Confessions of a Litigation God

“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” she says softly, but I might sense a little bit of apprehension in her voice.

Still, I feel like I just conquered the biggest f**king case of my career… convinced the most jaundiced jury to award me everything I could ever desire. And all she did was agree to go on a date with me.

Leaning in, I kiss her forehead and then pull back, searching her eyes one last time to make sure there’s no doubt… no hesitation on her part. She returns my look boldly… confidently… hopefully.

Smiling, I drop my hands from her face and turn away from her, heading back to the front door.

“Wait! Where are you going?” she calls out to me in confusion.

I don’t look back at her as I reach out and open her door. But I do yell back over my shoulder. “I’m going home so I can call you and ask you out all nice and proper. ”

I hear her stammer, “But… but…” but then she fades away as I walk out and close the door behind me.

Chuckling, I practically skip my way to the elevator, so f**king high on life right now.

***

As soon as I get home to my apartment, I grab a can of Diet Coke from my fridge and hop over the back of the couch, bouncing on the cushions. Pulling my phone out, I call Mac and she answers on the second ring.

Her voice is all breathless and excited, and oh, so sexy, and I immediately think of having phone sex with her. But I shake my head to clear those thoughts. “Hey. ”

“Hey,” she says back coyly, but I can hear the smile on her face.

“So, I was just wondering… would you be interested in going on a date with me Friday night? Maybe dinner? See a show?”

She really brings out her southern accent, and I can almost envision her batting her eyelashes at me when she says, “Why, Mr. Connover… I’d be delighted to accompany you Friday night. ”

I laugh at her silliness, but I’m still immensely happy that she agreed again. I guess a small part of me was afraid she’d change her mind by the time I got home. She laughs with me, at me… I’m not sure, but it’s amazing to me after the week we’ve had, that we can laugh at all.

Which brings it crashing down on me, that I still have some amends to make with her. “I really am sorry,” I say quietly into the phone. “For all the ways I’ve hurt you. ”

“You don’t have to—” Mac st

arts to say, but I cut her off.

“I do have to. If we’re going to start over and try this whole dating thing…I do need to apologize, and I need you to tell me you forgive me. I need you to listen to me… let me get it all out, and then I need you to forgive me. ”

“Okay,” Mac says softly, appreciatively, and then she waits for me to begin.

“First… I need you to believe me, I have not been with another woman since you and I first met. I know I told you that you were ‘replaced and forgotten’ but I was saying that only to hurt you. You are irreplaceable, Mac, and there’s no way I could ever forget you. ”

She stays silent, which is good, because I have more to say.

“I know it’s hard to believe… you know… me being a litigation god and all, but I have a lot of fears and insecurities, and I’ve been trying to work through them. ”

Mac chuckles and says, “You? Insecure? When pigs fly. ”

I laugh softly but tell her, “It’s true, Mac. The failure of my marriage… the shit that went down with Marissa and Cal… it f**ked me up. Changed me. I just didn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. ”

Her breath is gentle across the line. “I understand, and I’m sorry you went through that. ”

“I just want you to know that the things I said… they were meant to hurt you because I was hurting and confused, and f**k… I know I sound like a girl, and I can only hope you remember all the stellar times I f**ked you into oblivion as I’m saying this. ”

Mac actually snorts in laughter. “Well, I certainly don’t want to have to revoke your man card. Let’s call it water under the bridge, okay?”

“You forgive me then?”

“I do,” she says firmly.

“Why?”

She’s quiet a moment, then she tells me words that fill me with peace. “Matt… when you came to Nashville, to support me… when you were by my side as my mother died… I just knew that there was something special about you. I knew that I wanted more from you. Did the things you said to me hurt? Yes. Did I think you were being cruel, petulant, and ridiculous? Yes. But I also knew the real Matt, even if you wouldn’t acknowledge his existence. And to answer your question, I forgive you because you said you were sorry, and I can hear the sincerity in your voice. There is no reason I shouldn’t forgive you so we can have a chance to make something. ”

Oh, man… what did I ever do to deserve this woman? This woman who looks like an angel, f**ks like the devil, and has instantly forgiven my transgressions.

“Thank you,” is all I can think to say, because if there’s one thing I know about Mac… she’s about as ballsy as they come. She didn’t need to give me a second chance. She’s independent enough that she’d never give me a backward glance, she’s beautiful enough to have any man she wanted, and she’s brilliant enough to shoot for the stars. I’m going to have to accept her word as true… that she is giving me another chance because she sees something inside of me that makes me worthy of a woman like her.

I make a vow to myself that I need to treat Mac with all the respect and integrity I have within me, because she’s a far bigger person than I ever could be. I can’t hold anything back if I want to be with her.

“Tell me more about Gabe,” Mac says, and I can almost envision her lying on the couch, twirling a finger around a lock of her hair while we talk.

Gabe is an easy enough subject, because I could talk every minute of every day for a year and still not tire of talking about him. I’m not sure if, as humans, we should make our entire existence focus on the benefit of one thing, but I think as a parent, that’s something that is impossible to ignore. My entire existence is about Gabe, and while I have room in my life for other things… such as work, maybe now a relationship with Mac… nothing will ever come before his health and happiness.