Hard Rider

“How old is Maddy?” he asked, his voice quiet as a whisper. I froze in my spot, my eyes darting away from his. I couldn’t look at him.

“Nine,” I whispered.

“Maisey, you’re going to have to talk to me about this…”

I looked away, I looked at the neighbor’s house, my lawn, the Volvo in my driveway, and Jesse’s long and low Jaguar sitting next to it with Grady inside at the wheel…

I looked anywhere but at him.

He knew.

Somehow, he’d figured it out.

And I had no idea how to face him.

“Maisey, look at me.”

I bit my lip, my hands wringing in my lap furiously, until he reached over and grabbed one of them in his huge palm. His touch was hot. Too hot. Too real.

I pulled my hand away and stood up, walking to the other side of the porch, ignoring his questions.

The swing squeaked as he stood up behind me, his footsteps falling loud behind me. His hands clasped my shoulders, pulling me around to face him. He put a finger under my chin, raising my eyes to his.

“Tell me the truth, Maisey,” he said, his voice so loud, so clear, so demanding. “Is Maddy my daughter?”

“Jesse,” I said, my eyes filling with tears as I looked up at him. “I’m so sorry.”

“She’s mine?” he asked.

“Yes, you’re her father,” I said, a huge sense of relief washing over me as I said the words.

“Oh, my God…” he whispered, his eyes searching mine frantically.

The clanging of the screen door behind him startled us both and we jumped. Maddy’s footsteps rang out through the house as she ran up the stairs and into her room. The sound of her door slamming vibrated through me violently. She’d heard everything…

“Maddy!” I yelled, running for the front door.

“Don’t!” Jesse said, grabbing my arms and stopping me. “Give her a minute and we’ll go talk to her, together…”

I collapsed into his arms, my sobs echoing up to the sky above us.

JESSE

“How could you do this?” I asked Maisey, pushing her away. I wasn’t angry, I was just bewildered. I didn’t understand how she could keep this a secret from me all along.

“You said you didn’t want children,” she said, the muffled words sounding as if they were being wrenched from her soul. She was in so much pain, it hurt to look at her. I wanted to take her into my arms, soothe her, comfort her, but I was so confused and fucked-up, I didn’t know which way to move.

“What are you talking about? When did I say that? I love children!” I said.

“Back then. In Ault. Before we even had sex, don’t you remember?”

“No, I don’t. But for fuck’s sake, Maisey, I was eighteen! No eighteen year old wants kids!”

“Jesse, I didn’t want to get in the way of your dreams. You had such big plans. And look at you, you’ve achieved them.”

“You think I wouldn’t have achieved them if we had a kid?”

“No, I don’t. And don’t lie to yourself and tell yourself differently, either. I gave you a gift.”

“A gift?!” I asked, incredulously. “You took away the first ten years I should have had with my daughter!”

“I was eighteen too… I made a mistake Jesse. I made a big stupid mistake and I couldn’t fix it. One day led to another. One year to another. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you… I understand you’re upset,” she said, her eyes darting up the staircase. “But she’s upset. I can’t leave her alone. Please just leave. I’ll call you later.”

“You want me to just leave?!” I couldn’t believe her. “I’m not going anywhere. Go, go check on her. But I’ll be here waiting when you come back down. We have a lot to talk about, Maisey.”

“Fuck,” she shook her head, let out a huge sigh and turned and ran up the stairs.

So it was all true. I couldn’t believe it. I had a daughter. A real, living breathing daughter. And she was right upstairs.

It was all too much to take in, and I felt anger bubbling just under the surface, but I was determined to keep it at bay. Anger wouldn’t help anything in this situation. I had to do my best to keep my cool, to stay calm.

I limped around their living room and picked up a picture on the mantle - Maisey and Maddy were at a carnival with a huge ferris wheel looming in the background. I gasped when I saw Maddy’s face. She was almost dangerously thin, her vulnerability shining in those bright eyes… My eyes.

“Unbelievable,” I whispered. “A daughter. My daughter.”

My heart swelled with a love I’d never felt before. It pushed away all the anger and frustration, leaving nothing but an unfamiliar purity that threatened to burst my heart wide open.

MAISEY

“Maddy?” I whispered outside her door, knocking lightly. I had no idea what I was going to say to her. I had no idea how I was going to explain. My hands were shaking as I turned her doorknob, slowing peeking in.

Empty.

“Maddy? Maddy!” I cried, looking around her room frantically. I ran into her bathroom, but she wasn’t there either. I turned around and spotted the open window, her pink lace curtains blowing in the breeze. “Maddy!” I ran over and looked out the window, but she was nowhere to be seen. I turned back around and saw Jesse standing at her door, his eyes wide as he held a picture of us in his hand.

“She’s gone,” I cried, my voice shaking as I sank to the floor.

Jesse ran over, pulled me to my feet, and peered into my eyes.

“Let’s find her,” he said, pulling me close to his warm body. “She’s just upset. We’ll figure it out.”

“Oh, Jesse…” I cried, tears falling down my face. “I’ve screwed everything up. Everything!”

“Shhh, we’ll fix it. We’ll sort it out. You gotta get a grip on yourself, so we can find her, okay?”

I nodded, staring up at him. I felt so lost, so out of my element that I had no idea what to do. I leaned into him, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Calm down, Maisey! Now, where would she go?”

“I don’t know!”

“C’mon, let’s get in my car. We’ll find her. She can’t be far.”

Jesse dragged me to my feet and we ran downstairs. I grabbed my phone and keys and we rushed out to his car. Grady was waiting behind the wheel as we jumped into the back.

“Did you see which way the girl went, Grady?” Jesse asked. “We gotta find her.”

“I think she ran around the corner there,” Grady said, backing up.

Terror gripped my heart like nothing I’d ever known. It wasn’t just that she’d run away… Maddy couldn’t run.

“Wait!” I said, just as he began to back up. I threw open the door and ran back inside as fast as my legs could carry me. I grabbed Maddy’s inhaler from the kitchen counter and made my way quickly back to the car.

“She’s sick, she needs this,” I said, my

voice shaking with fear. Grady backed up and began driving around the neighborhood as we searched for her.

“She has asthma?” Jesse asked.

“I don’t know. Nobody knows. The doctors are useless. We can talk about this later, we need to find her right now! If she’s upset and running fast, she won’t be able to breathe!” I cried. “We have to find her fast, Jesse.”

“We’ll find her, don’t worry. Just stay calm.”

“Okay, okay….turn left here, maybe she went to the park.” Grady turned and we drove through the neighborhood, through peaceful, calm home fronts that reflected the complete opposite of the turmoil that was churning inside of me.

“Maisey - tell me about her symptoms,” Jesse said.

“What? Why?”

“Just fucking do it, tell me what happens to her,” he insisted.

“It looks like just like asthma, only her attacks are getting worse as she gets older. They hit out of the blue, sometimes they wake her up. She’s been on a dozen different treatments and medications. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. There’s no pattern.”

“Maisey, I know what it is,” he said, his voice low and serious.

“What? What do you mean?” I asked. How could he know? He hadn’t even met Maddy yet.

“My sister, Maisey! Nina!” he yelled. “If Maddy’s my daughter, then she has the same condition as my sister! It effects the females in my family.”

“Oh, my God! Jesse!” I said, my head spinning.

“We’ve got to find her, Maisey. If we can get her to a doctor, we can get her help. It’s her heart, Maisey. There’ve been so many breakthroughs since Nina died! I’ve spent a damn fortune on research and development of treatment and a cure. Everybody thought Nina had asthma too… We didn’t know what was wrong until it was too late, but now there’s help for these kids. There’s help for Maddy.”

“I can’t think about this right now… I just can’t. Turn right here,” I murmured with a huge lump in my throat. We got to the park and I told Grady to pull over so I could jump out. Jesse and I ran around the park calling her name and looking for her. I could see he was in pain as he moved faster than he had any business moving at this point in his therapy, but I wasn’t about to stop him. We had to find her… It was getting dark and it was taking all my strength not to break down completely.