Transcendence

If I hurt her, wouldn’t she be angry?

Grabbing my penis in my hand, I point to the blood on it. Beh sighs as she moves her head back and forth. She takes my hand and brings me over to the fire and the large pot she keeps near it. She dips one of the squares she made from her leggings into the water and uses it to clean both of us off. Her own calm demeanor seeps into me, and as she touches me, I feel my muscles surrender to her peace.

There really isn’t very much blood on me—just the one, small streak. I watch Beh clean herself and see there is a little bit more, but nothing significant, and Beh seems just fine when I examine her again to be sure. She doesn’t appear to be in pain or even discomfort. She smiles and touches my arm softly as she finishes washing and brings me back to our bed. She picks up the fur we were lying on and tosses it into the pile with the one I spilled semen on earlier.

Beh must not like the idea of sleeping on the furs when they get wet like that, and I wonder why. She does like to have everything a certain way, that is for sure, and I assume this is just one more thing she wants to keep clean.

She continues to make sounds as she plumps up the remaining furs and sits back down in the center of them. I crawl over her to lie down, and she lays her head on my shoulder and wraps her arm around my waist. After drawing a clean fur over the top of us, I hold her close to me and watch the entrance to the cave to make sure my mate is safe.

Beh quickly slips into slumber, but I do not. Though physically drained, my mind cannot seem to relax enough to doze off. I think about Beh and babies and if there will be enough food for three of us in the winter. I wonder when Beh will give birth to a baby if one just started growing inside of her.

I end up spending much of the night just watching my mate sleep.

My mate.

There are no more questions in my mind; she really is my mate now.

When I look down at her, I wonder if there is a baby growing inside of her belly and if it will look like me, and I feel myself smile at the idea. I know I will have to do better—try harder—if I am to properly care for her and her children, but I don’t mind the idea at all.

I also know that sometimes you have to try to put a baby in your mate many times before one starts to grow. I’m not sure how many times, but I intend to try to put a baby in her as often as possible until I am positive there is one growing inside of her. Besides, it feels so good to put a baby in her. Just thinking about it makes me want to do it again, but Beh is asleep and I don’t want to wake her up. I will definitely try to put a baby in her again in the morning.

I take a long, deep breath and lean my head back into the furs. As my eyes close, I wonder if I can put more than one baby at a time in her, or if she has a baby inside of her already, if I can put another one there. I think one at a time is probably enough since we don’t have a tribe to help us with the baby. I think about the other mated couples in my tribe and remember clearly how they would come together even when the woman's belly was full of a child. I don’t remember a time when two babies were born at once.

I feel Beh’s steady breathing as she shifts a little in her sleep and mumbles some quiet sounds. They resemble the sound she made earlier, but most of her noises sound pretty similar. Only the kiss and no sound are different enough to notice. Most of the noises she makes just hurt my head, but I don’t mind so much. She’s my mate, she’s unusual, and she is mine.

Finally, after reliving each moment of mating with Beh, I fall asleep with my mate in my arms.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Lying on my stomach, I peek out from under my lashes and watch my mate as she pokes around at the dishes near the fire. She adds some of the grains we’ve collected along with ground nuts and antelope meat. Once all the ingredients are to her liking, she stirs it with one of the flat rib bones of the antelope.

I’m still smiling.

I haven’t stopped since last night.

Well, and early this morning.

As soon as Beh’s eyes fluttered open, I rolled her over and found my way inside of her again. She had winced a little when I first entered her. Still concerned I had hurt her the first time, I pulled back out immediately and tried to find out what was wrong. Beh used our hands to show me what I had forgotten.

Using her fingers to guide mine, Beh rubbed at her sensitive spot and opening again, and I noticed she was not as wet and slippery as she had been the night before. My thumb rubbed at the spot above her folds while my fingers prepared her opening for me. When I felt her get wet inside, I replaced my fingers with the head of my penis at first, and then the rest of it followed gently. She had felt so good that I filled her with semen quickly. Then she took my hand and held it against her. She bucked her hips against it as she moaned and cried out for me again.

I really, really like it when she makes that sound—the one where she growls out my name-sound and hums at me. From now on, I will make sure she makes that noise before I put a baby in her. When I put my penis inside of her, it feels too good to slow down. Besides, once I finish, I’m really tired, and all I want to do is lie down. If I make sure she feels good first, then she might let me sleep afterwards.

Although I know there are many things we should both do today to continue to prepare for winter, I’m finding it hard not to watch her move around the cave. It has been so long since there was someone else with me, and just seeing movement in my cave still seems strange. When I had a tribe, there was always movement around. During the time I was alone, seeing something move was more likely a cause for concern than not. It’s strange to adjust to seeing something move out of the corner of my eye without worrying what it might be.

Twisting my hips from side to side, I knock the fur away from my lower half, and I push myself onto my hand and knees. I jump up from the furs, yawn, stretch, and scratch my stomach. With light steps, I move over to the fire and capture Beh in my arms. I run my nose along her neck and then place my lips over the top of hers. Beh squeals and laughs as my fingers tickle up her sides but then pushes me away as I try to stick my fingers into whatever she is cooking.

I only want a taste.

I wait patiently until breakfast is cooked, and after we eat, Beh gathers up the bedding furs in a pile, along with the extra wrap I cut for her from the boar’s hide, and stacks it all by the cave entrance. She slings the carrying basket over her shoulder and wraps her feet up with the funny foot coverings. Realizing she is ready to work for the day, I grab my spear in hopes of finding a large animal that is maybe docile or hurt enough for me to kill it. I should dig another pit trap, but I think gathering the easier foods might be better for my mate in the long run than spending days trying to catch a large animal.

We could use the extra fur, but we also have enough to get by for the winter. Some of it will need to be replaced by spring or at least moved to the bottom of the pile in the sleeping area. Between the foods we have already gathered, the boar and antelope meat as well as the fish, we should have enough dried meat for the winter. I’ll just have to supplement it with some rabbits during the colder months.

While I fish at the lake, Beh washes the furs in the cold water. As I wait patiently for a fish to come close enough for me to spear it, I remember last night. I think about what it felt like to join with my mate. When I glance over at Beh, I see her kneeling by the edge of the water.

My mouth goes a little dry, and my penis immediately stands at attention. My spear and the fish forgotten, I am drawn to my mate. I loosen and remove my wrap as I near her, allowing it to fall to the ground as I keep going. Beh hears my approach and glances over her shoulder, and her smile quickly changes to wide, staring eyes that focus below my waist.

She makes some noises, but I do not hesitate. I drop to my knees behind her and pull her furs to the side. The little pink scrap of fabric is thankfully absent, and I barely register the same color out of the corner of my eye in a pile of things Beh has been washing, lying off to the side.

Trying to ignore the throbbing desire between my own legs, I remember my lesson from this morning and find her opening with my fingers first. I rub the spot she likes so much until she is gasping for breath, and I can feel moisture on my fingers. I slide one inside of her, move it in and out, and then add another. When she feels ready, I take my penis in my hand and position myself.

I hear Beh’s gasp as I push slowly inside of her for the second time today. She rocks back as I enter her, easing my journey deep inside. I close my eyes, and I can feel the velvety texture of her channel as it covers me and engulfs me. I hold her hips firmly as I begin to move in and out, trying not to give into the desire to move rapidly. Moving too fast is bound to make me fill her quickly, and I want this to last a little while.

I remember my promise to myself from this morning, and I lean over her with my chest to her back, reach around and find the swollen little nub right above where I’ve entered her. Beh cries out as soon as I run my finger over it, and I feel her internal muscles clench down around my penis.

I am not expecting that.

“Hoh! Hoh!” I cry out as my hips rebel against my thoughts and thrust harder into her. A moment later, I empty myself deep inside her body.

With my forehead resting between her shoulder blades, I move slowly with shallow motions as I keep touching her spot. With my semen lubricating her inside, it is not difficult to keep thrusting inside of her, even though my penis isn’t very stiff anymore. Beh groans as she reaches back to grab the wrist of the hand that still grasps her hip. She pulls it up to her chest and pushes it firmly against her covered breast.

I’m not sure what she wants me to do, so I grip and rub her breast with the same rhythm as my fingers near her entrance. I soon feel her nipple harden through the leather and try to pull at it. Beh’s hand covers mine between her legs, and she pushes firmly against it as she pants my name-sound a few times before she hums and gasps.

Her legs shake as she cries out once more, and I release her breast so I can wrap my arm around her waist and keep her from falling to the ground. I want to do the same myself, really, but the rough sand near the lake isn’t the most comfortable place for a nap. Besides, even though I have slept in the open in the past, I have Beh to protect now. No mate of mine will ever sleep outside of our cave. It isn’t safe.

I help her stand on shaky legs and hold her tightly against me as she rests her head on my shoulder. My hands run over her back as her breathing slows. Once she has relaxed again, I help her gather up the wet furs, pick up my spear, and we head back to our cave.

As we walk across the field, still gathering the grains from the tall grasses and adding them to Beh’s shoulder basket as we go, I notice Beh seems to not be walking quite right. She is walking slower than she normally does, and looks like she is in pain as she takes a step.

I stop her in the middle of the field and look into her eyes. She is not crying and doesn’t appear upset at all. I drop the furs I am carrying and kneel down in front of her to pick up each of her feet. I can’t tell if they are injured or not with the foot coverings over them, but I poke at them anyway and watch for her reaction. She does not cry out or act as though she is in pain, though she puts her hands on her hips and starts making a lot of mouth sounds at me.

Her feet do not appear to bother her, so I move up her legs—examining them closely, but I find no injury. As I reach their apex, Beh’s noises become a little louder and she pushes my hand away. I look up to her eyes, and her head moves from side to side.

“No,” she says.

I quickly move away.

Beh sighs and takes a step forward, holding out her hand. Tentative, I place mine in hers, and she pulls me close to her. With the side of her face placed against my chest, she makes soft sounds and hugs me against her. I don’t understand but decide to watch her closely as I follow her back to the cave. I hang the furs outside so the wind will blow them dry and then fill one of Beh’s cups with water so she has something to drink.

I’m still worried about her.

Beh tries to add some wood to the fire, but I take it away from her and push her back a little. I point to the grass mat and have her sit on it while I prepare food for her.

I make sure she rests for the remainder of the day. That night, I want to put a baby in her again, but Beh pushes my hands away from her. At first I think she is angry, and I try to figure out what I did to upset her, but she runs her hands over my beard and lets me hold her as she falls asleep.

She must not be too upset with me, but I am still confused.

And hard.

I consider using my hand to make my penis feel better, but I remember how Beh wanted the furs cleaned off when I spilled on them before, and I don’t want to upset her either with messy furs or by waking her up. So I just close my eyes and try not to inhale through my nose because she smells so good. Eventually, I fall asleep beside her.

The next day, Beh’s bleeding time starts. I’m pretty sure that means there isn’t a baby inside of her yet, since I remember women in my tribe didn’t have their bleeding times when their stomachs got bigger with a baby. I’m disappointed and want to try again, but Beh won’t let me. As soon as I remove my furs and approach her, she pushes me back and uses her no sound.

She doesn’t let me mate her at night when we go to bed either.

Or the next day.

In fact, she doesn’t let me try to put a baby in her again until her bleeding stops several days later. By then, I feel so tense, I only manage to thrust inside of her a few times before my seed empties into her.

I’m glad I made sure she felt good beforehand. As soon as I’m done, I fall asleep.

Beh is in good spirits the next day, and she tugs at my hand when we approach the lake. I try to stay away from the water’s edge because I have a sinking feeling she is not just planning on bathing herself, and the day is definitely a cold one. All I really want to do is take Beh back to the cave and try putting a baby in her again—I want to make it last longer this time—but she is intent on making a whole lot of noise with her mouth and washing every piece of clothing and fur she has touched in the last few days. When she is done with that, she lays the pieces out to dry and pulls my wrap from my shoulders.