Searching for Perfect (Searching For 2)

"She would break your heart!"

"How do you know? Because she's beautiful? Because she'd leave me for someone better one day, like Mom did? You both drive me crazy! There's no guarantees here. Bottom line is you have to be willing to go for it. Kennedy couldn't. I hope one day she does, because I think I'll love that woman till the day I die. But you? You still have a shot. Get your head out of your ass and do something with your life."

Rage poured from his brother's figure. Connor grabbed him by his shirt, dragged him off the couch, and shook him like a dog showing dominance. "Fuck you! I tried and didn't get that supervisor job. I'm not a college-educated brilliant scientist, and I never will be. This is all I got!"

Nate shoved him away and fisted his hands. "Fuck you! Who said this is all you got? Mom? Dad? Me? You? Decide what you want, and you go after it. If getting a supervisor position means a college degree, go back to school."

Connor pushed him back, and got in his face. Spittle flew from his mouth as he growled, "Fuck you! I don't have the money."

Nate took the first punch. A nice, clean arc connecting with his brother's jaw. "Fuck you! You sacrificed and put me through school and raised me. You don't think I'd pay for your education and anything else you need? Why can't I finally give something back to you?"

Connor held his jaw, lowered his body, and sicced him with a powerful uppercut that snapped his head back. Little birdies began to fly, and then the world steadied. "Fuck you! I'm not smart enough to go to college."

Nate bent low and head butted him in the stomach. His brother gasped for air and fell back. "Fuck you! You've always been smart, but you never had the chance to show it. You're a natural at management, and a business degree would give you everything you want. Pussy!"

His brother straightened and stepped in the ring. "Who you calling a pussy?"

They stopped talking and started punching. Nate used everything he was taught and added some new moves, but Connor was the master and blocked most of the serious jabs. Finally, they both fell back on the floor, panting for breath, adrenaline pumping and filling up the room.

It was beautiful.

His muscles let go, and he laid his head back on the floor, catching up on his oxygen and staring at the ceiling. He sensed his brother was doing the same. After a while, Connor's voice drifted up. "Would you really put me through college?"

"Yeah."

A pause. "You think I could do it?"

"I know you could."

"The guys use this local community college that gives discounted rates. I could still work, go to class at night, and take the accelerated weekend ones to finish earlier."

"You already checked into it, huh?"

A sigh echoed. "Yeah."

"Good. Register this week."

"Okay. Where'd you learn that 'right hook, swipe the knee at the same time' move?"

"Took what you gave me and tweaked it a bit. A bit of science helps."

"Nice. Hey, Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you still love that matchmaker? If she wanted you back, would you go?"

His heart died a little, but he was used to it, and figured one day it wouldn't ache so much. Maybe. Maybe not. "I love her. But I don't know. It would depend. She needs to take a hell of a leap for me to believe she'll stick. Because I won't survive losing her a second time."

"I hear you."

They lay in silence for a while, then slowly got up. Retrieved their beer. And started watching Breaking Bad, side by side.

seventeen

KATE PEEKED IN her office. "You okay?"

She forced a smile. "Hanging in there."

"Ladies' night. Mugs. Friday. Gen's coming."

Ken raised her brow. "You believe her?"

"David's out of town at a conference so I think she'll sneak out. Jane and Arilyn are in."

"Okay." She tried to keep her voice from sounding lackluster, but her energy was low these days. The knowledge that she'd lost Nate for good would take her a long recovery time. But she was making some changes. She'd gone back to her therapist, and the sessions were helpful. All that time she'd gotten her body back to being healthy, she'd forgotten the other important half. To love all of herself, good and bad, fat and skinny, smart and not so smart. They were delving deep, and though the work was painful, a weight began to lift from her soul.

Three weeks had passed since she officially lost Nate. Both Mary and he had withdrawn from Kinnections, and she hoped he was happy with her.

Kate spoke quietly. "You're going to be okay, sweetie. We'll get you through it."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Anything."

"What happens if you let your soul-mate go? You sensed we were meant for each other. But what if it doesn't work? Is one doomed to spend the rest of her life searching for something she'll never find?"

Kate shook her head hard. "No. You cannot think like that. My mother explained about the gift. It doesn't guarantee a happy-ever-after. Two people may not be meant for this time around. You can have many people you love in this lifetime, Ken, I swear to you. And we don't know the future. The most important part is you didn't turn away from it. You tried to tell Nate the truth. You took the risk. That's the key. Understand?"

Silly tears threatened. She was so frickin' emotional lately. "Yes. Thanks."

"No problem. I came in to tell you there's a client waiting. I tried to help him, but he only wants to talk to you. Heard you were the best."

Ken swiped at her eyes and laughed. "Well, he's right about that. You can send him in."

"You got it."

She straightened her desk, adjusted her cocoa brown jacket, and put her game face on. The pen dropped from her fingers when she came face-to-face with Nate's brother.

Fear cut her apart piece by piece. "Is Nate okay?"

"Yes, he's fine. Just wanted to talk."

The breath left her body. Thank God. She'd take the emotional hit of being close to his brother as long as Nate was safe. "Sit down."

He unfurled his long, bulky length into the seat. He tried to hook one ankle over his leg but bashed himself into the desk, so he settled for shaking his foot back and forth as if he were about to face the principal in elementary school. "Got something to ask."

"Go ahead."

"Do you still love Nate?"

Her body froze but she forced herself to speak. "Yes. I will probably always love him."

"I lied."

She cocked her head and studied him. His hand began to pound out a rhythm against his knee. "What do you mean?"

"He wasn't sleeping with Mary. He never did. They were dating, and I didn't trust you. I lied to make sure you didn't bother him again."

A small smile broke over her lips. "I don't blame you. You're his brother, and you wanted to protect him. I would've lied, too."

He stopped rocking and tapping and met her gaze. The hazel eyes that were once filled with accusation now seemed softer. More forgiving. "I made a mistake. I never told Nate about you coming to see him."

She shrugged. "No reason. He's with Mary now, he's happy. That's all I wanted for him. They both withdrew from Kinnections, so things must be working out well."

"He's not with Mary anymore."

The breath whooshed out of her lungs. A terrible hope sprang from deep within, but she held it back. "What are you saying?"

He muttered something under his breath. "Nate loves you. He never had a relationship with Mary--they didn't connect. Mary found someone else, and Nate decided to take some time off from dating. He's trying to get over you, but it's like he's haunted all the time. Unhappy. He goes through the motions. Meets me and the guys for drinks, but he's like a shadow of himself. I think I was wrong."

Her heart pounded so hard and so loudly she swore his brother heard it. "About what?"

"About you. I think you got scared, like you said, and freaked out. I think I judged you because you remind me of all these women who have hurt me, starting with my mom. But I don

't want to do that anymore. Who am I to judge you? We all make mistakes. I'm a walking mess, but Nate's putting me through school now, and I want more. Don't you?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Good. You need to go see him. Get him back."

Her hands trembled as she pushed her hair back from her face. "I'll need to prove he can trust me. You think he'll forgive me?"

"Yeah. But you gotta come up with something good. Something epic."

The hope let loose and sprouted. She had another chance. "I have to think."

"Maybe you go see him in a raincoat, and you take it off, and you're naked underneath. Then you say I'll do anything to get you back."

She rolled her eyes. "Dude, are you serious? That's so lame and overdone. Next idea."

Connor glared. "Would've worked with me," he muttered. "I know! We deliver a big cake to his lab, and you jump out of it in a sequined bikini while the song 'I Apologize' is on in the background and beg his forgiveness."