The End of Faking It

He’d wanted her to tell him about Dan herself but she wasn’t going to. The resulting frustration flare

d out of control. In desperation he wielded a sword, hoping to pierce through her armour to let whatever it was that festered deep inside her free, so she could heal.

He kissed her—hard, passionate and at great length.

She wanted it. He could feel her shaking for it. And she thought she’d won—that she’d shut him up. At that moment he pulled back and hit her with it fast. So she’d be unprepared and unable to hide an honest response.

‘I know about Dan.’

Her eyes went huge. Shimmering pits of inky blackness. ‘What?’

‘I know about Dan,’ he repeated and then followed up fast. His need to communicate almost making him stumble. ‘I know you loved him. I know how much you loved him. I know your grief literally ate you up.’

‘What?’ Penny couldn’t feel her body, and her thoughts were spinning. What had Carter just said?

‘I know how hurt you are.’

‘You don’t know anything.’ She walked out of his arms as a ghost walked through walls. No resistance, not feeling anything. She didn’t know who he’d been talking to but it was obvious he hadn’t got even half the story.

‘You can’t let losing him stop you from ever loving anyone again,’ Carter said passionately. ‘You can’t be lonely like this.’

‘I’m not lonely.’

‘You’re crippled with loneliness. You’re screaming for affection but you’re too scared to admit it.’

She stared at him, utter horror rising in every cell. This couldn’t be happening, he just couldn’t be going there. He couldn’t be asking her about that.

‘Please tell me about it,’ he asked. ‘Let me help you.’

She couldn’t bear to see the concern in his eyes. The compassion. The sincerity. He really didn’t know anything.

Sick to her stomach, she turned away, pulling the halves of her blouse back together.

‘Damn it, don’t hide from me.’ His volume upped. ‘You promised to be honest with me, remember?’

‘You really want honesty?’ She swung back, stabbing the question.

He paused, his eyes widening in surprise.

She puffed out angrily. He had no idea he’d just taken the scab off the pus-filled hole in her soul. And spilling the poison would spoil their last days together. But there was no avoiding it, he’d pushed over a line she never let anyone past and one look at him told her he wasn’t going to let it go.

‘It wasn’t grief killing my appetite, it was guilt.’ The raw, ugly truth choked and burned her throat. ‘I didn’t love him. That’s the whole point.’

Carter froze. Her breathing sped up even more. She hated him for what he was asking her to do. Thinking on this, remembering, speaking of it… It had been so long but it still crucified her heart. She tried to say it simply, quickly. So then she could go. Because then Carter would want her to.

‘Dan was my best friend’s twin.’

She could see him processing—quickly.

‘Isabelle.’

She nodded and pushed on. ‘We were neighbours. Born the same year, grew up together. Like triplets, you know? But when we were sixteen, Dan and I…grew close.’ She ran her tongue across dry lips. ‘It just happened. It was so easy. We were just kids…’

But there was no excusing what she’d done. She closed her eyes; she didn’t want to see Carter’s reaction. Her breathing quickened more; she couldn’t seem to get enough air into her lungs to stop the spinning.

‘Everything changed that last year at school. I changed. Isabelle changed.’ Penny shook her head, trying to clear it. ‘Dan didn’t change—at least, not in the same direction.’ She sighed. ‘We were together a year or so, but I was bored. I had plans and they were different from his.’

Icy sweat slithered across her skin, her blood beat just as cold.

‘He didn’t want us to break up. He cried. I hadn’t seen him cry in years. And do you know what I did?’

Beneath her closed lids, the tears stung. ‘I giggled. I actually laughed at him.’

Looking back, it had been the reaction of a silly young girl taken by surprise by his extreme reaction. She hadn’t realised he hadn’t seen the end of them coming—that she’d shocked him. But she was the one who hadn’t seen the most important signs of all—his distance, his depression, his desperation.

She flashed her eyes open and stared hard at Carter, pushing through the last bit. ‘Our orchard ran between our houses and was lined with these big tall trees.’

Her heart thundered as the memory took over her mind completely. ‘He was more upset than I realised. The next morning when I got up I looked out the window. And he…and he…’

She couldn’t finish. Couldn’t express the horror of the shadow in the half-light that she’d seen from her bedroom. She felt the fear as she’d run down the stairs, the damp of the dew on her bare feet as she’d run, slipping, seeing the ladder lying on the grass.

Carter muttered something. She didn’t hear what but all of a sudden his arms were around her as her lungs heaved. And this time she heard his horrible realisation.

‘You found him.’

Hanging.

Penny raised her hands, trying to hide from the memory. The scream ripped out from the depths of her pain. She twisted, to run, but his arms tightened even more. His whole body pinned her back and pulled her down to the ground.

Her scream became a wail—a long cry of agony that she’d held for so long. The expression of a pain that never seemed to lessen—that just lay buried for days, weeks, months, years until something lifted the veil and let it out.

And now it reverberated around the room—the anguish piercing through walls, smashing through bones. Until Carter absorbed it, pulling her closer still, pressing her face into his chest. His hands smoothing down her hair and over her back as she sobbed.

She hated it. Hated him for making her say it. Hated remembering. Hated the guilt. Hated Dan for doing it.

Hated herself for not stopping him.

And for not being able to stop her meltdown now. She cried and cried and cried while Carter steadily rocked her. She hadn’t been held like this in so, so long. Hadn’t let anyone—but she couldn’t pull away from him now.

She’d broken.

He bent his head, resting it on hers as he kept swaying them both gently even as her shudders began to ease. He said nothing—something she appreciated because there really was nothing to say. It had happened. It was a part of her. Nothing could make it better.

Nothing could make it go away. It would never be okay.

Finally she stilled. She closed her eyes and drew on the last drops of strength that she knew she had—for she was a survivor.

But in order to survive, she had to be alone.

She pushed out of his arms. She didn’t want to look at him, her eyes hurt enough already.

‘Talk to me,’ he said softly.

‘Why?’ What was the point? She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, shaking her head as she did. ‘You didn’t sign up for this, Carter. You’re going away. You don’t want baggage and I come with a tonne. A million tonnes.’

Finally she glanced at him. He looked pale. She wasn’t surprised. It was a hell of a lot to dump on anyone. And the last thing Carter wanted was complication—he’d made that more than clear right from the start.

And, yeah, he wasn’t looking at her any more. All the pretence had gone. All the play had gone. He’d wanted her naked? Well, now she was stripped bare and what was left wasn’t pretty.

Anger filled the void that the agony had drained. Why had he forced it? Why pry where he had no right to pry? This was a one-week fling, supposed to be fun, and he’d wrenched open her most private hell.

And for what? Where was the ‘fun’ to come from this?

‘Penny…’

‘Don’t.’ She didn’t want his pity. She didn’t want him thinking he had to be super-nice to her now because she had problems in her past.

‘I want you to talk to me. I want to help

you.’

She wasn’t a cot-case who needed kid gloves and sympathy. That was second best to what she really wanted.

‘No, you don’t,’ she struck out. ‘You think you’re so grown-up and mature with your sophisticated little flings. All so charming and satisfying. But you don’t want to handle anything really grown up. You don’t want emotional responsibility.’

‘Penny—’

‘And I don’t want anything more from you either.’ Her fury mounted, and she lied to cover the gaping hole inside. Her biggest lie ever. Desperately she wanted forgiveness and understanding and someone to love her despite all her mistakes.

For Carter to love her.

But he wanted to be her friend. And she couldn’t accept that because there was that stupid, desperate part of her that wanted to crawl back in his arms and beg him to hold her, to want her, to love her. She couldn’t do that to herself. The end hurt enough already and he’d feel awkward enough about easing away from her now. She had to escape to save him from her humiliation. Tears streamed again so she moved fast. Scrabbling to her feet, she literally sprinted.

‘Penny!’

She heard a thud and a curse. But she kept running. Running was the only right answer.

For hours she walked the streets, trying to pull herself together.

Putting the memories back into the box was something she was used to. But putting away her feelings for Carter was harder. They were new and fragile and painful. Yeah, she strode out faster, she was as selfish as she’d been as a teen—wanting only what she wanted. Wanting everything for herself.

But she wasn’t going to get it.

Determinedly she thought back over what she’d eaten that day. Not enough. She made herself buy a sandwich from a twenty-four-hour garage. Chewed every bite and swallowed even though it clogged her throat. She grabbed a bottle of juice and washed the lumps of bread down. She wasn’t going to get sick again. She wasn’t going to let heartbreak destroy her body or her mind. She’d get through this—after all, she’d gotten through worse.

She’d stay strong. She’d rebuild her life. She’d done it before and she’d do it again. Only the thought made her aches deepen. Always alone. She was tired of doing it alone. But she always would be alone—because she didn’t deserve anything more.