The Not - Outcast

“Who is we?”

“Cut and me.”

She was quiet. As I knew she would be.

“You’re with Cut?” Her tone was somber.

I sighed. “Yeah.”

“Babe.”

She knew my decision. So did Sasha. They didn’t agree with it, but I shared with both of them the day I left his house for a second time. And now, here I was, going back on that very decision.

“Okay. We’re here. Cassie is dying. She thinks this is the funniest thing she’s ever seen.”

And speaking of, Melanie had been quiet lately about her and the PT lady. “Mel.”

“Yeah?”

“We need to have a chit chat.”

She sighed now. “I know. I was just thinking the same thing. But hurry up, because I gotta go and shit as soon as you’re here.”

And we were back to the normal Melanie.

Just needed to hear that one word.

She added, “Like right fucking now, babe.”

There it was.

“We’re on our way.”

As soon as I hung up, Cut said, “I need to tell you something.”

My stomach took a nosedive. “What?”

“I’m an investor at Bresko’s.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I knew the owner a while back. He asked for an investment, and I gave him money.”

“That place must rake in …”

Cut grinned. “It does well, yeah.”

Holy. Crap.

He was a local god, a national hockey celebrity, and now he was saying he was an investor at Bresko’s? Why in the hell was he interested in me?

“What other investments do you have?”

“A few others.”

“Like?”

He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. “Like, is this a problem for you?”

You know, at this point it was like fuck it. I’d run from him. I already told him most of my bad secrets. He saw a freak-out, and I tried to end it a second time. I didn’t have anything to lose here by being honest.

“You just keep getting bigger and bigger to me.”

“What?”

I was back there, with my mom, leaving food outside her bedroom door hoping she’d eat. “I was homeless, and I didn’t really know it.”

“Wait. Back up. What are we talking about?”

Riding in a car at night was soothing to me. The lines became a constant blur. The feel of the vehicle moving under you. And the best feeling was when you felt safe.

I felt safe with him.

I couldn’t remember ever feeling safe with anyone.

But in here, with Cut driving, it felt soothing, and then to find out about his investments? Maybe a normal woman would be thinking she had won the jackpot, but that wasn’t me. People always left, investments or no investments. Pain sliced through me at the stark differences between us.

“I was homeless, Cut.”

“Yeah. You said that before.”

“You don’t get it.” And he never would, but he was lucky in that regard. “When you’re homeless, there’s a desperation you feel. And if you get so used to it, you become a different animal entirely. You’ve never felt that in your life. The older I get, the further I get from that girl, the more I realize how different we are. You’re already a celebrity and now Bresko’s? And you don’t want to tell me about the rest. We’re just so different.”

“Why’s that bad?”

“It’s not. I think a younger me would’ve been even more insecure because how could I matter to you? What do I have that I could give you? But now, I’m just having a moment. I’ve come so far from that girl, but I’m still struggling. That’s what this stuff does to you. You struggle no matter what. Every day. Every minute. You are fighting your own mind. And people don’t get it, people don’t want to get it.”

“I do. I mean, I want to get it.”

I looked him over, watching the lights and shadows dance over his face. I felt that safe feeling again, but there was a lull around him. He did that. He lulled the edges that used to pull at me, distract me, ingrain inside of me until I couldn’t focus on anything.

“But you never will, and I think that’s what the luckiest thing is for someone like you. You won’t get it.”

I’d gone back and forth so much, but right here, right now, I was coming to a decision. It made my heart pound. It made my chest tighten. It stretched every nerve ending in my body, and I couldn’t believe I was going to make it, but I was.

I was going to try with him.

If I didn’t, I felt like I was back on those streets. I felt open to the elements. I’d always be fighting, feeling the desperate edge because I couldn’t go back to where I was when my mom died. I couldn’t, but he soothed the outside around me. He helped me focus. It was like he was a home for me, opening a door and beckoning me to come inside.

If he pushed me out, then I’d have to deal.