Eternally North (Eternally North 1)

“You have an expressive face, remember.” he announced sadly.

Goddamnit Tash, you couldn’t lie if your life depended on it. Well, here we go, time to forge ahead.

“I need to know why you fought us for so long. Why did you try to push me away? Why didn’t you want to be with me?” I said in a rush before I chickened out from asking what I needed to know.

He sighed and glanced away. “I didn't think I was right for you, Tash. I still don't, you are too good for me. I thought if I pushed you away, then you could never want me like I wanted you and the attraction would be mine to deal with, and mine alone. But when I upset you at the pond, it nearly killed me. I freaked. Believe me when I say that you were never the problem, it was my issues that made me act like a fool. I can't even think back to what I said to you, how I made you feel. I knew I’d cave in the end, I wanted you too damn much. You can only fight so long before your heart ultimately defeats your best intentions.”

“What issues made you act a fool, Tude?” I pushed.

He hesitated. “I-I… I can’t say. It’s not another woman, or that I'm embarrassed of you, I don’t want you to ever think that. It’s complicated, and I can’t talk about it, but believe me when I say that I’ll protect you from it. Damn it, I want to tell you but I just... can't,” he slumped forward in defeat.

I rolled my head back in exasperation. What was his friggin’ problem? Why did he have to hide so much?

He read my expression and gripped my hand. “Tash, this won’t be forever. Hopefully it will be resolved soon, and I promise you’ll know everything. I just can’t tell you now, I can't risk it getting out into the public, and before you say it, I know you wouldn't tell anyone, but there's legal shit to deal with and... I just can't risk it. I just don’t want you to give up on me.” He leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

“Is this secret the reason you’re in Calgary?”

He nodded in his hands.

“Is it why you live so close to your family? Why you fought our attraction?”

He nodded once more.

I breathed in the fresh mountain air. Okay, I get it. I was not exactly thrilled, but I had to trust him. He was somehow protecting his family. That was something I understood – family first.

“Okay, Tudor. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if and when you need to talk. It’s early doors for us; we will just take every day as it comes.”

He sat back, staring at the reflected trees on the calm surface of the pond, and whispered, “Thank you.”

I could see it meant a lot for someone to say that they would accept him, would trust him; the tension immediately left his tight shoulders. He glanced at me, kissed my hand and smiled.

I patted his knee preemptively. The inquisition wasn’t over that easily. I had one other question. "You’ve mentioned before that you lived in LA and you were a bit wild, and the TV report said you had a ‘drink-fuelled year’ – what the hell happened?”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me in close. "What happened? Fame, money, fans, you name it. The whole nine yards. I remember moving there and thinking that I would never be one of those actors, the ones you see falling out of bars, off their face on drugs or drink.

“I was in LA when I received some bad news from back home, the same news I can't tell you about, the same issue that won’t f**king die. I went out that night and just drank. I woke up the next day in a strange bed with a girl I didn't know, and that became the pattern. I drank, I f**ked, I forgot. It changed when I got a phone call from my mother telling me she’d seen me on TV, completely blitzed, and that she was worried about me and couldn't deal with anything else to cause her stress. I decided that night to leave LA and move back to Vancouver with my family, and as soon as the decision was made, the darkness I had been fighting lifted some, and I've never looked back.

“Raquel happened during that time and capitalised on the fling, she practically prostitutes herself out to other actors to increase her own profile, and I, the drunken sucker that I was, fell straight into her malicious trap. I actually have no memory of that night. I just woke up the next morning in her bed, both of us naked. It makes me sick even thinking about it.

“I'm no longer that lost guy, Tash. But I do have certain troubles following me, but I’m working on them. Some I can control, others I can’t. But you will never be harmed, not if I can help it."

I leaned in and kissed him passionately, reassuring him. "Thank you for telling me that."

He shrugged. "Anything to keep you. I feel like you're always one revelation from slipping away, that one day I'll wake up and you'll be done with me, with us, that you will get sick of this life and sick of what being with me entails, and I'm not only talking about the fame shit, at the moment that’s the easy part.

“When we were just friends, the thought of not seeing you again gave me chills, but now that you’re finally mine…" he turned his head away from my view.

I nudged his arm playfully and pulled him in for a hug. "You're stuck with me, babes, just deal with it! Plus, my va-jay-jay was pissed at me for my self-imposed celibacy over the past ten months and I’ll tell you now, she ain’t gonna be too happy if I withdraw the extremely-bankable Tudor-deposits she’s received of late. I think she might actually shut down if I do, so you’re good for a little while longer while my foof gets her fill.”