Off Course (Off 4)

My jaw drops open and I can't accept what he's saying as true this time. "No way. Music is everything to you."

"No. Music is everything to you. But that's only because it's really the only good thing you've had in your life. It's the only thing that got you through all the terrible shit that happened to you."

I nod. Music saved me, end of story. Without it, I'd probably be dead now. Right along with my parents.

Just to clarify his position, I ask one more time, incredulously, "Seriously... you'd give up OTE for this chick?"

"I'm not sure if it's Aileen, or maybe it's just the chance at true love... but yeah, it's way better than all of this."

Shaking my head, I go back to playing my guitar.

I don't get it.

***

The next morning, we're heading back to Dublin on the M6. I had barely slept last night, my mind racing with shit. Renner, my music, Sean claiming love was better than music, Renner, Maeve, Renner...

I finally gave up on sleep and rolled out of my bed just as the sun was coming up. I hustled Sean to get ready, even though he was bitching and moaning about it the entire time. Fucker was complaining that I was dragging him back to the city, after having been complaining that I dragged him out to the wilderness.

Sean is napping with his head resting against the window. He doesn't wake up when my phone rings.

"Yeah," I answer, not recognizing the number.

"Mr. O'Bradaigh? This is Dr. Madden calling you from Dublin Mind Wellness."

My stomach clenches tight. "Is something wrong with Maeve?"

"Possibly. Is this a good time?"

My sense of foreboding increases, because the doctor wasn't due to call me for a few days. "It's as good a time as any."

"Yes...well, as you know, Maeve has signed an authorization for me to discuss any aspect of her medical care with you." He sounds nervous...and young.

"Spit it out, Doc. What's up?"

"Maeve wants to discharge herself from the facility. She's having a hard time with the lack of contact...with others."

I sigh. "You mean me, don't you?"

"Yes. She got her first phone privilege yesterday and apparently tried to call but couldn't reach you."

I curse under my breath. I had turned my phone off the minute I pulled into Oughterard and had noticed a few voice mails this morning when I turned it back on. I wasn't concerned about it, because hey, I knew people would be trying to contact me. I never thought Maeve would have the ability to call me so soon though.

"What can I do to help?"

"I have Maeve sitting just outside my office. I was hoping you could talk to her--confirm to her the importance of staying and giving the treatment a shot."

"Yeah... of course, put her on."

I drum my fingers nervously against the wheel while I wait. I glance over at Sean and I see he's awake and looking me with a small measure of worry in his eyes.

"Cillian?"

"Hey, babe. What's this I hear about you wanting to check out?" I keep my voice light and positive...despite the fact I want to wring someone's neck right now.

"I can't stand it here. I tried to call you yesterday and you didn't answer. You promised me you'd stand by me, yet you never even answered."

I curse myself a thousand times for not even thinking about being available to Maeve while I was gone. It never occurred to me she would call this soon, yet that doesn't excuse my lapse in judgment.

"I'm sorry, Maeve. Truly. Sean and I went to Oughterard to work on some music. I turned my phone off. I really didn't think you'd be able to call this soon."

Her voice is small and hurt. "I got early phone privileges because I was doing well in the therapy sessions."

"Truly...I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. My phone will be on 24/7. You call anytime you need to talk, okay? But I need you to stick with this."

"I don't know..." Her voice is pouty now and I know she's trying to get me to commit something more to her. For the life of me, I don't know what it is. The only thing I can offer her is phone contact...the rehab facility's rules, not mine.

"Maeve... I'm here by phone. And the minute you can have visitors, I'll be there. You know I will. But you have to try to work through this."

She's silent and doesn't answer me. She's punishing me, I know, because I didn't answer her call.

Anger and frustration well up inside of me, because her attitude is reminiscent of my Da's. I know Maeve has issues... is sick and needs help. But she's also playing a game, just like my Da used to play.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I ask her, "Do this for me, Maeve... okay? I'm asking you to do this for me."

I hate to play that card, because I feel like I'm implying some sort of deeper feelings for her than I really have. But I'm desperate to keep her in there so she can get help.

I'm immediately rewarded, her voice suddenly cheerful. "Okay... I'll do it. But only for you."

I think to myself, No, you need to do this for you, but there's no sense in speaking it out loud.

We speak for just a few more minutes, and then Dr. Madden is back on the phone, thanking me for talking to her. He promises to call me back in a few days, and let me know how she's doing.

When I disconnect, Sean immediately asks, "She wants to leave? After like only five days?"

"Yeah. She tried to call me yesterday and was pi

ssed I didn't answer."

Sean makes a disapproving sound in his throat and doesn't say anything. But I can tell he's thinking something.

"What, man? What was that noise for?"

I glance at him, and he looks me square in the eye. I hold the look for just a second, before turning my attention back to the road. His words wash cold over me. "I don't think this is going to work out well for anyone. She's definitely got a drinking problem, but I think she has an unusual attachment to you that borders on stalker crazy."

"No. She just--"

Sean cuts me off. "Hear me out, man, because no one else has the balls to say it to you. But Maeve isn't right, and I'm not sure thirty days of rehab can fix her. We've all seen the signs for a lot longer than this last breakdown. She's been obsessed with you since you broke up and I'm betting it was going on longer than that. Hell, maybe she even loves you. But you fucked up when you got in bed with her and brought it to the next level. You may have had no problem backing away from that type of intimacy, but Maeve clearly has. She's been spiraling ever since. The drinking on top is just a bad recipe."

I'm silent as I digest what he's saying. Have her problems been worse and I just not noticed? Is her obsession with me something dark and volatile, rather than just a lasting crush? And, oh, fuck... have I led her on in anyway? I think of those times that I let her sit near me so she can lay her head on my shoulder, or the way she will sometimes possessively touch me when I'm around other women. I usually never stopped it, because frankly, it was easier to let her do it rather than fight.

"Fuck me, Sean," I say, in acknowledgment that what he is saying is true. "I've made this worse, haven't I?"

"No, man. That's not what I'm saying. This is all on Maeve. All I'm saying is that we are dealing with a sick girl, and I'm worried that this is going to be destructive to everything we've worked so hard to accomplish. It's just a feeling and I just want you to be cognizant of it when you're dealing with her."

"Should we cut her out of the band?" The thought of doing that makes me want to puke. OTE will suffer if she leaves. I'll suffer if she leaves, because more than anything, she's still one of my closest friends.