Sometimes I Lie

Hockey was cold and boring. It started to rain halfway through but we carried on playing. The PE teacher said that a little rain never hurt anyone. She looked like she could do with some exercise herself. She said the grass on the hockey pitch was bare in places from over use and under care, so I tried not to run on the bald patches, hoping that would help. I was running for the ball on the wet grass when I slid. I stretched my hands out in front of me to break my fall and let go of my stick. It was only when I stood up afterwards that I saw what had happened. My stick had flown through the air and hit Kelly O’Neil in the face. Her nose was bleeding and everything. It was an accident, so I didn’t feel too bad about it. Nana used to say that there was no such thing as accidents and that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what I think about that. Sometimes stuff happens when you don’t mean it and just because no one believes you, it doesn’t mean that you did it on purpose.

I just heard a plate smash downstairs. I listened on the landing for a while. Dad was yelling that it nearly hit his head. Plates don’t tend to fly through the air by themselves, so I’m guessing Mum threw it at him. They smash plates for fun in a country called Greece. I heard Kelly O’Neil telling people about that in the changing rooms before hockey. She’s been to Greece on holiday. Twice. I’ve never been abroad, but I have been to Brighton. We went there for the weekend once, me, Mum and Dad. I think they were happy then. They’re definitely not happy now. I can’t remember what Dad looks like when he smiles. Mum looks sad all the time and is bigger than she used to be. She’s started wearing leggings with stretchy waistbands instead of her jeans. Maybe that’s why Dad is so angry all the time. I did hear him say that she had let herself go, which means not looking as good as you used to and being unattractive.

I’ve closed my bedroom door but I can still hear them. I’ve got Nana’s doorstop on the bed with me now for company, seeing as it no longer has a job to do. I like the feel of it, heavy brown metal, shaped like a robin. It was one of Nana’s favourite things and now it is one of mine. The best thing about being a bird is that you can always fly away. This one can’t though, he has to stay here, with me, in our room. He can’t fly, or sing, or build a nest of his own somewhere far from here. I bet he would if he could though.

I’m going to have a big think about whether to be friends with Taylor or not. Nana always said it was good to sleep on things, which means if you think about the thing you’re worried about when you go to sleep, then you’ll dream about it and hopefully wake up with the right answer in your head. I tend to forget my dreams as soon as I’ve woken up, they’ve never shown me the answer to anything.

Then

Tuesday, 20th December – Afternoon

I get home early, hoping to talk to Paul but he isn’t here. I expect he’s gone for a walk. He does that a lot, says it helps with the writing when the words won’t come. The words often don’t come lately and I think his world must get awfully quiet. The house is quiet too and I’m not sure what to do. I open the fridge and stare at its contents for far longer than is necessary, there’s barely anything inside. I grab a cold soft drink and sit down at the kitchen table, facing out at the garden. The cloudless sky is bright blue, the grass is green, only the leafless trees and chill in the air give away the fact that this isn’t a summer’s day. It’s a very different scene to the one I stared at last week, home alone one night while Paul was on one of his research trips, convinced that somebody was out there in the darkness, trying to get in. I swear I heard footsteps and the sound of someone attempting to open the back door. Paul thinks I dreamt it. I shake the thought.

The can makes a psst noise when I open it with my fingernail, as though it wants to tell me a secret. I take a sip. It’s so cold it hurts my teeth, but I enjoy the tingling sensation and drink it down. I look back out at the garden and see a robin perched on a fence post. I stare at him while he appears to stare back. It all happens so fast. A mess of feathers in full flight hurtle straight at me with such speed and determination until the glass doors get in the way. The thud of the impact makes me jump and I accidently knock my drink over. The robin’s tiny body falls backwards, almost in slow motion, and lands on the grass. I rush to the patio doors but don’t open them. Instead, I stand and stare at the tiny bird lying on its back, flapping its wings in mock flight, its eyes already closed. I’m not sure how long we are frozen like that, the creature fighting for breath as I involuntarily hold my own, but time eventually catches up with what has happened.

The robin stops moving, its wings lay down by its side.

Its red chest sinks until it is still.

Two tiny legs lower themselves down onto the damp grass.

I feel somehow responsible but I can’t open the door or go outside, I need the safety of the glass barrier between us for now. I crouch down on my knees, lowering my face to get a better look, as though I might see the life leave the bird’s body through its beak. I remember a friend telling me once that robins were the dead revisiting you with a message. I wonder what kind of message this is supposed to be and notice the hairs on my arms standing on end.

The knock on the glass startles me. I look up to see Claire’s face at the window. She doesn’t notice the bird, even though she is only a few steps away from it. I stand to open the door and she steps inside without waiting to be invited, as though she owns the place. She helped us find this house, spotted it online and arranged an early viewing with the estate agent. I went along with it, it’s a nice house, but choosing something and owning it are not the same thing.

‘What are you doing?’ she asks, taking off her coat. She’s perfectly groomed as usual, her clothes crisp and clean despite having two young children, not a hair out of place. I hate the way she always comes round the back of the house to see if I’m at home. Anyone else would ring the doorbell at the front and take a hint if nobody answered, but not Claire. She’s asked for a key a few times now. I always say I’ll get one cut but never do.

‘Nothing, I thought I saw something.’

‘You’re home early.’

‘It’s a bit quieter than normal because of Christmas.’ ‘Paul not here?’ she asks, putting her jacket on the back of a kitchen chair, making herself at home.

‘Doesn’t look like it.’ I regret my choice of words as soon as they are spoken. My tone doesn’t go unnoticed, it never does.

‘Well, I’m glad I caught you on your own,’ she says. I nod. I do feel caught.

‘Do you want a drink of something?’

‘No, I’m OK, can’t stay long, have to pick up the twins,’ she says, sitting down at the table. I take some kitchen towel and mop up the spilt drink before sitting down opposite her, my seat still warm from before. I can’t help staring over her shoulder at the dead bird just outside the door.

‘So?’ I ask, without meaning to sound abrupt. My exchanges with Claire aren’t the same as the conversations I have with other people. It’s like when you turn on the radio and they’re playing the song that you were already humming inside your head. You can’t possibly have known what was coming, but somehow you did. That’s what it’s like with Claire.

‘So . . . I’m worried about you. I thought maybe we should talk,’ she says.

‘I’m fine.’