Lead (Stage Dive 3)

Taylor was apparently a longtime friend who also happened to be a roadie/sound tech/recording guru. His wife, Pam, was a photographer. She’d promptly pulled out a very cool-looking camera and started snapping the guys at work in the new studio. I’d followed her around, bugging her with questions.

Fortunately, she hadn’t minded at all.

Pam said they were thinking of using the shots for the inside artwork of the next album. She’d even let me play with her camera, giving me tips and showing me which buttons to use. The play of light in the picture and the way it altered the mood was amazing. I’d never been around a real live professional photographer before. All day, whenever I got a chance, I tagged along behind her. It was fun and interesting, challenging in a way admin simply wasn’t. Not for me at least. And playing with the camera got me out of my crappy mood.

“Hold it this way,” Pam had said, repositioning my fingers around the Nikon.

I’d held it up to eye again, watching as the automatic focus zoomed in and out on various things. “It’s amazing. The world looks so different. The detail and light and everything.”

“Yes.” Pam had smiled. “It really does.”

“I don’t want to know what one of these costs, do I?”

“No,” she’d confirmed. “You really don’t.”

Jimmy offered Pam and Taylor one of the spare guest rooms for their stay but they’d declined, having already booked into a hotel in town. A pity because I’d have liked the chance to spend more time with her and her camera.

“Sooo …” Ev started. “Jimmy called late last night. Wants me to organize a girl’s night out. Said something about you needing cheering up.”

I cringed. Various factors had made me antsy and agitated all day and this line of conversation was highly unlikely to improve things. “He didn’t need to do that.”

“I heard about the date with Ben.”

“That reminds me, I haven’t thanked him for the flowers yet.”

Ev shook her head. “Can’t believe he ran out on you. Well, I can, I just wish he hadn’t.”

“The date with Reece wasn’t a raving success either. He’s a nice guy, but I don’t know that I’m in a dating frame of mind.”

“Jimmy manage to restrain himself this time?”

I see sawed my hand. “Mostly. It didn’t matter, Reece is still hung up on Anne.”

“O-kay. That’ll do it.” Ev handed me back the iPad. She turned her face away, fingers drumming on the wall. “So I’m just going to throw something out there and you can shoot me down or not as you please. I love Jimmy, he’s family to me. But, Lena you do realize, he’s been hurt in ways we’re only just beginning to realize.”

“Ev—”

“Please, let me finish.” If the sincerity on her face had been an iota less, I’d have gotten up and walked away. My love life pained me enough without this.

“All right,” I said.

She played with the end of the plait. “Has he said anything to you about their mother since she showed up in Idaho?”

“No, not really. It’s still not something we tend to talk about.” And what little he had said was in confidence.

“But he does talk to you. If it’s even just a little bit, I don’t think you realize what a miracle that is. David said he hardly even discussed their childhood when he had counseling. Just refused.” Worry filled her eyes. “It’s why you can’t leave, if you care for him at all …”

“Of course I care for him.”

“But you care too much, don’t you? That’s the problem.”

I let my silence do the talking.

“I don’t want to see either of you hurt. Jimmy’s done a lot of work, just getting himself together in the past six months.” She swallowed hard. “He was hell-bent on going through it alone until you. But has it occurred to you that he might not be up to handling these kinds of pressures yet? He was advised not to go into any serious relationships for the first year of his recovery.”

“You think I would do something to hurt him?”

“Not on purpose, no.”

And suddenly I was angry, I was actually quite pissed. “You know, you can’t have it both ways. I’m supposed to care enough to stay and keep putting him first.” I pushed to my feet, needing the space. “But I’m not allowed to feel too much and complicate things.”

“Lena, wait.”

“You think I don’t know he’s fragile?”

Ev picked up the tablet and rose to her feet also. “I think right now you both are.”

And she probably had a point there. Also, I just might have overreacted something fierce.

“What’s going on?” asked Jimmy, appearing at the bottom of the stairs looking anything but breakable, on the outside at least.

Awesome. Now David was there too, being all concerned. “Baby?”

“It’s my fault,” said Ev, climbing to her feet. “I said the wrong thing.”

“Lena?” Jimmy started up the stairs toward me.

Down below, David drew Ev out of view, leaving me and Jimmy alone.

“No, I … shit.” I slumped against the wall feeling ten types of stupid and hormonally washed up. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not, don’t lie to me. What’s going on?” he asked, stopping the step below me. It put us at almost exactly the same height.

Fuck he was beautiful, inside and out, and he would never be mine. That information sat sure and safe inside of me, turning me to stone because it was utterly undeniable. But I was still expected to stay here, be with him, and support him, the job I both did and didn’t want with all of my heart.

“I’m being wildly unprofessional again,” I said.

He squinted. “That all?”

It was a throwaway question, but still, I gave it serious thought. Inside me, emotions were storming around, being in an uproar. My lack of professionalism definitely wasn’t all.

“I need a hug,” I said.

“What?”

“I need a hug.” I nodded, warming to the idea. “Yes, that’s what I need. I mean, don’t even get me started on that farce of a date with Ben. But, you know, last night with Reece was pretty damn shitty.”

His mouth opened but I kept right on.

“You’re my closest friend, right now, Jimmy. With that position does come certain responsibilities.”