Lead (Stage Dive 3)

I hummed. “Yes, today we have a washing machine. Very sexy in a domestic erotica sort of way. A powerful statement about feminism, I think. This woman is deep.”

“Right.” He resumed his exercising. “This woman is not gonna say anything I need to hear.”

Outside, a bolt of lightning lit up the sky, making me jump. The crash of thunder came next.

“That was close.” I watched him carry on regardless of nature’s showing off. “Some of your fans are loco. Luckily, others are just delightful.”

A grunt.

The problem with the push-up lay within the way it pretty much mimicked the act of sex. (Lay. Heh.) All the sweating, straining, and up and down of the pelvic region. It was disgusting, shouldn’t be allowed. Also, I really needed to get laid or find someone willing to hold hands with me at the very least. Maybe I’d reached the limits of physical depravation and I was touch starved. God, I hoped that was all. Him holding me before the funeral had awakened certain needs I sadly couldn’t meet on my own. Nor was spending more time with him helping. We’d pretty much fallen into a habit of hanging out together each night, debating who got to choose what we’d watch.

It was nice. Too nice.

Last night when I’d wandered into the living room he’d actually almost smiled and shifted about in his corner of the couch. Like he’d been waiting on me or something, anticipating my arrival. I had to be reading the signals wrong. I’d given him a clumsy grin, sat down, and endured a quarter of football before my wits returned, I’d been so surprised. Even if I was wrong, it might just be time to break the ban on men, sex, and romance. Or at least with regards to the men and sex parts. I couldn’t keep mooning after Jimmy like a smitten teenager. Problem was, time spent with him just soothed something in me. Some need for companionship or a yearning for the friends I’d left behind when I’d decided to head out into the big bad world a few years back. When everything had gone to shit.

If only he wasn’t so nice to perv on. I crossed my legs, squeezing my thighs together. Sweat darkened the thin cotton of his shirt and the material stuck to him outlining each and every muscle. Man, he had a lot of them, his arms for instance …

“Lena!”

“What?”

“Stop it.”

My mouth slammed shut.

“You’re watching me all the time and it’s f**king creepy. I can’t take it anymore.”

Oh God, he was right.

I watched him constantly, I couldn’t help myself. And when I couldn’t watch him, I thought about him. Mostly about how I didn’t want to feel anything for him, but it still counted. I was losing it. Actually, I’d already lost it back in Coeur d’Alene to be brutally honest. My stupid heart stuttered as if to second the sentiment. All the sappy feelings for him in me were growing by the day, squeezing out every last vestige of common sense.

This couldn’t continue.

I could not go through this again.

“I have to go,” I muttered. The thought of leaving him was like having my heart dug out with a plastic spork, but what could I do?

He paused. “What?”

“I mean … I’m tired and I work very hard. You think dealing with your fan mail is easy?”

“No one asked you to deal with my fan mail. You took that job on yourself.”

“Well, I can’t just follow you around all day doing nothing. I need mental stimulation.”

With an exasperated sound, Jimmy jumped up in an overly athletic fashion. Show off. I bet he was amazing in bed. No, forget that, he’d be a selfish lover, too busy staring at himself in the mirrored ceiling to see to the business at hand. Between my legs just needed to calm the hell down.

Little lines appeared between his brows. “Explain to me how checking out pictures of chicks dancing around in their underwear is mentally stimulating for you. I need to hear about this.”

“They’re not all like that. Some of them are quite nice and just want a signed picture of you or a ‘thanks for contacting me, glad you liked the album’. You were ignoring them. It was rude.”

“Management can deal with them. And if you’re tired, go take a nap and get out of my face with your weirdness.” He looked at me like I was dwelling on the wrong side of the insane asylum walls. Fair enough, really.

“Fine.” I jabbed at the keyboard, shutting the laptop down. “I will.”

“Christ, you’re moody lately. Worse than me.”

I barked out a laugh. “Jimmy, did you just actually make a joke at your own expense?”

The side of his mouth curled up the tiniest bit. Good god, was that a flash of dimple? My pulse rocketed like it was the Fourth of July. I f**king loved dimples. They were so lickable, so divine.

“Lena,” he growled.

Instantly, I got wet. “Sorry. I just … what is that?”

I stopped and sniffed at the air. There was a strange smoky smell in the room lingering beneath the musk of Jimmy’s sweat and the remnants of his cologne. I thought my imagination must be playing tricks on me, but no. My heart sunk to the depths of my chest. As signs went, this wasn’t a good one.

“What’s what?” he asked.

“The cigarette smell.” I stood, wandering around the table. “It’s coming from you.”

He sat back on his haunches. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“It’s also coming from your jacket.”

His gaze jumped to the item of clothing in question, left hanging on the back of a kitchen chair. It was a gray all-weather one, nothing fancy though I bet it cost a bomb. Perfectly suitable for skulking about outside to have a smoke. He licked his lips, eyes suddenly cagey. “Lena…”

“You’ve started smoking again, haven’t you?”

“Don’t require your permission. I can do what I like.”

“Then why have you been hiding it from me?”

He jumped to his feet, brushed off his hands. “’Cause it’s none of your business.”

“Guess again, bud. You and your health is exactly my business.”

Hand extended, he reached for the jacket. Sadly, for him, I was well ahead of the game there. I clasped the coat to my chest, rifling through pockets one-handed. It couldn’t have been going on for long. Still, I should have been paying more attention, been on it the minute it began.

“Give it to me,” he said, tugging on a stray sleeve.

I liberated the gold cardboard box from a side pocket and held it behind me, out of his reach. “No more, Jimmy. You’ve worked so hard to get healthy, you are not losing ground now.”