Searching for Always (Searching For 4)

They lay quietly for a while, both sifting through her answer. "Do you still love him?"

Arilyn rolled over to face him. Stroking his beloved face, the rough, carved features, the silky scratch of his goatee, she shook her head. "No, Stone. I don't love him anymore." I love you, she ached to say. But it was too soon. He wasn't ready, and Arilyn wondered if he ever would be. Still, she'd tell him one day, because he deserved to know.

"Good."

She smiled. "What about you? Do you still think of your ex-wife?"

"Sometimes. But not because I miss Ellen or still love her. I think over where it really went wrong, which I think was straight from the beginning. I don't think I was ever made for a long-term relationship. Once I accepted it, I seemed to do better by not expecting something from myself I can't give."

Her heart broke a little. Why couldn't he see it? He was meant for a family and love. He was loyal and protective and deserved so much. "You're wrong," she finally said. "If you believe that, you're just like my ex."

He drew back a little. "Don't ever compare me to him."

"He didn't believe he was capable of being monogamous. By allowing himself to believe such bullshit, he made himself into what he wanted. Ellen cheated on you, yes, but it wasn't your work that drove her to it or your selfishness. It was both of you not wanting to work, or communicate, or fix the tears." She blinked, refusing to get sloppy and emotional. "It's the coward's way out."

"I'm being honest, not a coward," he shot back. "Don't get any ideas about who I could be, little one. I'll only disappoint you."

Her heart couldn't take it. Anger replaced the pain, and she grabbed his cheeks, forcing him to deal with her. "How do you know?" she shot back. "You buried your head in the sand after your divorce and locked yourself in a world of limitations that don't exist. Bullshit you can't be in a healthy, committed relationship. Bullshit your work and cynicism will ruin everything. Bullshit to all of it, Stone Petty, because you're just lying to yourself for one big fat reason. It's easy. And safe."

"That's two."

"Asshole."

"Shut up." The frustration twisted, until he pushed her back on the pillow and took her mouth in a deep, thorough kiss. She dug her nails deep into his naked shoulders, eliciting a grunt of pain, and nipped at his lip, aggressively giving back to the kiss until his hips pinned hers and he was surging again between her thighs, already half-erect.

He broke the kiss, panting, staring at her with a mad gleam of lust and something more. Something deep that gave her pause and hope. "We have this," he said fiercely. "It's real, and brave, and good. Can't that be enough?"

Arilyn arched for more of him. He slid deeper, and the pleasure gripped her mercilessly. "For now," she gasped out. "Fuck me, Stone."

He muttered a vicious curse, took her mouth, and fucked her long and hard. Arilyn clung and shattered around him, refusing to deal with the dawn of day and her love for a man who didn't believe in it.

Afterward, sated, wrecked, lying in his arms, she finally heard him speak.

"I'm taking you to the movies tomorrow night."

She roused herself enough to wonder if the sex had killed his brain cells. "Huh?"

"The movies. You know, a date. Dinner, too. Okay?"

Her throat tightened. "Okay," she whispered. She knew it was his way of showing her what she meant to him. His gift, and a reminder he wasn't her ex, and refused to keep her locked up in his bedroom because it made things less messy. A complete contradiction to the mind-blowing sex they'd just engaged in.

"But none of those chick flicks. I hate them. Something with guns. Okay?"

She thanked the dark for masking the tears that stung her eyes.

"Okay."

Arilyn smiled and cuddled close. She'd take what she could. It was enough. For now.

eighteen

I'M IN TROUBLE, Kennedy."

Her friend arched a brow and studied her from the doorway. Arilyn had just finished a counseling session in the purple room and couldn't focus. Every thought and action kept going back to Stone and their incredible night together. Maybe if she talked it over with her friend she'd be able to work out the tangled emotions wrecking her system.

"What type of trouble?"

Arilyn sighed. "Man trouble."

"The worst kind. Wait here." Kennedy disappeared, and then came back with her cell phone. "Hang tight."

"What are you doing?"

"FaceTiming with Kate."

"No! She's on her honeymoon! Oh my God, do not call and bother her!"

"Too late. It's connecting. Hey, babe, how's the sun, sand, and sex?"

Arilyn squeezed her eyes shut.

Kate's voice drifted from the phone. "Fabulous. Is something wrong? Is Robert okay? Kinnections?"

"Take a chill pill, things are fine. Except we have a crisis with Arilyn, and since she never comes to us with boy trouble, I knew you'd be pissed if I didn't bring you into the conference call."

"Damn right. Turn me around so I can see her."

Caught between laughter and a groan, Arilyn opened her eyes. "Hi, Kate. I'm sorry about this."

Her friend looked tan, well rested, and deliriously happy. She was in a black bikini and floppy-brimmed hat, and held a cocktail with a purple paper umbrella sticking out of it. "Don't be sorry. I've been dying to have this convo with you for a long time. Thank God you dumped Yoga Man. Now, tell us all the details."

Kennedy squeezed into the circle so they could all see each other.

Arilyn decided to go with the unvarnished truth. "I'm in love with Stone Petty."

Kate gaped. Kennedy gasped. Silence settled over the room for a few moments.

"Damn, girlfriend, you didn't even give us a warm-up. Hard-core," Kennedy said.

Kate squealed. "I'm so happy for you! This is the best news ever! Isn't it? Wait a minute, why don't you look happy?"

"Are we ever happy when we realize we've fallen for a man?" Kennedy quipped. "Most of them are not as smart as us and fight it to the end."

"Except Nate," Kate said. "He said you were worse than any man."

Kennedy beamed. "Well, I gotta make him work for it, don't I?"

"Guys, I don't know what to do. When we started this thing, we agreed it would be about sex. Then we moved it a bit into companionship, and you convinced me to invite him to the wedding."

"Which went famously well, I thought," Kate said. "He was a big hit. Slade loved him."

"So did Nate."

"I know, but now he did something terrible and ruined the whole affair thing."

"What?" Kate demanded.

"He fostered Pinky for me. And fell in love with her. And he hates dogs, because he got bit by a pit bull years ago, but he took in Pinky as a favor and now he carries her around with him because he refuses to leave her alone, and he has this great big heart, and he wrung, like, a million orgasms from me that night with the ice, and I fell in love with him. And if I tell him, he'll run and refuse to look back, because he doesn't think he can be in a relationship because of all these excuses he believes are true."

Kennedy let out a breath. "Dudette, this is crazy. How many orgasms? Did you like the ice?"

"Focus!" Kate snapped. "We can't talk about the sex now."

"Sorry. Umm, okay, most men run at the idea of the word love being thrown around. Maybe he needs some time to get used to the idea."

"You think?" Arilyn murmured. "He's been divorced so he's bitter, and he says he's a workaholic, and I know we're opposites, but there's something about us that just fits."

"Slade was divorced," Kate said. "We had a lot of ups and downs, but eventually he came to realize just because it didn't work with his ex doesn't mean it never works at all."

"I think he's using excuses to keep him from admitting the truth," Arilyn said softly. "I know it's only been a little while, but I swear he has all these emotions inside to give. There's a connection between us. The way he looks at me, touches me. He just hates talking about fe

elings."

Kennedy rolled her eyes. "Men like to work out their emotions in bed. It's the simpler way of communicating. I think he calls for a bit of patience. Cops are bristly, hard-core cases."