Big Man For Christmas

My dad nods to me, telling me he knows where I’m going, and I start picking apart the wires of the tangled garlands, careful of the fat bulbs of the lights. Tyler…doesn’t. He sits and looks out over the field. “This is really nice. I see now why you always talked about it. Definitely see the appeal once in a while. In a few more years we should come back for another visit.”

I focus on the lights in front of me. If he says one more word, I think I’m going to snap. He’s already broken me, how much more damage can he realistically do? Right now, a lot, because it feels like every word grates against my brain and I’m about to lose it in front of all these people.

Across the field, I see Megan Gingham coming from the drive. I don’t know her well, she was a year behind me and Casey in school, but I’ve never heard anything bad about her. A near miracle in a town where gossip is as common as breathing.

She and Casey are going to the fireworks together. He said that it was just a ride, but now I’m here with Tyler and I told him that I didn’t want him. Megan Gingham is incredibly beautiful, and I can easily see how just a ride turns into something else entirely.

The fierce and nearly violent hatred I suddenly feel for her shakes me to the core. It’s terrifying how quickly I can hate a person I don’t know for just thinking about her touching Casey. It’s jealousy, pure and simple.

The same kind of jealousy that I used to feel when I saw women touch Tyler, that’s now completely gone.

Oh my God, I’m in love with Casey.

The truth of that statement runs through me so fast that I drop the lights that are in my hands. I’m so in love with him. On some level, I’ve always been in love with him, and fear of being stuck here made me force the emotion down. Even last night, it got the best of me.

But I am so, so deeply in love with him.

Holy shit.

Oh no.15CaseyThe minute I see Carley’s ex-fiancé, I know it. He doesn’t fit in with the rest of the people here. Too polished and smooth. Too smug. And the minute I see him, it’s hard to even look at him without wanting to punch him in the face.

This is the guy that she’s in love with? This is the man she spent seven years of her life with? It seems impossible to me. And yet she walked away last night, and went back to him. I laid it all on the line, and she still went back to him.

I can’t even be angry with her. She’s spent the better part of a decade with the man, and you don’t just walk away from that overnight, even if I wish that she would.

As we get to work, I try not to judge him based on his clothes. Designer jeans and shoes aren’t my preference, but someone’s style isn’t ever a reason to dislike someone. Instead, I decide to watch him. There’s a reason that Carley fell in love with him in the first place. My girl isn’t stupid. So maybe I can get a glimpse of the man that made her feel alive.

I trip over the words ‘my girl.’

She isn’t my girl. Last night that was made painfully clear. But after we had sex and I started singing to her, she relaxed into my arms like she didn’t want to be anywhere else. Ever.

Until Tyler swooped in and apologized.

Carley is across the field. I’ve been watching her all morning, but I can’t tell how she is. Not really. I do see that she’s drawn back into herself. She’s closer to that first day, when I could see that she was holding back before I peeled back all her layers.

I throw myself into the construction for the fireworks. Many hands make light work, and the faster we get all of it done, the easier it will be. There have been years where the construction was slow and went far after sunset. Those were rough years. If we manage to get all the construction done before the sun goes down, there is time for music and a bonfire and any number of fun things.

And if I throw myself entirely into the work of building the Christmas village, I don’t have to think about Carley and worry about how she’s doing. Or focus my energy on keeping myself in check and not beating Tyler to a bloody pulp for ever making her feel like she isn’t beautiful and precious.

It’s not the clothes that make me dislike him.

I watch over the morning, and he doesn’t do anything. He follows around the people doing actual work and pretends to be working along with them, but he’s not. Not to mention that he’s flirting shamelessly with every woman here. Doesn’t matter if they’re married or not, doesn’t matter if they don’t seem interested, he flirts.