He Made Me Stay

They share a look that’s heavy with emotion and friendship. It’s no wonder they have five children.

“I promise I’ll do better next time,” I vow.

Next time.

Another promise.

Leesa finally meets my stare. “I’ll hold you to that promise.”

My back straightens and I nod. “I won’t let you down.”

“This isn’t awkward or anything,” Kit rasps out.

“If you stop trying to give me a heart attack every chance you get, maybe I won’t embarrass you in front of your boyfriend,” Leesa teases him.

With each passing moment, he begins to feel better. Once they’ve checked his numbers every fifteen minutes for an hour, they finally leave him be so they can go back to bed. Kit gets up and takes a bathroom break. A short while later, he comes back with my pill bottle in his hand. Accusation burns hot in his eyes and his jaw clenches.

I look away.

The bed sinks down with his weight and he curls around me. His palm splays over my chest as he sighs.

“Talk to me, Jasper.”

My lungs seize and my tongue swells as anxiety creeps through me—wild and electric. He must sense my sudden tension because he kisses my neck and tells me to breathe. Once I’ve calmed my erratic heart, I work up the nerve to speak.

“I, uh, I’m sad.” Tears sting at my eyes. “That’s a lie. Kit, I’m destroyed.”

He squeezes me tight. “Julian?”

My brother’s name on his lips has a sob whining out of me.

“I…we’re twins. We were supposed to live and die together.”

His fingers are gentle as he swipes them over my wet cheek. “I can’t imagine the pain.”

“I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy,” I breathe. “It’s suffocating and maddening. Mom took me to the doctors because of my depression, but nothing can help the pain I feel.” I pause. “Well, you did.”

Kit sits up on his elbow and stares down at me, his Jolly Rancher green apple eyes probing into me as he chews on his pink, pink strawberry bottom lip.

“The day we met,” I continue, “I was going to do it. Swallow all the pills. Just after physics class.”

“But you didn’t,” he whispers.

“You made me stay.”

His lips curl into the happiest grin I’ve ever seen on him. A silly, warm smile that has the power to numb all the aching sorrow within me. I smile back because I have to. Because I want to.

“I’m glad you didn’t go through with it,” Kit murmurs. “I’m glad you’re here now.”

Tears once again flood my eyes. “I told myself I’d do it today. All week it’s been a dreadful countdown. I had them in my hand, but then you called to me…” I blink away more tears. “You needed me.”

“I’ll always need you,” Kit says, his eyebrows knitting together. “And so will your parents. Your new siblings, too. The pain you’re going through is hard right now, but it’ll ease with time. But…if you take those pills and end your life, you’re only going to spread that pain like a fatal infection.”

I search his eyes, needing answers. “But it hurts.”

“It’ll hurt more for your parents to have to bury another son.” He strokes his fingers through my hair. “It’ll hurt me to finally find a beautiful boy with a kind heart who cares about my health and well-being only to have him torn away from me.”

“But Julian’s all alone.”

“Wherever Julian is, he’ll be ready for you when the time is right. Do you really think your brother would want you to leave your parents for him?”

“No,” I say with a raspy chuckle.

“What would he say? If he were here right now?”

Imagining my brother here, wearing his smug smirk, lifts my spirits and brings another smile to my face. “He’d tell me to stop being a dumbass.”

“Your brother sounds like a smart guy.” He leans forward, pressing a kiss to my lips. “Can you tell me about him? The things no one else knew?”

I frown, studying his features. Everyone wants to forget or so it seems. They want to move on. No one wants to remember all the good, funny, wonderful things about Julian.

“He always went through these phases where he wanted to learn something new. It used to drive me crazy. Unlike me with music, he wasn’t satisfied with just liking football. He wanted to know how to do every sport. When he was pretty proficient at practically all of them, then he wanted to learn how to play an instrument. Or dance.” I laugh, shaking the whole bed. “He tried hard to convince Mom to sign him up for ballet. I teased him endlessly for it.”

“A big football player in a tutu. Now that I would pay money to see,” Kit teases.

“Once he decided he was going to be a chef like Gordon Ramsay. Every time he was in the kitchen, he would speak in a British accent and curse every time he messed something up. He told Mom he wanted to go to culinary school and to have his own cooking show.”