Transcendence

I look at Beh as she looks closely at everything we pass, and I am glad I have a woman to collect food for me again. Maybe this winter I won’t be so hungry all of the time. I will bring her meat and protect her, and she can do the other things we need, like gathering food and cooking. She can also use woven reeds to make the same kind of dishes my mother always made. I’ve tried, but I can’t seem to make them tight enough, and they always leak.

I’m sure my mate will be able to do it though.

I squeeze her hand gently as we head up the slight incline, through the rushes, and down the hill on the other side. The lake comes into view as we come around a clump of trees, and I can tell by my mate’s expression she is surprised.

It’s a large lake with lots of different fish. A stream to the north feeds it, and I have found trout swimming near its large rocks. The shoreline is covered in round stones that lead to the rushes near the woods.

Releasing her hand, I walk to the water’s edge where I can stand on the rocks and wait for fish to come close enough to catch. Sometimes I have stabbed them with a spear, but it’s not too hard to catch them with my hand once I figured out how. There is a small group of fish near the bank, and it is not long before I have caught one.

I turn and hold it up for my mate, and I feel my heart begin to pound faster in my chest as she breaks out in the first, genuine smile I have seen from her. I have no choice but to return the grin because I have finally, finally done something right, and her expression confirms it. Though it has taken me most of the day to find some way to impress her, the look on her face is definitely worth whatever effort it takes in the future to see that smile as often as possible.

She is so, so beautiful to me, and I know now that Beh will be happy with me.

I catch two more fish for my mate and lay them out on the rocks for us to take back to the cave. The sun is warm in the sky, and the light sparkles on the water as I head to the edge to wash off. I still have blood on me from killing the antelope, and I don’t like the smell.

I remove the leather straps around my shoulders that hold my two water skins and lay them on top of a rock along with the fur covering around my shoulders. I remove the fur wrap from my waist as well, leaving it on top of everything to keep it dry.

Beh makes a strange sound, and when I look over at her, she has turned around to face away from me. I look off into the distance to see if there is something out there that has alarmed her, but I see nothing. I move a little closer to her, but she won’t turn around. Even as I move around her, she keeps spinning away from me. She doesn’t seem upset but simply won’t look at me.

I don’t understand her.

I dip my hands in the water. The sun hasn’t yet warmed the water much this early in the spring, and it’s very cold. I don’t like the cold, so I only use a bit of water to wipe some of the blood off of my arms before I shake them to remove drops of water.

Glancing at Beh, I see she is still sitting on the rocks and not looking at me. She has the end of her tunic wrapped around one of her fingers, and she seems to be using it to rub her teeth though I don’t know why she would do that.

“Beh!”

She glances at me, pulls her clothing back to her middle, and quickly ducks her head and looks away again as I walk away from the lake toward her. As I get close, she looks over to me with wide eyes, gasps, and then quickly ducks her head into her hands. I come up behind her and reach out to touch her shoulder.

She jumps up off the rock and takes a few steps forward, her hands still over her eyes. I don’t understand what she is doing at all. Why is she hiding her face and eyes? I look around again, wondering if there is something frightening or dangerous that I had not noticed, but there is nothing there.

I do see her arm and hands also have blood on them from where she fell in the trap. She probably wants to get it off of her before it starts to smell too bad. Deciding there is no way I’m going to figure out what is wrong with her now, I grab onto her arm and pull her toward the water line. She comes with me though her hands stay over her face, which causes her to trip over her strange foot coverings again. Tired of the things harming her, I crouch down in front of her and try to figure out how to get them off.

There are little ties laced through them, and when I examine the knot, I realize it isn’t a complicated one and determine how to untie it fairly quickly. Whatever the ties are made of, they are much easier to unknot than leather or sinew. Beh starts making sounds again, but I don’t pay any attention until I hear my name-sound.

“Ehd!”

I look up at her and see she has at least uncovered her face and is looking down at me. She takes a step back, making more sounds with her mouth as she does. I glance up at the sky, knowing it is starting to get late, and we will need to leave the lake soon. Whatever is wrong with her, we don’t have time for it. As her mate, I must take care of her, which includes making sure the blood is off her skin. I also need to keep her warm, so I have to get the strange clothing off of her so it will stay dry. Next time we come to the lake, we will bring extra clothing so we can wash the ones we’re wearing.

I examine the unusual clothes on my mate, trying to find the ties that hold them together, but I can’t determine how to take them off. The leggings have strange loops all around her waist, but I don’t think they will help get the clothing off of her. The loops would be useful if she tied carrying pouches to them, and I wonder if that is their purpose. There is also a round bit in the center near her stomach right above where the odd cloth folds over itself, but I don’t know what to make of it. When I press my finger against it, it’s cold and hard like a stone but doesn’t feel like any stones I have encountered before.

Beh pushes my hand away, so I look to the other garment around the top half of her body.

The tunic seems to be all one piece and not even wrapped around her with a tie at all. While Beh makes more noise, I walk slowly around her and try to understand how to get it off. I finally decide it just has to go up and over her head, which I do not like at all. To remove it or put it on, her eyes would be covered, leaving her blind for a second. That is definitely not safe for my mate.

She will have to use some of the furs in the cave to make herself some proper clothing.

I reach out and wrap my fingers around the edge of the tunic at her waist. Beh makes another sound and pushes my hand away. I wait for her to remove it herself, but when she doesn’t, I grab at it again, and again she pushes my hand away and makes a lot more noise. I growl at her and grab the material tighter as I try to pull it up over her torso.

Now she is really yelling and not only pushes me away but takes a few steps backwards and shakes her finger at me. More sounds come from her mouth, and there is no doubt she is angry, but I am becoming angry as well. One thing I notice with her sounds now is the inclusion of my name-sound amongst the noise. I reach out, growling, and grab at her arm, pulling her toward me. She shrieks and hits me in the chest.

I try to grab onto her arms, but she is very, very wiggly! I only want to take care of her, help her clean off the blood from the antelope, and show her I can be a good mate for her, but she won’t let me!

I growl again and manage to catch her wrists in my hands. I hold them down at her sides until she stops struggling and glares at me. Her chest rises and falls as she slowly relaxes her muscles. When she eventually seems to calm down, I release her and start to pull at her strange clothing again, but she yells at me.

“Ehd, NO!” Beh raises her hand and smacks me on the nose.

I step back in shock.

Finally, after a moment’s hesitation, I realize how wrong I have been about her.

CHAPTER FOUR

My nose hurts.

I blink my eyes a few times while I try to figure out what just happened. One minute I was going to help my mate into the lake to get clean, and the next thing I know, she’s yelling and…and…

Did she just…just…hit me?

In the nose?

A hundred different thoughts and emotions go through my head all at once. At first, I am angry, and I want to lash out at her—even hit her back. Then I remember that she is my mate, and I am supposed to protect her. How could I keep her safe if I hit her? I am much bigger than she, and I could hurt her if I struck out at her in anger. She will also be afraid of me if I hurt her, and I don’t want that. Then I become frustrated because I have no idea why she would hit my nose when I am only trying to take care of her.

Slowly, I begin to comprehend, and pain rips through my chest.

I think back to her reaction the first time I touched her shining hair, the way she did not want to take meat from my hand, and how she cried when I brought her to my furs. I remember how she didn’t want to relieve herself near my cave or come with me to the lake. Once we got here, she didn’t even want to look at me.

She doesn’t like me.

I thought when she gave me her name-sound that she would take me as her mate, but she hit me on the nose, so I must have been wrong. She does not want me—not at all.

Beh doesn’t want me for a mate.

I take a short step back, and my eyes drop to the stony shore of the lake. It feels like my entire body is trying to melt right into the rocks below my feet. Closing my eyes for a moment, I recall the first few hours after I realized my tribe was gone, and I was the only survivor. After searching for more people almost an entire cycle of seasons, I remember finding the cave I live in now and resigned myself to being alone.

I will still be alone.

I’m not prepared to give her what she needs, and she does not want to share my cave. I don’t have enough to offer her, and she hit me in the nose to let me know she does not find me acceptable.

“Ehd?”

I take a quick step back, realizing I have just been standing there staring at the ground for a long time. I glance up into Beh’s face for a moment, but knowing now that she doesn’t want me, I don’t want to look at her and see how beautiful she is. I don’t want to see what I can’t have.

My eyes land on the fish I caught earlier, and there is an ache in the center of my chest. For a moment, I want to hurl them out to the center of the lake out of spite, but I don’t seriously consider wasting food. I caught them for Beh, and they are still hers.

I walk slowly over to where the fish are drying out on a rock near my clothes. I grab the first of my fur wraps and tie it around my waist. I had intended to tie the fish to the leather strap that holds my water skins to carry them back to the cave, but now I don’t think that is going to happen. Instead, I take my outer fur and place the fish in the center of it, wrapping the edges around so they don’t fall out. I stand up and walk back to her, drop down to the ground in front of her, and hold out the wrapped fish.

At least she will have something to eat tonight.

“Ehd-”

I don’t look up even though I recognize my name-sound in the sounds she is making. I wish she would let me take care of her, but I also understand. Why would she want me as a mate? I have nothing to offer her, not even a decent mat to sit on in the cave.

If I had known, if I had realized she was coming, I would have done it all differently. As it is, I would do anything for another chance to win her. I wish there were something as simple as another male to fight for her. At least then I would know exactly why I lost.

She takes a step forward, and I close my eyes to wait for her to take the wrapped fish from my hands. I don’t want to watch her turn and walk away from me. Maybe I had been wrong all this time, and she has a tribe nearby. Maybe she had just wandered a little too far and fallen into my trap. I don’t know, and though the idea of a tribe of people close to me would have thrilled me a few days ago, now the thought turns my stomach. If she is from a tribe close to me, she probably already has a mate. I would not want to be somewhere where I had to watch Beh be with another mate.

I feel the fur-wrapped fish leave my hands, and a little noise escapes my throat. I will not open my eyes though—I refuse to watch her go away. I hold my breath and wait for her footsteps to be out of my range of hearing, but I hear no steps at all.

There is a soft, light touch of fingertips on the edge of my jaw.

“Ehd,” she whispers. Her finger trails over the tip of my nose, and my entire body shudders as I finally look at her. She makes more soft sounds as she crouches down in front of me and balances on the balls of her feet. I still feel like I’m melting, but this time I am melting into her—into her face, her eyes, her touch. We look at each other in silence for a moment before she huffs out a long breath. Her fingers run over my cheek and across my jaw again, and more soft noises come from her mouth.

I still don’t like the noise too much, but at least the sounds aren’t loud. I am more confused now than I was before though. Why isn’t she leaving? She obviously doesn’t want me, so why hasn’t she left? She must have other people nearby because it would be too dangerous for her to be alone.

Alone.

I whimper as she makes more sounds, and she keeps touching my face. I don’t ever want her to stop. The feel of her fingers moving through the short hairs of my beard is indescribable but also makes me wonder: Does she think I am not old enough to be her mate? My beard is not thick like an older man’s would be.

Her thumb runs over my nose again, and her lower lip disappears behind her teeth. She utters more quiet sounds, and my name-sound is among them again. Her eyes are as soft as the sounds she makes, and I start to doubt.

I doubt everything. Everything I have thought since I first laid eyes on her at the bottom of the pit I dug to hunt antelope is uncertain now, and I have to try to figure it out.

Did she not mean it when she hit my nose?

Will she still be my mate?

Do I not have to be alone?

“Beh?”