Big Man For Christmas

“Because I don’t want it,” I finally shout. “How is that so hard for you to hear? I. Don’t. Want. It. I don’t love him anymore. I’m a different person. I don’t want to marry him.”

“Go get him,” she says. “Before that taxi gets here, go out there and say yes.”

“No way in hell.”

“You are ruining your life,” she screams at me. “You’re supposed to be the kid that got out of Tennessee, and you’re just abandoning it. All for some stupid farmhand. I saw the way you looked at that boy at his house. You’re giving up a good life to be here.”

I shake my head slowly. “And what’s so wrong with here? You love it here. Jessica loves it here. Dad loves it here. Why can’t I love it here too?”

She shakes her head. “You were supposed to do something more with your life, Carley. You had a chance to make it out. Not be attached to someone who will just plow the same patch of dirt for twenty years.”

My mouth drops open, and I look over at my father. His face is blank. What the hell is going on? “You love it here,” I say again. “Right?”

“Of course I do,” she snaps. “This is my home.”

“It’s my home too.”

“You could have seen the world. You had a chance to do anything you wanted. You still have that chance. And you’re utterly stupid for not taking it.”

A moment of clarity hits me. My mother is happy here. She and my father have a good relationship in spite of all this. But she has regrets about what she didn’t do. The places she didn’t go, and she thinks that it’s too late to do those things.

So I swallow hard and straighten my shoulders. “This is my life,” I tell her. “I get to choose what I want to do with it. You can approve or disapprove, but you don’t get to force me to do something I don’t want just because you didn’t get to do everything that you wanted. You want to travel Mom, fucking go travel. There are three months out of every year where you and Dad have no farm responsibilities. And Jessica can find her own damn childcare. Do what you want to do and stop trying to force my hand in what is—from every angle—an awful situation.”

She just stares at me, stunned. I’ve never spoken so directly to her before. She might not have even known that I had that in me.

“And you’re right, I do love Casey Bowman. I’ve loved him my whole life, and if not for a misunderstanding a long time ago, I probably would have been with him this entire time. If you can’t see that Casey is ten times the man that Tyler is, then you’re absolutely blind, Mom, and there’s nothing that I can do to help you.”

Fuck talking to Casey tomorrow. I need to see him tonight. When I turn, my dad is smiling so wide it looks like he’s going to split his face in half. “I knew you still had a crush on him.”

I roll my eyes. “Happy?”

“Very.”

He hugs me as I pass. “She’ll be all right. Go see him.”

“I’m on my way.”

I go out the back door. The fields seem to disappear under my feet far faster than the last time that I made this trek. In no time the house comes into view, but Casey isn’t there. I know he’s not because I can hear the music coming from the barn. Loud, blaring, a beacon.

He’s splitting wood, every strike downwards of the axe is brutal. Powerful. And he takes my breath away. I’m terrified that he’ll say no because I hesitated. But like hell am I going to let us miss out on one more day if he wants me.

The music in the barn stops.

Casey looks up and sees me, and my heart stops.17CaseyThe music in the barn stops, and I heave one more swing of the axe down, splitting the log in two. My body is starting to complain, but I don’t want to stop. Until I see Carley standing there staring at me.

My heart is in my throat, nervous. Why is she here? Is she all right? I take out my ear plugs so that I can hear her.

Her voice wavers when she speaks. “Do you—” she hesitates. “Do you really love me?”

“More than anything.”

I drop the axe and cross the distance between us, pulling her into my arms. This time I don’t plan on ever letting her go.

The words are muffled but I still hear them. “I love you too.”

I’m kissing her hair and drawing my hands down her spine. I’m telling her how much I fucking love her in words that I don’t even register because they’re just pouring out of me. Things I never thought I would have the chance to say. And Carley is clinging to me, holding on for dear life.