Not What I Expected

I didn’t expect two police officers.

Finn had been arrested six months earlier during a protest that got out of hand. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but my thoughts immediately went to wondering “what he did this time” to get into trouble. He wasn’t a bad kid. He just had a knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But … it wasn’t Finn.

“Elsie Smith?” The female officer questioned.

I nodded, narrowing my eyes.

They identified themselves and asked if they could come inside.

Again, I nodded slowly.

“Is this about Finn?” I asked, shutting the door behind them.

“No, ma’am. Is your husband Craig Smith?” The male officer asked.

“Yes …” My voice cracked on that one syllable.

I knew.

I knew it before they said the words.

My heart fractured before they had a chance to do it with their news.

Blurred vision.

Ringing in my ears, making it hard to hear the words.

The room spun as bile worked its way up my throat.

“Is there anyone else home with you?”

“M-my daughter,” I whispered as the tears leaked from my eyes and all the air left my lungs.

I. Just. Knew.

“Your husband was involved in a serious collision about an hour ago. As a result of the injuries he sustained, he died. We are very sorry for your loss.”Chapter ThreeI miss him, but I don’t miss pictures of his turds.* * *Ten months later …“Elsie, do you have anything to share today?” Rhonda asked. She waited all of two seconds before moving on. “How about you, Beth—”

“I do,” I said, my voice monotone, my gaze lifting to meet Rhonda’s face. A rare first.

After Craig’s accident, I spent a solid month grieving and wallowing in the fact that I was responsible for his death. Granted, I didn’t kill him with my bare hands, but he wouldn’t have been on that road at that time in that weather had I not announced my need to end our marriage.

Days before Christmas.

After the first month, I let myself slip into the anger phase. That lasted another month or so until I finally found home in the warm cocoon of denial. My grieving didn’t take the normal psychological pattern. To appease my family and friends, I joined our church’s grief group for women only. They had one for men too. Christians were fair like that. Apparently women opened up better around other women.

Not me.

I didn’t open up to anyone until … ten months later.

Months of attending the group.

Months of keeping my dead gaze to the paisley carpet.

Months of listening to other women, who had lost their spouses, talk about their regrets and pray for God to do something magical in their lives to show them the way. They thanked God for His comfort and assured Him that they understood it was all part of His plan.

“I trust His plans for my life.”

“I know my husband is with Him in Heaven.”

“I’m grateful for all of the other ways He blesses my life daily.”

“I feel my husband’s presence like a guardian angel sent from God.”

“It’s His will, not mine.”

They felt guilty for their anger and prayed for peace and acceptance. They apologized for their anger and asked for grace and forgiveness. They spent hours and hours sharing stories about their husbands.

Their amazing husbands.

Great fathers.

Spiritual leaders.

Missionaries in their own communities.

They all lost perfect men. Or so it seemed.

“Oh, Elsie, please … go ahead.” Rhonda couldn’t hide her enthusiasm, and I didn’t miss the perked ears, wide eyes, and straight spines of the other women in the group, salivating at the thought of me finally speaking.

After ten months, I emerged from my grief coma. Praise the Lord!

Secrets … I had this huge secret. Some days, keeping it felt vital to my existence. Other days, well, I wanted the truth to come out, even if it meant leaving Epperly to escape the gossip.

Four living people knew.

Only four.

After the news of Craig’s accident, Finn suggested I—we—not tell Chase and Linc about the fight, about me wanting a divorce. He didn’t see what the point would be when it no longer mattered. I thought it was a terrible idea. After all, I felt guilty and needed to confess my part in his death. Then Bella spoke up, also thinking I shouldn’t tell Chase and Linc or anyone else for that matter.

Maybe they didn’t want the truth on top of the already horrific reality. Maybe they knew how painful and unbearable the real truth was, and they wanted to save their brothers and everyone else from that pain. So I agreed not to tell anyone. The truth stayed among us—me, Bella, Finn, and Amie.

The roads were bad that night. Craig hit an icy patch on a bridge, and he lost control. Praise the Lord he didn’t kill anyone else.

Still, it didn’t settle right with me. I killed him.

My not-so-perfect husband.