Endurance (The Sin Trilogy 4)

I would love nothing more than to marry Ellison and have children with her. But a baby can’t happen right now. I need to figure out how I’m going to protect her before I can even consider a family.

“How’d the house hunting go today?”

“Couldn’t have gone better. Found the ideal setup. Five bedrooms with four on the ground floor. Perfect location. Ani says she can have us in soon, maybe by the end of the week.”

“Glad to hear it went well.”

“We could be ready to start converting the bedrooms as soon as Friday if Ani comes through for us. Ellison and I are going to take the next few days to work on gathering medical supplies and equipment.”

“I bet supply gathering won’t be the only thing you work on the next few days.”

Sin has every right to be pissed off at me. I misled him about Adaira’s intentions for entering nursing school so he’d allow Ellison to be my nurse. That alone is grounds for penance. But I also asked her to be my lover. Without Sin’s consent. And without a plan for how this relationship is going to work.

Sin’s actions with Bleu in the beginning weren’t a lot different from mine. They met and he immediately issued an all-hands-off order. He blocked every brother from putting a hand on the American but that wasn’t enough for him. He moved Bleu into his flat and put a stop to her working at Duncan’s Whisky Bar. He wanted her all to himself and ensured no other brother could touch her.

Claiming her in secret although he knew he risked the wrath of Thane and the brotherhood.

Searching for her after she fled.

Suffering endurance to ensure her acceptance.

Marrying her so she’d be protected by The Fellowship decree.

I understand everything he did.

“We both know what I’ve done, and I’m not sorry. I would do it all again—even risk atonement—so we can be together. Even if only for a short time.”

“I should be furious. I would be if you were anyone else. But I’m not because I understand it all. Like you, I once risked everything for my wife.” And all of that risk paid off. Just like I hope this does.

“Every-fucking-thing is against us.”

“You think circumstances were ideal for Bleu and me? Hell, I risked everything to be with her.”

“You risked the wrath of your father and The Fellowship. I risk Ellison’s safety by pursuing a relationship with her. Big difference.”

“You think Bleu’s safety wasn’t in question? Come on, Jamie. She had a fucking hit out on her.”

There’s one enormous variation between Sin and me. “You had the manpower to protect Bleu. I don’t have my pick of brothers to guard Ellison twenty-four/seven. I refuse to leave her safety to chance. I’d give her up before I’d put her in danger.”

“That tells me more than you know about how deeply you already love her.”

“Tell me how I sit back and watch you dangle her in front of our brothers until a taker comes forward to make her his wife.” I want to punch my fist into the wall thinking about it.

“My guess is that there will be no dangling because you’re never going to let it go that far. Trust me. It won’t be possible for you to let Ellison go after you spend the month with her.”

“I assure you that letting her go would never be by choice.”

“Love gives you the drive to figure out how to make things work.”

“I wish the answer would come to me because I don’t know how to let another man have her. I’ve never been so desperate to hold on to something destined to slip through my fingers.”

“Then don’t. Hold on to her.”

“I don’t know how to continue medical school and be there to protect her at the same time. I can’t be in two places at once.”

“Well, you better figure something out soon. She’s my responsibility. What you’re doing with her could destroy her chances for a good match. A good leader and brother-in-law would put a stop to what you’re planning to do with her. I could catch some serious hell for turning my head. But I’m doing it because my wife believes you belong together.”

“I hate putting you in that position. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t confide in you from the beginning. You’ll never know how much I appreciate you turning your head.”

Thank fuck he has. I’d hate to go against my leader if he told me to end my relationship with Ellison.

“I’m not happy you went behind my back but I understand. So do both of us a favor and figure something out. Soon. I don’t want to but I will end it if the need arises.”

“Believe me. I’m trying.”

“You’re an intelligent guy, Jamie. Figure it out.”

Sutures. IV fluids. Medication. Sterile surgical instruments. There must be at least fifty boxes containing medical supplies scattered from one end of the house to the other. “We’ve not discussed the arrangements. Do you want all four ground-floor bedrooms set up as treatment rooms?”

Jamie stops what he’s doing to look at me. “As opposed to?”

“I was thinking we might need one room that could serve as an acute trauma space for more serious injuries. But that all depends on how far you plan to go with your scope of practice.”

Jamie won’t be able to tend every injury that comes through here. Some will be more severe than others. There will be times when he’ll need to send a brother to the hospital for further care.

“How much surgical and anesthesia experience do you have?”

Surgery could be gory but it was always far too controlled to keep me interested. I preferred the chaos of the emergency room. “Not a lot. I occasionally helped out in the OR but only when my supervisor made me. It wasn’t my thing.”

“Could you administer conscious sedation if a brother needed it?”

“I’d need to look up the protocol but I can do it as long as I have everything I need.”

Jamie smiles. “You don’t know what a huge asset that’ll be.”

I like pleasing him. “Good. I want to help you any way I can.”

“We’re going to be a great team.”

“I think so too.” I remove bags of normal saline from the box and stack them on the shelving. “So we’re setting up this room for acute trauma and the other three for minor treatment and recovery rooms?”

“Aye.”

Jamie busies himself with organizing boxes of sutures while I continue shelving IV supplies. “I’m relieved you won’t be in the middle of the fighting.”

He stops and looks at me again. “That’s not the general consensus among our females.”

“What is their general consensus?”

“Fellowship women have pride in a mate who fights.” Mate? My heart speeds when he says that word. Is that how he sees us? As mates?

We sort of are secretive, temporary mates.

“The family of a brother who fights—and kills our enemy—also has great pride in him. That’s one reason my father was so disgusted by my choice to be a physician. I didn’t bring him or my family honor. I was his greatest disappointment.”

Fighting and killing for pride is messed up. “I don’t care what your father said. You could never be a disappointment.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Mac. I’ve killed—more than once—but not because I wanted to. I didn’t take joy in doing it. That didn’t go over well with my dad.” Abram was a sociopath, so I’m not surprised by that.

I’m not sure Jamie’s mother is much better than Abram. How could parents so cruel and selfish as Jamie’s raise such a kind and caring son? “Your family should be proud of you and all of your accomplishments.”

Jamie lowers his head. “I haven’t told anyone but if things remain as they are now, I’ll graduate in the top five percent of my class.”

Why did he lower his head like he’s ashamed or embarrassed? “That is amazing, Doc. Why haven’t you told everyone? That is some serious bragging rights.”

He shrugs. “Who would I tell? No one cares.”

I

drop the IV supplies in my hand so I can go to him; I want him to see my pride in him.

His eyes penetrate mine as I approach. When I reach him, my hands go upward to cradle his face in my palms. “I. Care.”

“Then you’re the only one.” There’s such sadness in his voice. It breaks my heart for him.

It must be terribly disappointing to not be recognized for all your hard work, especially when you’re so successful at it. “You are a brilliant doctor, and I’m incredibly proud of everything you’ve achieved. I bet Westlyn is too.”

Jamie’s sister has become one of my best friends. She is kind and thoughtful like him but I can’t say the same for his other sister, Evanna.

Jamie presses his forehead to mine. It feels like an intimate act between two people who genuinely care for one another. “I enjoy being a doctor. I like helping people instead of hurting them. You get that about me when no one else does.”

I get him when no one else does because we belong together. He doesn’t see it yet but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I go up on my tiptoes and press my lips to his. Tenderness. Warmth. Love. I don’t care that he hasn’t said the words.

I see love in his eyes.

I hear love in his voice.

I feel love in his touch.

It doesn’t matter that I’ve never been in love. I know what we have. This is it. This is real.