Zero Apologies (Lost Kings MC 14)

“But you haven’t even been president that long.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He closes his eyes and releases my hands, kneeling in front of me. “I’m sorry. This is what you’re in for. For the rest of your life, if you’re with me. I wish it wasn’t the truth, but it is.”

My heart’s absolutely breaking.

I press my palms against his bristly cheeks. “Z, look at me.” His anguished eyes finally meet mine. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

He frowns. “You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

“I’ve known who you were, what you’re a part of since we met, remember?”

The corners of his mouth twitch. “All I remember about that night is how badly I wanted to bury my face in your beautiful tits.”

I slap his cheek lightly. “Focus, Z.”

He drops his gaze to my breasts. “It’s hard when you’re naked.”

“Goddammit. You’re impossible.”

He grins at me, dimples and everything.

“Vice president came with its own risks, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” He hesitates and flicks his gaze toward the closed bedroom door. “We worked hard up in our territory to make alliances with certain…people.”

I snort. “You think I don’t know that? I’ve seen LOKI Holdings on enough donor forms.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Teller should’ve gone with something more generic for that one.”

“There’s more than one?”

Instead of answering my question, he shakes his head. “That’s Empire. That’s the state level. We’ve also got our fingers in local stuff. Charities, campaigns, a few things. So—”

“When something happens, the good folks in charge look the other way.”

“Something like that. We also keep certain…elements out of Empire, which makes local law enforcement’s job easier. Whether they want to admit it or not.”

“So, doesn’t Sway do the same thing down here?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. And it’s something I should’ve focused on first instead of getting distracted with Shadow’s bullshit.”

“Things have been chaotic, Z.” I stare at him for a second before voicing my next thought. “And I gathered you weren’t exactly asked to take over down here.”

“More of an order,” he agrees. “Shadow should’ve been keeping tabs on stuff like that but, obviously, he was useless.”

“Okay, so it sounds like the first thing you should do is go talk to Sway and find out whose palm you need to grease.”

“Fuck, you’re sexy.”

“I’m serious.”

“We’re working on a few things, but yes, that’s also something I need to do.”

“What can I do to help?”

He rubs his cheek against my open palm. “This. It means more than you know, Lilly.” He cocks his head toward the door. “Out there, I need to be their president. In here…”

“You want to be yourself.”

“I want to be honest.” His piercing blue eyes lock on my face, searching for understanding.

“With me…in here, express everything you need to. Feel everything with me. Out there, be the president they need.” I clear my throat and trace his cheek with my finger. “I’ll be by your side for both.”

“Thank you.”

“I still know people…I wish I could…”

“No.” His sharp tone leaves no room for arguments. “Get that thought out of your head.” His expression softens. “I’m sorry. I’d love the whole world to know you’re my woman, but we need to keep that on the down low as long as possible.”

“Dammit. I’m so sorry. I never—”

He scowls. “Never what? Should’ve told me? No, you should’ve told me when it happened, so I could’ve killed him sooner.”

“Z, if something happens to you because of that…because of me…”

“I’ll be more than happy to do my time for it, Lilly. Don’t ever feel guilty for confiding in me. I’m your man and I protect you. You didn’t ask me to do anything. I did it. And I’d do it again. He got exactly what he deserved.” He frowns. “Actually, it was too clean. He should’ve died harder.”

My eyes sting from the raw emotion in his voice. How can I be so crazy in love with this utterly unapologetic, slightly sociopathic man who lives by his own slightly skewed moral code? Who has not a shred of remorse for killing another man just because he hurt me.

He takes my hands in his. “The club took care of you?”

“Oh, yes. Rock and Hope were here the whole time. Teller was here. Charlotte came when her trial was over. Wrath and Trinity came down a bunch, but couldn’t stay—”

“Shit, they must be so short upstate. Once things are sorted, I need to go up and help Rock out.”

“He never complained. He even took me grocery shopping.” I try to smile. “Well, first he wanted to know if I was staying or not.”

Z’s mouth quirks. “I’m sure he did. I haven’t patched you or married you yet. Most clubs would tell you to fend for yourself.”

That doesn’t surprise me. I nod slightly. “He said he’d help Chance and me even if I decided not to stay.”

Z swallows hard but doesn’t seem overly surprised. “That’s because, club aside, he’s my best friend.”

“I felt that love.”

“Love my ass. Did he tell you his favorite nickname for me is fuckface?”

My laughter rolls out of me. “No.”

More seriously he adds. “You’re my girl. Chance is my son. That means something to us.”

My thumb moves restlessly over the back of his hand. “How much did you tell him about…what happened to me?”

He blows out a breath and stands, pacing to his dresser and pulling out a pair of boxer-briefs before answering.

“Afraid I’ll junk-punch you?” I meant it as a joke, but it comes out kind of pathetic.

“To do what I did, something that could blow back on the whole club,” he grimaces, “excuse the pun.” He pulls the shorts up and shakes out a clean pair of jeans. “I needed to have the okay from the club. Not the whole club. But at least the officers. Since I didn’t trust the guys here as much, I went upstate. So yes, Rock, Wrath, Teller, Murphy, they all know. Just enough to understand why it needed to be done.”

I take a deep breath and struggle to swallow that down.

Z’s back at my side. Not to apologize, but to hold me through the realization that half the people I’ve interacted with lately know the darkest, dirtiest stains on my soul.

“And?” I finally ask.

“And what? It wasn’t a question for any of them. He wasn’t the first, Lilly.” A completely psychotic grin lights up his face. “He was the most spectacular though.”

I burst into laughter. “Oh my God. You’re insane.”

He squeezes my thigh. “You’re in deep now, girl. Lost Kings kill to protect their queens.”

“That should probably scare me.”

“Does it?”

I don’t even have to think about the answer. “Nope.”

Chapter Seventeen

Z

Now that Lilly and I have reunited and come to an understanding about what the future holds for us, a weight’s been lifted off my chest. Explaining so much intimate club detail to her felt like jumping out of a plane with no parachute, Lilly stayed when she could have easily run. I trust her.

Still, I didn’t get into every detail. The less information she has, the safer she’ll be. And her safety is the only thing that matters.

“I asked them not to throw a party or anything until tomorrow or maybe next weekend.” We’re about to go downstairs, but I want her to know even though I’m leaving to head to the clubhouse, it’s not to fuck around.

“But?”

“I need to go to the clubhouse and sit down with everyone.”

“I figured you might.” She glances at the closed door. “You can have everyone here. I mean the brothers. Lord k

nows we have the room. You can set up some sort of board room in the basement to hold meetings if you want.”

Christ, she surprises me all the time.

“I thought that was going to be Chance’s playroom?”

She snorts. “I think that ship sailed when Teller set up the Indiana 500 in our living room.”

The basement is a nice, large, finished, mostly windowless room. With a little soundproofing, it could be a good alternate meeting room for more sensitive club business.

“I’ll think about it. Thank you.” I lean down and kiss her forehead.

She places her hand on my chest. “Just the brothers and their old ladies. No club girls, please. I don’t want to be cleaning jizz out of the carpet.”