Poison

“Well?” she asked, in a whisper-hiss. “When are you going to sort yourself out and make some actual progress? Millie needs to see you back with Maya. Maya needs it too.” She paused, and I felt my stomach lurching. “And you need it, Lucas. Even if you are too Anna Blackwell blind to see sense, you need it too! Take some action, before it’s too late!”

She was right on one score, at least. I was Anna Blackwell blind to the maximum. She had my heart, and my thoughts and my dreams snared in hers.

I tossed and turned in bed at night, craving her next to me. I was coasting through my waking life praying that some kind of crazy lightning bolt would strike and bring her back.

Losing her would be a nightmare I’d wake up from on loop, and she was everywhere. In everything. Lost from my whole fucking world.

I think I must have coasted for weeks on end, staring at the sky and hoping for a bizarre strike of fortune.

I must have shrugged myself into oblivion, buying into helplessness and accepting this bullshit outcome as the only one I was capable of living. But then it stopped.

I snapped myself back to reason one morning while sitting at the project meeting table at work.

I’d never once wished on fortune. Not once in my life had I ever dug into my pocket and tossed a coin into Neptune’s fountain along with Anna.

My outlook was simple, and it was strong.

The universe isn’t responsible for my road ahead. I am.

It was true.

I was responsible for my road ahead, and I was responsible for seizing my own destiny.

And so I would.

I wrapped up the project meeting ahead of schedule, standing up at the table to gather my notes and laptop while a host of confused faces stared over at me. I retreated to my office and got my coat, and checked straight out of the building with one eye on the time.

Lunchtime was busying in town when I closed the distance. I grabbed a bouquet of stunning red roses from the florist on the corner and headed across the final few streets with my heart pounding hard, because I had to do this. Fuck all the consequences and how I’d still need to find some miracle way ahead, I had to do this.

I kept my distance, holding back a little way from Lewton’s Consultancy so as not to freak Anna the hell out just as soon as she stepped out through the front doors for lunch, but I was ready. My mouth was dry with nerves, and my whole body was humming with need, but I was ready.

I needed her.

I needed her to know that I needed her.

I needed her to know that she was my whole world and always would be, and this time I couldn’t let her go.

But then I saw him.

Sebastian Maitland was crossing the street up ahead, dressed in his uber designer suit with his phone pressed up to his ear. I saw him head up to the Lewton’s front doorway and heard him explode-laugh his snotty laugh at whatever pompous associate was on the other end of the line.

And then I saw her.

Anna.

Jesus Christ, I saw my beautiful Anna.

She came out of the front doors and she was smiling. Beautiful, and smiling, and enough to set my soul on fire.

That fire burnt me to nothing but dust.

She was smiling as she walked up to Sebastian like it was the most natural thing in the world, and she was smiling as she slipped her arm through his and they walked away up the street.

He was still on his phone, without giving a toss for even saying hello to the woman at his side, but that didn’t seem to matter.

They were back together.

They were back together and she looked happy for it.

And I was done.

Reeling, and broken and done.

I handed the bouquet of roses to a sweet looking grandma on the way into the nearest shop, and I ran. I ran back towards GCHQ, not really sure quite where I was going until I ran out of breath down a side alley between two stores.

Once again, I was fucking retching my guts up as fate spat me out. I was sick and I was sobbing, and I was cursing everything I’d ever been and everything I’d ever done all over again.

But at least Anna was happy.

Thank God, she was happy.

And so was Millie.

So was my little girl.

That was all that really mattered. I deserved every fucking scrap of my pain, and I’d live it and take it, and stop fucking trying.

My own happiness was worthless anyway.Chapter Thirty-ThreeAnnaIt was one of his work social nights. Sebastian’s.

I was sitting at our regular table, making the same regular small talk with the same regular group of other halves, twirling the engagement ring on my finger that was fresh on there for the past few days, ignoring my orange juice as the other women sipped away on their wine.