Was I supposed to feel bad about that? I was sure I was. But I didn’t. Every part of me was humming, singing hallelujah. I felt alive in a way I never had before. And lighter, too, like Gunner’s cock had fucked away every ounce of anger and misery and hatred inside of me.
All that darkness, all that black, sickly shit. Gone. Just like that. All because I’d let myself fall into my stepbrother’s arms.
“Where’re you going?” I asked him, and he replied with a heavy sigh.
“Duty calls.”
“You said you were taking a vacation!” I protested.
“I’m meeting with the Detective. I want to see what they’ve come up with… Maybe I can help. We need to find this guy and get him off the streets.”
I could see his silhouette via the moonlight streaming in through the hotel drapes. He looked like one of those Greek statues, all hard, smooth planes cast from the finest marble. His eyes glittered, and I watched them trail over me, half-covered in the sheets. His teeth gleamed like pearls when he smiled.
Damn. That smile.
“Let me hold you before you go,” I said, and with a soft chuckle, Gunner obliged me. He came to my side of the bed wearing only his jeans and I wrapped my arms around him, nuzzling into his Adonis lines.
Gunner smelled like cookies and milk. Like fresh-baked bread and lazy summer days. He smelled like the childhood I’d lost when my mother died. And he smelled like sex, dark and deep, a current of spices and musk and man that made my stomach turn to butterflies.
Gunner smelled like home.
“I’ll be back soon, baby,” he whispered in the dark. I dipped my head just a little lower, using my teeth to pull at his jeans, and he laughed again, so melodic. Like a symphony. “We can do more of this when I get back. Wait for me.”
“Fine,” I sighed, looking up into his eyes. I could’ve gotten lost in them forever. “I’ll wait.”
Gunner slipped a finger beneath my chin and leaned close to me. “I mean it, baby. Wait. I want you aching for me while I’m gone.”
He placed a long, tender kiss on my lips, one that set my heart on fire all over again. I tried to cling to him but easily disengaged, setting my hands in my lap. He smiled.
“If you’re a good girl, I’ll make it worth your while when I get back,” he promised me.
I grunted and threw myself onto the bed, pouting as I watched him go. As he slipped on his shirt and ran his fingers through his hair in the bedroom mirror, my stepbrother never lost that cocky smirk on his face. He met my gaze in the reflection for just a moment, and his smirk softened, became something different.
If I didn’t know my stepbrother better, I’d have said it was a look of longing. Of love.
Then he headed to the door, slinging his jacket over his shoulder like a modern-day James Dean. The swagger in his step wasn’t lost on me. He was basking in the afterglow of our lovemaking just as much as I was.
I buried my face in his pillow and took a big whiff of his scent. Our scent. The fragrance of our sex was all over the bed, woven right into the sheets. No matter how many times the cleaning staff washed them, I knew it was never coming off. I wondered if I could take them home with me like some sort of souvenir, evidence of the way Gunner had fucked me last night. My stepbrother was a god.
Right now, though, he was an absent one.
I sighed and stroked his side of the bed. It was already growing cold, the little hollow he’d slept in slowly rising into form again. I knew he’d be back soon. I trusted him. But there was a part of me that felt like every time he turned away, it would be the last I ever saw of him.
Tucking the sheets between my knees, I let sleep take me then. With the bundle between my thighs and the pillow beneath my head, I could almost fool myself into believing that Gunner was still in bed, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me. The only thing missing was the beating of his heart, that soft lullaby that had put me to sleep the first time around, and the only thing I wanted to hear before bed from now until forever.
I missed him already.
I was going to go crazy sitting here like this. I grabbed my cellphone.
Heya, Chel.
Chelsea didn’t respond right away and I grumbled, sinking into the couch cushions in nothing but a tank top and sweat pants. It was a lazy day for me. I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to, and no one to look nice for. Gunner was working and Chelsea was probably still sleeping. The only thing I could find on TV were daytime soaps, and now that I’d finished the brunch room service had brought up, I was going nuts.
I looked at the clock. How long would Gunner be gone?
My phone buzzed against my hip and I grabbed at it excitedly. Finally, Chel had texted me back.
SWEETS! where r u?????
I started to reply, then realized what a long fucking story this all was. Instead I called, turning down the volume on the Real Housewives of Someplace or Another and eagerly waiting for her to pick up.
When she did, the sound of her squeal about blew my eardrum out.
“Tanya! Where the hell have you been, sweets?!”
“I_._._._” Shit. Now that I had her on the phone, I didn’t know where to start. “Did_._._._did you hear about what happened at my stepbrother’s house?”
“No,” she said more quietly, “they’ve been keepin’ all that pretty hush-hush. I just saw the cops were there and the bomb squad and—oh, God, Tanya. It’s not that creep again, is it?”
I sighed. “Afraid so. Warn the girls, just in case he tries to come back to the club.”
I told her about the painting on the wall. About what the bastard had done to Jax, and how he’d more or less tried to blow me up. I told her about the picture he’d taken from Gunner’s drawer of me as a kid, and we both made gagging noises at the thought of what that psycho was doing with it now.
“Jesus, sweets. He must be one of them real crazies. He’s goin’ all Biblical on you. Are you sure you’re all right there all by yourself?”
“I think so,” I said, warily looking around. “The hotel’s pretty nice, so they’ve got good security. We managed to snag a honeymoon suite. It’s got a great view, plus all the amenities, and_._._._”
And I couldn’t tell her more than that. Not without revealing our secret.
The thought hit me all at once. Gunner and I would never be normal. Even if we got through this little mess, we’d never be able to tell people the truth. We’d always be hiding from something or someone. Either we were siblings, or lovers. The world was pretty clear on the fact that we couldn’t be both.
Yet we were both. Fuck. What a mess. Maybe it was a good thing he’d kept me a secret…
“Ooh, sounds ritzy,” Chel said, sounding none the wiser. “So, when’re you gonna ditch the nice digs and come back to work in this shithole?”
“Never,” I told her. The sound of the word surprised even me. We both took a breath at the exact same time. “I’m_._._._I’m not coming back, Chel. Not to the Domino, and not to any other strip club. Not ever.”
Tears of realization welled in my eyes. I wiped them with the back of my hand, and then laughed a little. “I’m out. I’m done. Really done.”
Chel took a moment to respond. She started to say several things at once, the high, squeaky pitch of her voice coming out in staccato bursts of nonsense. And then she laughed too, even though she sounded sad.
“Good for you, sweets. Good for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “For leaving you—”
“Oh, Tanya,” Chel said, “don’t be stupid. Every girl in that club dreams of gettin’ out. Gettin’ away. Finding something, and someone, better than that fuckin’ death trap. We all dream of lives that aren’t dead ends.
“And you get to live it. How the hell could I not be proud of you?
“Just_._._._” She paused. “Do you think we’ll still be friends? Y’know, after you’re gone? Are we gonna have anything to talk about?”
“Don’t be stupid, Chel,”
I said softly, hoping she could hear the love I had for her in my voice. “Of course we will. You’re still my bestie. It’s not like the only thing we had in common was the pole.”
I could practically hear her rolling her eyes on the other end. “Get some rest, sweets. With everything you’ve been through, you’ve earned it. And don’t go lettin’ in any strangers!”
“Thanks, Mom,” I teased. A pang of regret stole my breath away. Shit, how I wished my mom was here. “I love you.”
“Love you too, sweets,” Chel said. “Be a good girl, huh?” Then she hung up the phone.
I sat back against the couch. I felt so free. So_._._._liberated. Maybe not from my secrets, but knowing I never had to go back to that place—to the Domino, to the Dollhouse, to anywhere that exploited women—it was like someone had lifted a mess of chains off me, ones I hadn’t even realized were there in the first place.
I ran my fingers through my hair, only to have them snag on a knot. I frowned. I needed a shower.
Thankfully, from the glimpse I’d gotten of it last night, I knew our hotel had a pretty big one.