Ghosts of Christmas (Steamy Bwwm Holiday Romance)
I smoothed my hand along his chest. His cashmere sweater softened against my skin. As his chest rose and fell from his gentle breathing, his muscles expanded along my fingers.
Saint broke the silence. “Holly said you have a new therapist.”
“Holly talks too much to you about me.”
He smirked. “She tells you things about me all the time.”
“That’s different.”
“How is the new therapist?”
“Are you wondering if I’m still batshit crazy and unable to commit, then yes. She hasn’t fixed me yet.”
“You don’t need to be fixed, Ivy. You just need to take a risk with me. As your grandmother would say, ‘Step out on faith.’”
“I hate that she told you that. You say it all the damn time.”
“She was an amazing woman.”
I closed my eyes.
“If not for her, I would have never found a passion for cooking. If not for her, I might have been in jail.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I was turning into a problem child. She saved me.”
Opening my eyes, I moved my hand. “I don’t want to talk about any of this. I’ve had a long flight.”
“Then answer this.”
“What?”
“Will this be a typical Christmas where we fuck each other until exhaustion and then move on with our lives?”
“We’re not having sex, Saint. It’s time to stop it.”
“You say that every year. It’s bullshit. We are going to fuck, but I’m not done with the question.”
I rolled my eyes. “Go ahead.”
“Will we only fuck each other to oblivion or. . .” He gave me a sad look. “Will we finally try to have a real relationship?”
“You’re in Paris. I’m in New York.”
“Bullshit. If you gave me a chance, I’ll be in New York at the beginning of the New Year. I’ve already discussed this with the Network. They’ll move anywhere I go.”
Terror seized my chest. I hated that reaction whenever he talked like this. It should have been welcoming. Lord knows Saint was an amazing man.
“Saint. . .I. . .”
“Don’t say it, Ivy.”
“I’m fucked up. At some point, you’ll have to move on. And I know it will be hard for both of us, but you’ll be happier.”
He closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I moved around him and walked over to the bed.
Suddenly feeling cold, I folded my arms over my chest. Hundreds of competing questions spun around in my head.
“Hmmm.” Saint walked over to me, filling the space with his seductive voice. “I have faith in us. This Christmas will be different.”
Nervousness rose within me. “Excuse me?”
“This Christmas will be different.”
“How?”
He was right back in front of me, towering and giving me no space. “It’s a magical moment in an enchanted setting.”
“You think the wedding and a snowy Finland village will change my mind?”
“It will. If not, I will.”
I looked away.
He tenderly touched my chin. Ribbons of desire unfolded within me. He moved my view back to him. “All my life I’ve been in love with you. And all your life you’ve been in love with me. It doesn’t matter how many lovers you attempt to take on to try to forget what we have. You will never forget, and we will never be done.”
I parted my lips to speak. There were so many things in my head that I wanted to say, but terror held on to those words and trapped them in my heart.
“You’ve had a rough childhood. You lost the ones that you loved.” He slipped his thumb up to my bottom lip and trailed the outline of it. “But you won’t lose me, no matter how much you try to avoid me.”
“I want you in my life, Saint, just not the way you need me to be.”
“That’s bullshit.”
I let out a long breath.
“I’ll answer for you.”
“How?”
“This Christmas won’t be a typical situation. We’re not fucking unless you’re ready for more.”
“What?”
“That’s the stipulation. I’m not tasting your pussy unless you’re ready to deal with your true feelings.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“You’re holding us back. I’m pushing us forward.”
That thing with my body happened. It always did around Saint. Only he could trigger it. Heat spread along my skin. Need rushed through me. It was an unsurmountable ache deep inside of my body. An unbearable want. It made me feel like a weak fool. My breathing shifted to shortened pants.
“Look at me, Ivy.”
I lifted my gaze to meet his. How I wished I could just let go, release all my fears, and give my heart to him. If anybody deserved it, it was him. But the truth of the matter was that he actually deserved even better.
The hard line of his shoulders relaxed. He tugged me closer and placed a kiss on my forehead. “You’ll see.”
I stood still, scared to move away. If I did, he might not touch me anymore. I had to admit that I’d been yearning for his caress. I wanted it well before I’d seen him in the airport. All year I’d thought about him.