Time for Trust

For the first time she felt ill at ease and nervous in his presence. In the cold, clear light of the sharply clear October morning he looked so much more formidable than she remembered, so much more male…She winced inwardly, wondering how much of a fool she must have made of herself last night. Had he really withdrawn from making love to her because he genuinely felt it was too soon, or had that simply been a polite way of saying that he didn’t really want her?

As she tried to follow her normal morning routine, she deliberately avoided looking at him, jumping when he reached out and removed the teapot from her grasp as he said firmly, ‘I meant every word I said last night, but if you’re having any regrets…if you’re beginning to wonder if this…this thing that’s happening between us isn’t something you want to pursue, you don’t have to be afraid of saying so.’

He watched her gravely as her face betrayed her emotions.

‘You must think I’m behaving like an idiot,’ she told him helplessly. ‘Heavens, I’m an adult, not a child!’

‘Even adults have been known to regret in the cold light of morning things that happen in the blurring, protective darkness of night,’ Daniel told her. For the first time there was a trace of cynicism in his voice.

‘I don’t regret telling you about…about the past,’ Jessica told him firmly, and then added bravely, ‘and I’m not having second thoughts about…about us.’ She looked at him and said with helpless honesty, ‘I’m just not used to this kind of intimacy. I’ve never felt like this before.’

‘Neither have I,’ Daniel told her almost fiercely. ‘There’s nothing in my past…No one,’ he emphasised, ‘with whom I’ve experienced a tenth of what I’m feeling now.’ He stopped and pushed his fingers into his hair in a gesture of baffled self-irritation. ‘I don’t know how to handle this, either,’ he told her in a softer, muffled voice. ‘One half of me says, “Don’t push her…Don’t rush.” The other—the old male hunting instinct, I suppose—says, “Make sure of her now, before someone else snatches her away from you.’

His admission startled her, softening her defences. She hadn’t given any thought to his vulnerabilities and fears; she had automatically assumed that a man so obviously very much in charge of his life and himself would never experience the kind of doubts to which she was prey.

‘Look,’ he said gently, coming towards her and taking hold of her hands, ‘I know you’re trying to tell me that you don’t want to be rushed into an intimate relationship because you haven’t had that kind of relationship before, and, like anything unknown, at times it appears dangerous and a little frightening. I can’t claim that you’ll be the first woman I’ve made love with, but I can tell you you’ll be the first woman I’ve loved, and so intensely that I feel I hardly dare let you out of my sight in case you disappear.’

Jessica sat down and stared at him. His open declaration of love stunned her.

‘But it’s too soon,’ she whispered protestingly. ‘We haven’t even known one another twenty-four hours yet.’

‘I knew the moment I saw you,’ Daniel told her harshly. ‘You looked at me and it was as though suddenly the world had shifted into brilliant focus…as though a missing piece of my life had suddenly slotted into place…I can’t explain it or rationalise it, Jessica,’ he told her grimly. ‘And I know quite well if someone was standing here telling me what I’m saying to you, I’d probably not believe him. There is no rational explanation for what I’m feeling. And you feel it, too. You might not want to admit it, but we both know it’s true.’

‘It might just be because of the raid,’ Jessica argued tensely. ‘Things like that unleash all kinds of strong emotions—’

‘I saw you before the raid,’ Daniel reminded her, his voice low and rough so that, somehow, the sound of it almost seemed to touch her skin.

She hesitated for a moment, like a diver confronted with a particularly high board, and then, taking hold of her courage, she said huskily, ‘I’m frightened, Daniel…Frightened of trusting myself to what I’m feeling…frightened of giving myself to—’

‘To me?’ he asked her savagely, shocking her with the violence of his voice and expression. ‘Don’t you think I feel the same way? Don’t you think anyone committing themselves to another human being knows that same fear? I can’t tell you what to do, Jessica. I’m already in too deep to draw back, or to give you any detached advice. What I think you must ask yourself is what you fear the most…Is it the fact that sharing your life with me will breach your protective solitude, or is it because you fear that the relationship won’t last?’

‘Both,’ Jessica admitted painfully. ‘Especially our relationship not lasting.’

‘So you’re not really sure about your own feelings…about their ability to endure?’

His question trapped her. Of course she was sure about what she felt, and had been from the moment she had realised that the rapport she felt for him wasn’t based on gratitude for his help and kindness, but came from what she felt for Daniel himself.

‘Or is it the strength of my feelings you doubt?’ he asked her softly, watching her as betraying colour stained her pale face. ‘There’s nothing I can do or say that will convince you,’ he told her quietly. ‘Only time can do that. I want it all, Jess. You, marriage…a family…’

He saw her tension and his mouth twisted in an ironic smile.

‘All right, I know you’re not ready for that kind of commitment yet.’

‘I need time,’ she told him helplessly. ‘You’re so sure…so…I want to trust how we feel, but it’s all so new to me. We need time to get to know one another properly.’

‘Yes,’ he agreed, ‘starting with today. How about coming with me when I go to see the builders you and Mrs G recommended? I need to have someone who’s going to treat the restoration of the house with a bit more care and consideration than the cowboy who brought down one of the bedroom ceilings.’

‘Is the house listed?’ Jessica asked him.

‘No, but I want to make sure the work is done sympathetically and in keeping with the period of the house. I had planned to go over to Bath this afternoon. I’ve got an appointment at an architectural salvage place there. They’re going to look out for some of the stuff I need. Come with me, Jess. Spend the day with me. I promise I shan’t pressure you.You can’t work, and we both know damned well that if I leave you here, before I’m clear of the village you’ll be trying to work.’

Already he seemed to know her so well, while she…Sometimes she thought she knew him, and then suddenly she would be confronted by another, unfamiliar aspect to his personality that would check her.

Spend the day with him…Why not? After all, as he had said, she couldn’t work. If she stayed in the cottage on her own she would only brood, and while they were in Bath she could possibly call at the shop and discuss any new commissions they might have for her.

‘I’ll come with you,’ she told him quickly before she could change her mind. ‘I could show you where the builder has his office—it’s not far from Bath.’

Instantly his whole face softened.

‘Good girl,’ he told her softly, and then leaned towards her as though he was going to kiss her.

A fierce thrill of anticipation ran through her body, tensing her muscles.

But then he hesitated and drew back, saying ruefully, ‘No, perhaps not…I promised I wouldn’t rush you, didn’t I?’

Cross with herself for her own sharp feeling of disappointment, she announced that there were things she had to do before she could go out—such as feeding Cluny and getting changed into something warm enough for the gusty autumn day with its sudden sharp spirals of wind and its cold, almost frosty air—and then waited tensely for Daniel to object, as she had so often heard the husbands and lovers of friends object when they were kept waiting. Instead he said agreeably that that presented no problems since he had a couple of phone calls to make, if she would allow him the use of her phone, and additionally that it would be his chore t

o clear away their breakfast things since her now painfully stiff arm would necessarily mean that it would take her longer to get changed.

Surreptitiously watching him as he deftly cleared the table and started to wash up, Jessica reflected that she had seldom seen a man so at home and at ease with domestic chores. Turning round and seeing her watching him, Daniel grinned, and explained, ‘Early training. Since I wasn’t the girl she so desperately wanted, Ma had to make do with my help when the twins came along. I drew the line at pushing the pram,’ he added, still smiling.

‘You mother wanted a girl?’ Jessica asked him curiously, puzzled. ‘But, surely…?’

‘What—all parents want sons? Not so,’ Daniel told her, shaking his head.

‘You must have found that very hard,’ Jessica said slowly, remembering her own pain on discovering how much her parents had wanted a son.

Daniel frowned.

‘I said that my mother wanted a girl, not that she didn’t love me, Jess. There is a difference, you know.’

She opened her mouth to deny his statement, and then closed it again, knowing that it was true that, although she hadn’t been the son her parents had hoped for, they did undoubtedly love her.

Once upstairs, like any woman in love, the moment she opened her wardrobe doors she discovered she didn’t have a thing to wear, or, more truthfully, she didn’t have anything to wear that she considered worthy of inciting Daniel’s admiration.

Why was it that women were so vulnerable where their physical appearance was concerned? she wondered idly, frowning over the perfectly adequate contents of her wardrobe. Why was it that their deepest and most instinctive feelings of self-worth sprang from their public image and the way that people reacted to it?