Searching for Always (Searching For 4)

They stayed together for a while, not speaking. He'd never experienced comfort without sex, and he allowed himself to surrender to the embrace and the woman he was in love with.

"I'm so sorry, Stone. Thank you for telling me."

He thought about where they could go from here. Still, there was no way it would work. He was a stubborn SOB, a lifelong bachelor, and had no desire to set up a future with children and dogs and a white picket fence. It would be good for a while. Real good. But then he'd work one too many late nights, go back to eating shitty food, lose his temper, and begin disappointing her. The spiral would begin.

"Come to bed with me."

The invitation was more than physical. It was an askance of the next step for them both.

Stone pulled back and stared at her beautiful face. Stroked her swollen lips. Cupped her cheeks. Kissed her again.

"I can't, Arilyn. I can't do this."

Pain and grief flickered in those green eyes. "You can. You're choosing not to try."

"I'm choosing not to disappoint you. It's better this way. You're better off without me."

She pushed him away and he let her. He got himself together, disposed of the condom, and when he came back, she was frozen in place, her arms wrapped around her chest, squeezing tight, as if desperate for warmth. Something broke inside of him and Stone realized he'd never be whole again. Still, he didn't reach for her.

He believed he was doing the right thing. Better now than later. Better now before it was too much for both of them.

He stopped at the door. "I'll bring Pinky over in the morning."

Her words were cold and deliberate. "Don't. I'm asking you to keep her longer, Stone. You don't have to be there for me. I've learned I'm strong and can heal. But Pinky needs to believe in something, and for now, that's you. If you let her go, you'll break her heart. And she may not heal from that."

His eyes burned as he reached for the knob. "I'll think about it."

He left.

twenty

I LOST HIM."

Tears streamed from her eyes, and a horrible hiccupping sob kept escaping her lips. She'd officially lost it. No breathing or meditation or calm reflection for her. She was falling apart in a wreck of emotion, and thank God, her only audience was her best friends.

After Stone left, she spent the rest of the night in a numb state, trying to accept that she'd lost the battle. She got dressed for work the next morning, followed her strict routine, and managed to keep it together for the first few hours at Kinnections. Then when Kate and Kennedy popped their heads into her office to ask about Stone, she completely broke down.

"Oh, sweetie!" Kate took her in a tight embrace. "Kennedy will hurt him for you."

"Hell, yes I will. What happened? Oh my God, did he cheat? Get nasty? Lie?"

Arilyn gulped and dashed away her tears. "N-N-No. I told him I loved him, and he couldn't handle it, so he left."

Kennedy groaned. "I told you not to confess it yet! The son of a bitch got spooked!"

"Stop yelling at her," Kate said. "She did the right thing telling him the truth. Arilyn can't handle deception well. Maybe he'll come back?"

Arilyn hiccupped again. "No. He's not coming back. He even wanted to give back Pinky. I hate him!"

"We do, too."

Arilyn shook her head. "No, I really love him. Ugh, he was supposed to be my transitional. How did this happen? I didn't even like him at first."

"He used sex to blind you to his deficiencies," Kennedy said. "It's like men get a training session in how to do that and not put down a toilet seat."

"I hate crying! I'm so pissed, I want to do something crazy."

Kennedy jumped up from the couch. "I'll call Gen. We'll dress up, go out, get trashed, and torture men."

Arilyn gave a half laugh when Kate nodded frantically. "Yes, that's good. Let's do it."

"It's three o'clock," Arilyn pointed out. "It's a workday."

"Not anymore!" Kate announced. "We're closing up for the day and heading out. I'll come with you to your place, and we'll all meet at Mugs. Deal?"

"Done," Kennedy said.

"I don't think solving problems with alcohol is a good idea," Arilyn said weakly.

Kennedy rolled her eyes. "Darlin', it's the only thing we have left. Get your ass in gear. We're drinking."

This time Arilyn didn't protest, just followed them out.

"DUDE. WHAT'S UP WITH you?"

Stone maneuvered the car through the packed streets of Verily. People were out in droves to shop before the holidays rolled in, and the stores were taking full advantage. The town pulled out all the stops to draw crowds. Even now, the streetlamps were strung with cheerful white lights, and shop windows competed with displays of food, clothing, or art to draw in pedestrians. Dogs and their owners lined up at the Barking Dog Bakery for treats, and people strolled sipping espresso, holding large bags, and giving in to the draw of the upstate river town that charmed with an innate grace and character.

Stone grunted. He spotted Pinky in the rearview mirror, staring out the window at the other dogs with perfect manners. After that first day at the station, he'd brought her in twice more, and suddenly his coworkers were getting all weird. Even Chief Dick said it was okay to bring her in every day as long as she behaved. As if Pinky realized she was the new police mascot, her confidence spiked and she now preened for them all. Dunn began feeding her the damn Munchkins from Dunkin', and McCoy bought her a frickin' squeaky toy. Even the rookie stopped complaining and threatening him with the Board of Health. In a matter of a week, his hard-core cop buddies who'd once made fun of her now took turns visiting his desk to hang.

It annoyed the crap out of him.

But Pinky was getting much better. Probably good enough to find

a permanent home. He kept delaying the day he would give her back to Arilyn but decided it needed to be done sooner than later. Pinky needed a real family. Not a bunch of workaholic, donut-eating cops.

Devine kept talking. "You're a real asshole plus a bore. When McCoy rigged your computer mouse not to work, you freaked so bad, I thought you were gonna beat the crap out of him. When you're not surly, you're moping around, making me miserable. Hey, should we stop at the Barking Dog for her? She likes those sugar cookies."

Stone shot him a glare and kept his eyes on the road. "No, she's eating too much sugar lately. Sorry if I'm not your Mr. Charming, but I hate the holidays. They're full of expectations and promise that never get fulfilled."

"Did you graduate from Harvard psychology, man? What's up with that mumbo jumbo?"

"Forget it."

"I thought you'd be happy. You're the one who broke it off with her, right? You had some good sex, got your freedom back, a cool dog. What more do you want?"

Arilyn Meadows. He missed her more than smoking. He missed her body, her smile, her laugh. He missed her makeshift family and the anger management sessions. There was this big-ass void in his gut and his life that he couldn't understand or get past.

He'd never been in love before. His marriage with Ellen had been a pale ghost of the real thing, which he knew now. The short affairs before had just been lust. Now that he'd experienced the real thing, he was ruined.

"Nothing."

"Son of a bitch." The softly spoken curse jarred his ears. Devine let out a hearty laugh. "You fell in love with her! Why the hell did you break it off?"

"Shut up."

"Hell, no, I'm not shutting up. What's up with you, dude? If she made you happy, why didn't you just be with her?"

He gritted his teeth so hard, he thought shards would snap out of his mouth. "We're not good together for the long haul," he said tightly. "I only did it sooner to spare both of us heartache."

"Yeah, how's that working out for you?"

"Fuck you."

"No, fuck you! You finally meet a decent woman who wants to put up with your crap, and you break up with her for the greater good? What about what you want for a change? What did you do so horrible in your past life that you don't deserve to be happy?"

Stone glared. "Look, my marriage was a mess. This job sucks you dry. I don't do long-term."