Best of 2017

I don't have to wonder long. Because at nightfall, the bell on the door chimes again.

I expect River. It's always River. Never anyone else. Nobody else comes to Moldavia.

Nobody.

But it is not River at the door tonight. The scent of her perfume assaults me first. And then I see her in all her beauty, standing coyly on the threshold when Javi greets her.

This place is familiar to this woman. Javi is familiar to this woman. There is no doubt, she has had him before.

He gestures her inside, and I rot on the inside. Agony paralyzes me as he leads her down the hall to his bedroom. There is no second thought about me.

The door shuts with a resounding noise. My gut churns. My heart shrivels up and dies. And I was wrong. So, so wrong. Because Javi can still break me. He can still destroy me. He's done exactly that.

At first, I am immobile. Unable to move or blink or even breathe. And then the restlessness takes over.

I pace back and forth in the kitchen, frantic. Sick. My fingers quake and my head spins. I want to vomit. I want to scream. There are no tears. There is no sadness. I am captive to only one thing now.

Undiluted rage.

Hatred that burns so bright, I fear it will never be extinguished again. I can't control it. I can't deny it. The animal in me has taken the wheel.

The animal in me is the one who grabs a knife from the wooden block on the counter. The animal in me is the one who walks down the corridor and heaves open his bedroom door, expecting the worst. Poised to kill. Poised to kill them both.

But the woman in me sees only Javi, resting in a chair by the fire with a glass of whiskey in hand.

My eyes scan the room, seeking to destroy. But she is not here. She is not anywhere. The animal doesn't care. She wants retribution, and she will have it.

When Javi dares to look at me, I lunge for him, striking out at his chest. He grabs hold of my arm and halts the blade mid-swing.

"What's the matter, pet?" he taunts.

"I hate you!" I scream.

I try to thrust the knife again. This time he doesn't stop me, and it glances off his chest.

He's bleeding.

But it isn't enough. Not when I see the cruel laughter in his eyes. The way he mocks me with his lips.

"I thought you loved me," he sneers. "That's what you said. You said you would do anything. Anything to prove it."

"Not that," I cry.

And the tears are real now. Pain. So much pain. I feel like I've been punched in the heart.

"Where is she?" I demand. "Who is she?"

Javi snatches me by the throat and looks deep into my eyes. There was a time when my tears turned him on. A time when he liked to collect them like sweet memories. But now, they disgust him.

I disgust him. With my feelings and my humanity and my love.

"You never loved me," he snarls.

"Fuck you," I choke out.

He smiles. And it scares me more than any of his other smiles. Because there is nothing behind it. He is dead. He is without anything now.

I don't know how it came to this. How everything changed so abruptly. Even as he drags me to the bed and tears off my clothes, I want to believe that there is hope. I want to believe all is not lost.

This is just another temporary bout of insanity. But I should know by now. Everything Javi does leaves a permanent scar.

He unbuttons his jeans and thrusts inside of me without warning.

"Fucking liar," he chants.

"You're the liar!" I scream. "You're pathetic. You can't even admit your own feelings. You can't even admit that you care for me."

It's the wrong thing to say.

He stops. And dread fills my stomach. I try to look back at him, but he presses my face into the bed. Then he takes his cock out and nudges it against my ass.

I bite my lip to keep from crying out when he shoves inside. Now he wants my tears for a whole different reason. To punish me. But I won't give him the satisfaction. I won't let him see my pain. Not anymore.

My strength only enrages him further as he grabs me by the hair and yanks.

"You are nothing," he tells me. "Nothing!"

To further prove his point, he reaches for a pillow and frees it from the case. And then he wraps the case over my head, so he doesn't have to look at me.

He fucks me raw. Hard. Brutal. Neither one of us says a word.

I cry silent tears behind the veil of the pillowcase, and he grunts out his frustrations before finishing inside of me. And when he is done, he pushes me away with one final parting blow.

"Nothing."

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

WHEN I WAKE, it is to the sound of the private phone line ringing.

River.

A glance at the clock confirms that it is three am, and I fell asleep at my desk. Drunk. I'm still drunk when I pick up the phone, and his words are not clear. That is my initial reaction.

"Ray is back," I hear.

"What?"

My head throbs and my eyes burn.

"Check your email."

I rouse my computer from slumber. My inbox is filled with alerts.

Ray Rossi has been found.

Alive.

My initial reaction should be relief. This is what I've been waiting for. Hoping for. The day has finally come. Ray is alive. And he will finally know the suffering I have inflicted upon his daughter.

Upon Bella.

River mumbles something from the other line, asking if I'm still there. I disconnect the call and stare at the screen.

My gut churns. It's too soon. That's my only thought. It's too soon. I wasn't ready for this. I’m not ready to let her go. I tell myself that she hasn't been broken. That I need more time.

But it's a lie.

Because it does not matter what I did before. Nothing else matters. After tonight, she will never look at me the same way again. My Bella is as broken as broken can get.

She has seen me for what I am. She has seen me at my worst. She has dared to hope. And her hope has turned to dust.

I flip over to the house security screens and search for her in the dim light. She is not in my room. Or the conservatory. Or even her own room.

I continue searching, and I do not find her in the piano room. Or the library. Or the kitchen. Or any room. Dread coils deep inside as I search them one by one again.

Something is wrong. Something is off. She isn't anywhere.

I leave my office and check the only places without cameras. The bathrooms. But they are empty too. I pace the halls and check the doors and windows.

All locked.

I can find no trace of her. Not one.

My mind conjures up the worst scenarios as I retrace her last steps.

My bedroom is the same as I left it. The pillowcase is now on the floor, next to her panties. And her shoes.

Her shoes.

Next to the bed, the floor board is misplaced.

The trap door. The same trap door I sent the prostitute through upon her arrival this evening. And I don't know how I missed it. How I could have been so careless.

My Bella is so smart. So observant. It is too late. I fear it is too late. I have lost her forever.

Following her scent, I descend into the passageway and find my way along the walls in the darkness. Waiting for a sound. A shadow. But there are none.

When I reach the end, my worries are only compounded. The door is cracked, a sliver of moonlight spilling in from the outside. This is the way she left.

It's almost four am now. I don't know how long she has been out here. I don't know if she found her way in the darkness. Flagged down a passing car on the old dirt road.

What if someone took her? Someone worse than me?

My chest caves in. There is nobody worse than me. That's what I'd like to believe. But for my Bella, there are others who could be worse. I have to find her. I have to get to her and...

There is a footprint in the dirt.

It's not right. She went the wrong way. She came out in the darkness and could not see the path to the road, so she unknowingly ventured deeper into the forest instead.

I walk beside her footprints and retrace her steps. They are wild at first. She was running. But as the brush thickens, the footsteps disappear, and I have only broken twigs and bent leaves to rely on.

I listen for her. My eyes seek out her hair, shining in the moonlight. I do not see it. Not after ten minutes. Not even after thirty. But the trail is still here. And so I keep going. I keep searching, hoping that my Bella is still here.

After two hours, I still have not found her. And all traces of her disappear abruptly. There is nothing. But I am in the middle of the forest. It doesn't make sense.

I stop, and I listen. And eventually, I hear something. The faintest of sobs from behind a tree.