He rode up the elevator with me and I couldn’t help but remember riding it with Bear.
Images of the past swam through my head. The excitement I’d felt when he’d first shown me the apartment that first day. The day we’d come back from the airport together, the ring heavy on my finger, my heart bursting with joy from the fact that I was going to be his wife.
I wonder how long I’ll drown in these memories, I thought. I looked over at Levi, grateful for his friendship. At least I wasn’t completely alone.
“Thanks for walking me home,” I said. “This is my floor. Come on in and let me clean up your shoes.”
“That’s what friends are for,” he said, smiling. Levi was so sweet, so kind, so gentle, so undemanding and all he wanted to do was help me. He’d not asked for a thing in return and I was incredibly grateful for that. I wasn’t sure I had anything left to give.
I cleaned his shoes while he took in the view and afterwards, after a quick hug and a promise to keep in touch, he was gone.
I wondered why Bear didn’t like him again, because he seemed like such a great guy. Maybe they were too different. Maybe they never got over the competition thing with Zoe.
Whatever it was, I guess it didn’t matter anymore.
My life would be different now. I wasn’t sure where it was going, or how things would work out, but that was the joy of it all, I guess. At least that’s what they say, right?
They also say you should follow your heart, but which way do you go when your heart is broken into a million pieces?
Chapter 25
The doorbell rang and my heart jumped into my chest.
It has to be Bear! I thought.
Levi had been gone over half an hour and I’d been lying as still as possible on my sofa, drinking tea and eating crackers, like a sick toddler.
I felt like a complete fool and I hoped like hell he wasn’t coming back.
I couldn’t face him again after puking on his shoes. He’d been a complete gentleman about it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he never called me again, either. Violently covering one’s shoes in an expensive dinner they’d just paid for wasn’t the best way to get a job or keep a friend.
I walked to the door full of hopeful trepidation, my heart pounding, my head spinning about what to say to Bear after all this time. I vowed not to fling myself into his arms and let him talk first.
I smoothed my hair and took a gulp of water before flinging opening the door.
“Oh!” I said, my heart sinking. “What are you doing here? Go away, Harlan!”
Harlan shoved his hand in the door as I tried to close it, forcing it open and walking inside.
“Harlan, what the fuck are you doing? Get out!” I said.
He walked all the way in, heading straight for the sofa and sitting down.
I closed the door and walked over to him.
“What do you want?” I asked. He sat hunched over, his head in his hands. Slowly, he looked up at me.
“You, Chloe, I want you,” he said, his face crumpled in pain.
“Harlan, give me a break,” I said, rolling my eyes. “How long has it been? It’s over. You’ve got to get over it.”
“I know it’s all my fault, Chloe,” he said, “but I can change, I can.”
“Harlan, I don’t care if you change. I don’t want to be with you. You need to just leave me alone and go on with your life. For fuck’s sake, I can’t believe you’re here again!”
“That’s because you’ve never loved anyone, Chloe. Not the way I love you. That’s why you can’t understand,” he said, standing up and walking over to me. Harlan was tall and he knew how to use his height to intimidate people. He used to do it to me all the time.
But not anymore.
“Leave.”
“Chloe, just listen to me.”
“I don’t want to listen to you,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Chloe, I can change, I can. I can’t give you everything that rich prick Dalton can give you but I can give you love.” His eyes were wild and searching and I turned away from him. I couldn’t bear to see the pain there. To know that I’d caused it somehow.
But no! I didn’t cause it. He did. By hitting me.
“Get out!” I turned back to him, pointing at the door. “Now!”
He started crying and I shook my head. That was exactly what he’d done after he’d slapped me in my apartment in Portland. I wasn’t afraid of him. I didn’t feel sorry for him. I didn’t feel anything for him.
“Just go,” I said. “You can’t fix this.”
My words stung. He blinked, squaring his shoulders and shaking his head.
“No,” he said, wiping his tears, “I loved you, Chloe. My love isn’t broken.”
“For fuck’s sake, Harlan, don’t make me call the cops,” I said, my mind frantically trying to remember where I’d left my phone. I turned my head to look around the apartment for it.
I moved towards the door and grabbed my purse, rummaging through it and finding my phone. I turned back to face Harlan but he was gone. I spun around and saw he was out on the balcony and beginning to pull himself over the railing.
“Harlan!” I screamed, running towards him. “No!”
My stomach lurched, my heart jumping into my chest as fear gripped me. I grabbed him before he could get over the railing, pulling on his arm as hard as I could. He landed hard on the floor.
“Fuck, Harlan!” I screamed. “This is ridiculous!” I reached down, grabbing his arm again and pulling him back inside the apartment, using all my strength to support him.
“Chloe, I love you,” he cried, his voice a pathetic whimper as he leaned into me. I pushed him towards the front door as anger rushed through my veins. I was so weak and so tired and so sick, I had no energy or time for his bullshit.
“Harlan,” I began, my voice low and angry, even as I felt all the energy drain from my limbs. “What we had is over. There’s no need for this kind of drama. I’m in love with someone else, and I need you to accept that. Please.”
His eyes widened and he straightened to his full height.
“I can’t let you be with anyone else, Chloe,” he said.
“I’m not with him!” I shouted, the reality of my situation becoming clear.
It was just me now. Bear wasn’t here to take control. Bear wasn’t here to make everything all right. Bear wasn’t here to save me. He wasn’t hear to charm everyone and make everything okay.
I was all alone.
“What are you trying to say?” Harlan asked.
My head spun.
“I’m not with you, I’m not with him, I’m not with anyone!”
Suddenly, everything I’d lost flashed in front of me—Bear’s stormy ocean eyes, his movie star smile, his warm, strong arms, his laughter, his huge, loving heart…I’d held it all in the palm of my hand and now in a flash—it was all gone.
Bear was gone. No matter what, I was on my own this time.
Being alone was the last thing I wanted. It sounded like a death sentence all on its own. My life without Bear had been dull and colorless. His touch had brought me to life. Without it, my existence would be empty. What was the point? The point of going back to the bland person I used to be? How would I ever be happy again?
“Are you okay?” Harlan asked with concern in his voice.
My stomach quivered as small beads of sweat popped up on my forehead. The pieces of my heart that were left dissolved into nothingness, leaving a huge empty wound bleeding pain into every corner of my tortured soul.
I tried to look back up at Harlan, but my head spun and I found myself falling to the floor at his feet, the pain was mercifully disappearing as I floated away into delicious, blissful blackness.
Chapter 26
The darkness was like water. Floating around me, I drifted through it, letting it slide through my fingers like locks of hair, burrowing into it as it surrounded me with its velvety warmth. Soft, smooth, sensuous like a lover?
?s caress, it enveloped me.
It loved me.
It knew me.
It saw me.
And still, it surrounded me. Embracing my flaws, accepting the cracks and licking at the wounds tenderly.
It mothered me.
I sank into its comfort, let it sink in.
I wanted to swim there forever, but there was this light.
In the distance.
A speckle…a crack in my delicious armor and I was doing everything I could to pretend didn’t exist.
The darkness was like the sweetest candy.
Pure. Untouched by pain.
The darkness was my home now and I wanted to make it my home forever.
But something else was calling me, too—a young voice, a little girl. I swam towards her angelic song, searching for her in the darkness. But there was so much water.
Too much to get through. It went on forever, shielding me from the pain of the light above. I turned away, avoiding the crack, rejecting the pain of its beautiful flickering flame.
Other voices threatened to break through, too, but I pushed them away, burrowing deeper in the softness, burrowing deeper in the dark, swimming my way back home.
I needed this, the darkness, the reprieve…
The release.
The little girl sang again, a whisper in the darkness that pierced through the pain.
Chapter 27
The harsh smell of antiseptics woke me up.
My eyes fluttered open and I smiled at my Mom’s worried face.
“Hey you,” she whispered, squeezing my hand, smiling. “You gave us quite a scare there.”