” She bites her lip. “I can’t be the cause of any trouble for you. I’ve already—”
“Don’t.” I glance around the living room. A few taped-up boxes are stacked by the dining table. “Is that all you’re taking down to the house?”
The change in conversation seems to startle her at first. “You said it’s furnished, right?”
“You might want to buy some new sheets and stuff, but yeah.”
She chuckles. “I can do that.” She glances over at the boxes again. “That’s all I need for right now. I told you most of my stuff is still out in California.”
“I might be able to sneak away in a couple weeks to go help you pack up and move back.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yup.”
“Okay. I’d like that.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “What did you tell my brother? About why Chance needed to stay over?”
“That I wasn’t sure how late we’d be.” Even though I’m not feeling it at the moment, I give her a cocky smirk to lighten the mood. “I didn’t say it was for a fuckfest or anything.”
The wise-ass comment has the intended effect. She chuckles softly. “God, I hope not.”
Maybe it’s stupid, but I’m still curious about her relationship with Ted and her life in California. I’m cautious not to tread on territory that will upset her, though. “What happened…” I’m not sure how to say it. “After?”
She lets out a long sigh and pushes her hair behind her ear. “I was in the hospital for a while. After the way I left my job and dropped everything, I had no insurance so I racked up quite a bit of debt. Ted helped me get a job. Helped me work out something with the hospital. Somehow, we started spending a lot of time together. I felt comfortable around him. He didn’t hit on me or want to date me. I figured out why later.” She laughs softly.
And there goes my last remaining bits of jealousy over Ted. He helped her at the worst time in her life. It should’ve been me by her side. But I’m glad she wasn’t completely alone. “Guess I shoulda been nicer to the poor guy, huh?”
“I warned you.”
“Chance?” As much time as Lilly and I have spent together, I haven’t asked a lot of questions about Chance’s birth or what he was like as a baby. The pain’s still too fresh.
She swallows hard and meets my eyes. “He was a beautiful baby. I mean, I know all mothers think that, but he really was. Calm too. I can’t tell you how many times I…”
“What?”
“Wanted to call you. You probably don’t believe me. It sounds self-serving, I know. But you were always in my thoughts. That should’ve been a clue, right?”
Guilt slams into my gut harder than a tire iron. Lilly dealt with so much fucked up stuff. Alone. Had my kid. Shouldered all this guilt.
And what was I doing?
Pouting like a little boy because she left. Fucking anyone and anythin
g in sight to erase her from my memory.
It’s an ugly truth I’m not proud of. Something I don’t ever want to tell her.
I knew where she was. I’d tracked her ass down because the curiosity killed me. But my pride wouldn’t allow me to go to her and beg for answers.
Now, I wish I had.
If I’d known she was pregnant, the circumstances wouldn’t have mattered. Besides all I have to do is look at Chance or be in his presence to know he’s mine.
“Alex was there when he was born?”
“He was. Ted encouraged me to at least share the news with Alex and he flew out almost as soon as I told him I was pregnant and stayed with me for a while.”
“Does he know? Did you tell him about this?” I touch her arms.
“No. God, no.”
Thank fuck, because if Alex knew she’d been driven to try and take her life once before and still allowed his parents to treat her so shitty, I’d probably have to kill him too.
“Why not?”
“I was afraid he’d do something stupid.” She twists her fingers in her hair. “Or ask me why I was working late, alone with—”
“That’s bullshit. Is that the kind of asshole he is?”
Her eyes snap to mine at the venom in my voice, but men who say stupid shit like that piss me off. She opens and closes her mouth and finally shakes her head.
“You’ve met my parents. You see what they think of me. I told you how they tried to marry me off to someone twice my age. I’ll always be the one at fault in their eyes. Alex is supportive but—”
“Go on. Tell me about Chance.”
“As he got older, he looked so much like you. But I still wasn’t sure…then I was scared because I didn’t know how I’d explain what I’d done…”
A couple weeks ago, I would’ve had a biting response to that. Now, I’ve got nothing.
“I had another reason.”
I lift my head and stare at her beautiful face.
“He came to see me.” She wraps her right hand around her left wrist. “Right before he was arrested. I think someone had tipped him off and he wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to testify.”
“And he went to California to find you?”