Going Under (Going Under 1)

29 What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

Claire

I was surprised my mom allowed me to cut school for three days. She knew how hurt I was, but when Friday morning came, she came into my room and told me I couldn’t avoid life forever and the time had come for me to return to school.

I knew she was right, but that didn’t mean I didn’t dread going. I didn’t want to see Jessie because I wasn’t sure I could without completely breaking down.

Although my mom flipped my bright light on, I laid in my bed and thought about how Payton had called me after school yesterday and told me about her conversation with Jessie. She insisted something was off-that he seemed more affected than he should have been for an ass**le that used me like that, as she put it delicately. I reminded myself that she didn’t see the look in his eyes when he grabbed my face and told me how he had used me to get back at Forbes, all while he was sleeping with Gretchen.

I felt nauseous thinking about them together. I remembered the intimate way we kissed and touched and was sickened when I began to wonder how many times I had primed him up so he could go to Gretchen after he left me.

How could I been so stupid? I thought of how I ended things with Forbes for Jessie and I imagined how the whole school must have laughed when they found out about the demise of our brief romance. I bet they all thought I got exactly what I deserved after dumping Forbes. It was absolutely humiliating, but I reminded myself I had done nothing wrong except follow my heart for the first time in my life. Look at what a disaster it had turned out to be.

I closed my eyes to shut out the harsh reality and I heard my mom knock on my door. “Claire, you’re going to be late if you don’t get up and get ready.”

She was right, but I couldn’t bring myself to reply. I dragged myself out of bed while she stood by my door watching me, ensuring I got up and didn’t continue laying there feeling sorry for myself. I went into my bathroom and out of sheer habit turned on my favorite playlist before I got into the shower. I stood under the falling water wishing it would wash away the events of the last few weeks, but unfortunately found it to be unsuccessful.

‘Stronger’ began to play and I listened to the lyrics, reminded that I wasn’t the only person in the world that ever felt this way if there were songs written about the pain following a break up. I wondered why I had spent the last three days thinking the only solution to this was to lay down and die. I was not over because he chose to be out of my life. I wasn’t going to allow what he did to me to kill me. It was going to make me stronger.

I felt a surge of strength I hadn’t had in days and I hurried to get ready, excited about facing the reality of what had happened and showing the world I could stand a little taller. I put on a little more make-up than usual, in hopes of hiding the visible signs of what the last few days had left under my eyes, and put on one of my sassiest dresses and boots.

Looking in the mirror, I felt confident. Who could look at me dressed like this and think I wasn’t so completely over Jessie Boone?

After homeroom, I met up with Payton at our lockers. She took one look at me and said, “Well, somebody looks quite well after not leaving her bed for three days because of a certain unnamed ass**le.”

“I’m fine. Really. I’m over it all. It takes more than the likes of Jessie Boone to make me lay down and die,” I said to convince her.

“That’s my girl,” Payton said as she hugged me. “It’s past time to file him under Who Gives a Damn.”

“I wish I hadn’t skipped school for three days like a wuss, but it’s too late to change that now.” When I finished digging around in my locker for my Spanish book, I turned just in time to see him walking toward Calculus and he quickly diverted his eyes when he saw me looking at him. “The only thing I can do is show everyone how unaffected I am by him.”

“Yes! That’s exactly what I needed to hear from you. I was so not looking forward to being all sympathetic and crap, but I still score friend points with you because I was prepared to do it, right?”

It was a stilly game we had played since grade school. “Of course, you still get your friend points.”

“Are you sure you’re prepared for second period with him?” she asked.

“Absotively,” I said as I smiled. Even if I caved on the inside, no one would know because there wasn’t anyone that could put on a better front than Claire Deveraux.

When I entered Mrs Tanner’s class, I confidently sat in my normal seat next to Jessie because I refused to give him the satisfaction of running me off. I had something to prove and this was the first step toward showing him he didn’t have any control over me.

“Claire, I’m glad to see you back in class,” Mrs. Tanner said. ‘I was worried you were quite ill.”

“It was only temporary, Mrs. Tanner,” I assured her, then I looked at Jessie and added, “It took a few days, but I’m very much over it, now.”

He refused to look up at me as I boldly stared at him and I hoped he felt my eyes tangibly all over him.

We didn’t partner on an assignment today and I was disappointed because I had every intention of beginning my quest to prove I was over what happened between us. I didn’t get the satisfaction of proving anything to him because he ignored me in Mrs. Tanner’s class, then again in third period.

I went to Physics and sat behind him and Gretchen. They didn’t act like a couple, but since they were only sleeping together, I guess that didn’t qualify them as one. Seeing them sitting at their table together reminded me of the things Jessie told me and my mind begin to imagine the things he hadn’t. I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up, sat a little straighter and held my head high as I stared straight ahead praying Mrs. Bishop would start talking soon and hold my interest enough to end to my torment.

* * *

Four Weeks and Many Tears Later

The days seem to run together as I masqueraded though my everyday life. I acted as though Jessie never hurt me-that what happened between us was an insane, momentary lapse in judgement on my part. Although I had almost everyone convinced, I couldn’t win over the one that mattered most-myself.

I had fallen back into my relationship with Forbes because it was so familiar and safe. I hoped he would make me forget about the one that devastatingly broke my heart, but he inadvertently became a constant reminder.

On the outside, I acted as though Jessie Boone never entered my life. The inside was entirely a different story and the harder I worked to forget him, the more impossible it became to stop loving him.