GRIND

His touch.

When he touched me, my reasoning left me and all senses flew out the window like a crazed caged bird in search for a tree branch.

I took a step back, his grip falling from my wrist. Hurt covered his face as I rejected him.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear being away from him. But I had to. I had to protect myself. But because the way I was wired since we left Texas, I built up iron pillars around my heart. I had to put my head above my heart.

* * *

One Long Day Later

Paris

* * *

The jet ride to Paris was a lonely one. I had previously agreed to met my mom there and we already had reservations in the books. Besides, I had to explain everything to her. My anxiety surged knowing she probably saw the pictures.

“Hi darling.” My mom stopped me in my tracks. She was that glamorous.

She looked like a glamorous starlet with her Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and her couture clothing.

And just like that, I began to cry like a little girl.

“I’m not accepted anymore. They’re…they’re not letting me study privately. All my hard work. It’s all I had left of me. It’s all I’m good at.”

“Baby, listen to me. You have so much more to you if you open yourself up to it.”

Trying to regain composure, I took a deep breath. Something about this visit was weighty; her face had this look on it indicating that this meeting was going to get deep, quickly.

“Well, I’m sorry about Rick. I really am.”

“Well, he was the love of my life. Time is short. That it is.” She wiped at a fallen tear. “I know you never really got a chance to know him. And the age difference probably confused you, but he made me very happy.”

I didn’t know what to say. Thankfully, mother was a talker.

“I know your father is unhappy with the yacht photos.”

“He e-mailed me.”

She blew out air and her brown eyes softened. “I’d like you to know something about your father. I know his opinion of you greatly matters. And he has conveyed to you his thoughts of this family. But you have to understand a few things about him. As a military man. He…well, I’ll have you know Rick was my answer to my prayers. There were dark edges you don’t know of your father that I sheltered you from. War changes even the softest of boys. It makes them hard. It darkens their soul. And without having to say further, I wanted you to know that. I never once spoke ill about your father out of protecting you and your image of your father. But now that he’s making his opinions known of your love choice—”

“Love?”

“I know you’re in love. After all, I know what it’s like to be under the love spell of a Rainshaw.”

“And that’s not…like, weird?”

“Of course not, darling. I want the world for you. I want you to be loved like no other.”

“But those business practices.”

“Well, like I said. War changes a man. So does the war of money. But I still love and loved Rick greatly.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of her sparkling water.

“Your father isn’t as innocent in this whole familial pattern as he paints it. And I wasn’t the damsel in distress waiting for a rich billionaire to come in. That’s been a fallacy created by the media. But what was I going to do? Bring shame to the Meadows name by airing your father’s dirty laundry? I’d rather be shamed than those good people.”

I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to ask. But I think I understood it all. I remember loud nights when he came home. All he wanted to do was be back over there. In the war. Fighting. So, he brought that ambience in the home. It was a war zone; I remember it now as the hidden forgotten childhood memories surfaced.

I swallowed a lump down my throat.

“You have to trust life’s current with your father. He’ll come around. Just don’t let him guilt you into or out of something.”

“Why do I feel like everything in my life right now is falling apart?”

“It’s falling together. You just don’t know it yet.” She winked at me. “Does he make you feel feelings all over?”

I nodded.

“Does he challenge you to be a better person?”

I nodded.

“Does he push your limits?”

“He does. He showed me to not hide anymore. To not be afraid of the world’s judgments.”

Her gentle hand rested along my arm.

“Then darling, let this love be.”

I sighed and blew the bangs out of my eyes.

“I’m not like you, Mom. This public life…I….”

“Hi!” Claire’s high pitched voice sang.

The truth is though, I knew she was here before I even heard or saw her; I smelled her heavy French perfume.

Her arms flung around my neck. “Oh, I just knew we were always meant to be sisters. Now you can’t run away anymore.”

“Wha…what?”

She helped herself down and poured herself a glass of Rose, before even a server could do so.

“Honey, my brother lov

es you.”

“Doesn’t he take everyone out on a yacht?”

“Not like that. Not like this. No more running away now. Okay?”

“You’re really okay with this? You’re not Woody Allen’d out by this whole thing?” It was the only thing I could keep saying, I had no other way to phrase it even if I did overuse it.

“Who cares? Do you know how gorgeous my future niece or nephew is going to be with your genes in the mix?”

If ever I felt like one of those real life stories on a reality show, now was the time. Discussing future babies with the brother of your former stepsister.

“It’s true,” my mother chimed in.

That was way too far to think about: babies, marriage. But I knew I felt real feelings for him. Feelings where all I could think about was being by his side. Being held by him. Making him smile. Making him…feel other things. Other more passionate things.

My insides clenched in desperate need at the thought of us together enthralled in hot passion. Unaware of my daydream, I hadn’t realized I had dozed off and went to another world in fantasy land.

“You are a woman in love. I know that look.”

“I’m also a woman in career ruin.” I was snapped back into reality.

“Um, no you’re not. The world is your oyster now. The world knows your name. That little quiet life you tried to create, well that’s long gone. Now the world will read whatever you want them to read.”

I had honestly never for a second thought of that approach. It was like being an indie musician or artist happily trailing around cute towns singing for people who sincerely enjoy your music. Pop star status was never my intention with writing.

“I hate to sound bitchy or snobby, but our last name comes with a lot of perks. You’ll see. Screw those uptight professors. You don’t want to be boring, Kate.”

“Academia is not boring.”

“Uh, yes it is.” She winked at me.

“What is it with everyone thinking that?”

“Well, it kind of is,” my mother lightly teased.