After (After 1)

“Karen,” Hardin’s voice says from behind me.

“Hardin!” Her smile slightly returns. “Would you two like something to eat, some breakfast? Well, lunch, it’s noon.”

“No, thank you, I was just going back to the dorms,” I tell her as I descend.

“I could eat,” Hardin says behind me.

She seems surprised as she looks at me and then back at him. “Okay, great! I will be in the kitchen!”

After she disappears, I head for the door.

“Where are you going?” He grabs my wrist. I struggle for a second before he releases it.

“The dorms, like I just said.”

“You’re just going to walk?”

“What is wrong with you? You act like nothing is happening, like we haven’t just been fighting, like you haven’t done anything. You are seriously insane, Hardin—I’m talking mental institution, medicated, padded-walls insane. You say horrible things to me and then try to offer me a ride?” I can’t keep up with him.

“I didn’t say anything horrible, actually; all I said was that I don’t love you, which you claim you already knew. And secondly, I wasn’t offering you a ride. I was simply asking if you were going to walk back.”

His smug expression makes me dizzy. Why would he even come here to find me if he doesn’t care about me? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than torture me?

“What did I do?” I finally ask. I have been wanting to ask this for a while, but I’ve always been afraid of his answer.

“What?”

“What did I do to make you hate me?” I ask, trying to keep my voice down so Karen doesn’t hear me. “You can have practically any girl you want and you continue to waste your time—and mine—to find new ways to hurt me. What’s the point? Do you dislike me that much?”

“No, it’s not that. I don’t dislike you, Tessa. You just made yourself an easy target—it’s all about the chase, right?” he says boastfully. Before he can say anything else, Karen calls his name and asks if he wants pickles on his sandwich.

He walks to the kitchen and answers her; I walk out the door.

On the way to the bus stop, I figure that I’ve already missed so many classes lately I might as well miss the rest of the day and get a car. Luckily, the bus pulls up minutes later and I find a seat in the very back.

As I slump down in the seat, I think back to what Landon said about heartbreak, that if you don’t love the person, they can’t break your heart. Hardin repeatedly breaks my heart, even when I don’t think there are any more pieces to break.

And I love him. I love Hardin.

Chapter sixty-three

The salesman is a creep and smells like stale cigarettes, but I can’t be picky any longer. After an hour of negotiating, I write him a check for the down payment and he gives me the keys to a decent 2010 Corolla. The white paint is chipped in a few places, but I managed to talk him down low enough that I can let it slide. I call my mother before I drive out of the lot to tell her, and of course she says I should have gotten a bigger car and lists the reasons why. I end up pretending to lose service and shut my phone off.

It feels amazing to drive my own car. I no longer have to depend on public transportation and now I can drive myself to my internship. I hope my cutting ties with Hardin doesn’t affect it. I don’t think it can, but what if he is bored with just simply making me cry and does something to ruin it? Maybe I should talk to Ken and try to explain that Hardin and I are no longer . . . dating? He thinks we are dating, so I will have to come up with something besides “Your son is the cruelest person in the world and he is toxic to me so I can no longer be around him.”

I turn the radio on and turn it up louder than I usually would, but it does what I need it to. It drowns out my thoughts and I focus on every lyric to every song. I ignore the fact that every song seems to remind me of Hardin.

Before heading back to campus, I decide to go buy some more clothes. It’s getting colder, so I need some more jeans, and besides, I’m growing tired of wearing my long skirts all the time. I end up buying a few new outfits to wear to Vance, some plain shirts and cardigans, and a couple of pairs of jeans. They are tighter than usual but they look good on me.

Steph isn’t in the room when I return, which is good. I really think I may need to look into changing rooms. I do like Steph, but we can’t continue to live together if Hardin is around. Depending on how much I will be making at my internship, I could get my own apartment and live off campus. My mother would lose it but it isn’t up to her.

I fold my new clothes and put them away before grabbing my toiletry bag and heading to the showers. When I return, Steph and Zed are sitting on her bed, looking at her computer.

Great.

She looks up sleepily. “Hey, Tessa, did Hardin ever find you last night?” When I nod, she asks, “So did you work it out?”

“No. Well, yeah, I guess. I am done with him,” I tell her. Her eyes go wide; she must have assumed he would sink his claws back into me.

“Well, I for one am glad.” Zed smiles and Steph swats his arm. Her phone beeps and she looks down.

“Tristan is here, we gotta go. Wanna come?” she asks.

“No, thanks. I’m gonna stay here—but I did get a car today!” I tell her and she squeals.

“Really! That’s awesome!” she says and I nod. “You’ll have to show me it when I get back,” she says and they head for the door. Steph walks out but Zed lingers in the doorway.