Sometimes I Lie

‘I’m so sorry, Amber. I’m here now.’

He holds my hand a little too tightly. I am the one who has lost myself, he lost me years ago and now I will not be found. The remaining nurse departs, to give us space or privacy or perhaps just because she can sense the situation is too uncomfortable, that something is not as it should be. I don’t want her to go, I don’t want her to leave me alone with him, but I don’t know why.

‘Can you hear me? Please wake up,’ he says, over and over.

My mind recoils from the sound of his voice. The vice tightens around my skull once more, as though a thousand fingers are pushing at my temples. I can’t remember what happened to me, but I know, with unwavering certainty, that this man, my husband, had something to do with it.

Then

Monday, 19th December 2016 – Afternoon

I was grateful at first, when Matthew said I could take the rest of the day off. The team had already scattered for lunch, which meant I could avoid any questions or fake concern. It’s only now, as I make my way along Oxford Street, like a salmon swimming against a tide of tourists and shoppers, that I realise he did it for himself; no man wants to sit and stare at a woman’s tear-stained face, knowing that he’s responsible.

Despite being a December afternoon, the sky is bright blue, the sun pushing its way through the scattered unborn clouds to create the illusion of a nice day against a backdrop of haze and doubt. I just need to stop and think, so I do. Right in the middle of the crowded street to the annoyance of everyone else.

‘Amber?’

I look up at the smiling face of a tall man standing right in front of me. At first, nothing comes, but then a flicker of recognition, followed by a flood of memories: Edward.

‘Hi, how are you?’ I manage.

‘I’m great. It’s so good to see you.’

He kisses me on the cheek. I shouldn’t care what I look like, but I wrap my arms around myself as though I’m trying to hide. I notice he looks almost exactly the same. He’s hardly aged at all, despite the ten years it must have been since I last saw him. He’s tanned, as though he’s just come back from somewhere hot, flecks of blond in his brown hair, no hint of grey. He looks so healthy, clean, still uncommonly comfortable in his own bronzed skin. His clothes look new, expensive and I expect the suit beneath the long woollen coat is handmade. The world was always too small for him.

‘Are you OK?’ he asks.

I remember that I’ve been crying, I must look awful. ‘Yes. Well, no. Just had a bit of bad news, that’s all.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

I nod while he waits for a conversation I don’t know how to have. All I can seem to remember is how badly I hurt him. I never really explained why I couldn’t see him any more, I just left his flat one morning, ignored his calls and completely cut him off. He was studying in London, we both were. I still lived at home so I stayed at his flat as often as I could, until it was over, then I never went back.

A woman texting as she walks collides into me. She shakes her head as though it is my fault she wasn’t looking where she was going. The jolt shakes some words from their hiding place.

‘Are you in London for Christmas?’ I ask.

‘Yes. I’ve just moved down here actually with my girlfriend, new job in the Big Smoke.’ My sense of relief is soon replaced by something else. But of course he’s moved on. I tell myself I’m happy for him and force my face to reply with a less than enthusiastic smile accompanied by a lacklustre nod.

‘I can see this isn’t a good time,’ he says. ‘But, look, here’s my card. It would be lovely to catch up at some point. I’m meeting someone and I’m late, but it’s great to see you, Amber.’ I take the card and have another attempt at smiling. He touches me on the shoulder and disappears back into the crowd. He couldn’t wait to get away.

I gather all the little pieces of myself together and switch to autopilot. My legs carry me to a small bar just off Oxford Street. I used to come here with Paul when we started dating. We don’t come here any more, I can’t remember the last time we went out. I thought the familiarity of the place would make me feel safe, but it doesn’t. I order a large glass of red wine and manoeuvre my way to the only free table near the open fire. There’s no guard. I move my chair a little further away from it, despite wanting to get warm. I stare at my glass of Malbec, successfully blocking out the seasonal chaos rushing around. I need to persuade a woman who doesn’t like anyone to like me, and if I stare at my drink for long enough, I’m hoping I’ll think of a solution. At the moment, I’ve got nothing.

I take a sip of the wine, just a small one. It’s good. I close my eyes, swallow it down and enjoy the sensation as it coats my throat. I’ve been so foolish. Everything was going well and now I’ve risked it all. I should have tried harder with Madeline, should have stuck to the plan. I can’t lose this job, not yet. There will be a solution, I’m just not convinced that I can come up with it on my own. I need her. I regret the thought and decide I need another drink instead.

When my glass is empty, I order another and pull my phone out of my bag while I wait. I dial Paul’s number. I should have called him straight away, don’t know why I didn’t. He doesn’t answer, so I try again. Nothing, just his voicemail. I don’t leave a message. My second glass of wine arrives and I take a sip, I need it to numb myself but I know I should slow down. I have to maintain a coherent state of mind if I’m going to get things back on track, which I will, because I have to. I should be able to deal with this on my own, but I can’t.

‘I see you’ve started without me,’ says Jo, unwrapping a ridiculously long scarf from around her neck and sliding into the chair opposite. Her smile vanishes when she takes a proper look at my face. ‘What’s wrong? You look like shit.’

‘You don’t know then?’

‘Know what?’

‘I had a chat with Matthew.’

‘That explains your depressive state,’ she says, glancing down at the wine list.

‘I think I’m going to lose my job.’

Jo stares at my face as though looking for something. ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘Madeline has given him an ultimatum. Either I go or she will.’

‘And he’s told you you’re out? Just like that?’

‘Not quite. I have until the New Year to change her mind.’

‘So change her mind.’

‘How?’

‘I don’t know, but they can’t do this to you.’

‘My contract ends in January, so they can just not renew it without there being any mess. I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Plus, I suppose it gives them time to find a suitable replacement over the Christmas break.’ I watch Jo process everything I’ve said and I can see she’s reached the same conclusion I had a couple of hours ago.

‘Drama really follows you like a shadow, doesn’t it?’

‘I’m fucked, aren’t I?’