Not What I Expected

He opened his eyes and brushed his nose against mine. I parted my lips to speak.

“Shh …” he whispered, a reminder that Bella was a breath away, ear to door.

I love you.

I don’t know what that means in my life anymore.

You’re the best kind of want.

You’re the worst kind of need.

When he took a step back, I wondered if he could read my mind. His smile said yes—such a sublime picture before me. He tipped his chin and retrieved his phone, again … no words were exchanged. As he turned and sauntered away, my phone vibrated.

Kael: Merry Christmas Chapter Twenty-SevenWhen we failed to acknowledge individuality and honor autonomy, our very existence lost meaning* * *I made a timeline of my life.

Let’s say I lived to be a hundred. Why the heck not?

Add three years of dating to our twenty-two-year marriage, and that meant I spent twenty-five percent of my life with Craig Smith, raising four kids. The previous seventeen years, or seventeen percent, of my life was spent being a kid and going to school. That left fifty-eight percent (or fifty-eight years) of my life unaccounted for.

The “second act” Mary referenced.

When we failed to acknowledge individuality and honor autonomy, our very existence lost meaning. I learned to recognize the difference between chapters and the entire book.

I shared chapters with many people who came and went from my life—Craig included. However, the book was my story and my story alone.

“Don’t let anyone else write your story.” I smiled at Bella’s final words to her graduating class as she stood at the podium atop the stage in the auditorium.

My words … she repeated the words I said during a toast I gave the day we officially closed the door to Smith’s Specialties. It was bittersweet. The end to many chapters of my book, of my kids’ books, Craig’s, and his parents’.

I spent the rest of winter and most of spring quilting, painting, and helping get Mary’s and Ron’s things sold so they could move to assisted living. Then I sent Bella off to Arizona to stay with my parents until she moved to her dorm in College Station, Texas. Our house hadn’t sold, so I stayed in Epperly.

I hadn’t spoken to Kael since Christmas Eve. He plowed my driveway the rest of the winter. Occasionally, he gave me a two-fingered steering wheel wave if he passed me on my morning walks with Amie and Meadow.

For the most part, I stayed at home. I honored Bella’s request to not make anything about my needs while she finished her senior year. What I didn’t do for my kids …

Then two weeks after she moved to Arizona, I ventured out. Really ventured out. I passed by the space that used to be Smith’s Specialties. Nothing had opened yet, but they finally posted a Coming Soon sign—a fitness studio. I laughed out loud.

“Of course … now it opens.”

Continuing down the sidewalk, I popped into Spoons. I hadn’t been there since the day Kael outed us to all of Epperly in front of Tillie. To my surprise, most everyone kept to themselves, offering friendly smiles as I waited in line.

Finding a table by the window, I enjoyed my cup of soup and garden salad, watching residents mill around the square in the early June heat. After I finished my lunch, I continued making my way around the rest of the town square, ending at What Did You Expect?

Nerves sent my breathing a little off-kilter as I opened the door. What would it be like to see him up close? Would he look at me the same way? So many thoughts raced through my mind.

A new face greeted me from behind the counter. “Welcome. Let me know if I can help you with anything.” She smiled.

I nodded. “Thanks.”

The place wasn’t as crowded as I’d remembered it being, but it was the middle of a Tuesday in June. I recognized a few faces, friendly ones that gave me quick smiles and returned to their shopping. I grabbed a basket and started piling stuff into it.

I’d been secretly dying to start my own collection of specialty vinegars and oils, but I couldn’t do it with Kael as my competition. Over two hundred dollars later, I swiped my credit card and mustered the courage to ask my burning question. “Is Kael in today?”

“No. He’s been gone for weeks. Camping in Utah with friends.”

I nodded. “Sounds fun.”

“Yeah. He’s not here that often. Rachel manages most everything. Kael likes to travel … a lot.”

I smiled. “Yeah, I’ve heard that. Are you new to Epperly?”

“I am.” She handed me my receipt. “I met Kael years ago when he traveled to Toronto.”

“Ah, you’re Canadian?”

“Yes. Can’t you tell from the accent?” She laughed, curling her blond hair behind one ear as she showed off her perfect teeth and youthful complexion. “He offered me a job and has been letting me stay with him until I figure out where I want to be. I’m at a weird crossroad in my life.” She shrugged.