The Midwife's Son

Jess felt a similar sense of wonder. This was always a wonderful sight, mum bonding with baby. Memories of Nicholas tugged at her heart again. I’d love to do it all over again. Have a brother or sister for Nicholas. And where on earth had that idea come from?

Jackson. Of course. Loving him had sparked all sorts of weird ideas. Ideas she wouldn’t follow through on. Nicholas needed all her attention. It wouldn’t be fair to expect him to share her with Jackson. What about that baby you suddenly want? Can you spread your love between two children without depriving one or the other? Surely that would be different? A mother’s love was very different from the love she felt for Jackson.

Besides, it was one thing to find herself a solo mother of one, but of two? That would be plain irresponsible. Jackson wouldn’t be staying, baby or no baby. That was unfair. He was a very responsible man. But she wouldn’t be wanting a loveless—make that one-sided—relationship.

Anna’s question cut through her turmoil. ‘How will I know when he’s hungry?’

Jess dragged up a smile. ‘Believe me, he’ll let you know. His lungs are in good working order.’

Danny grinned. ‘Just like his dad.’

‘I feel so much happier now that I’ve tried feeding him. It isn’t the nightmare I’d thought it might be.’ Anna gazed adoringly at the baby. ‘He’s looking sleepy.’

‘Carefully take him off your breast. You need to wind him now. Place him on your shoulder and rub his back gently. That’s it. You’re a natural at this.’

‘Who’d have believed it, huh? It’s not like my day job as a gardener gave me any clues.’

‘I’m going to leave you two to get to know your son. What are you naming him, by the way?’

‘Antony.’

‘Michael.’

Jess grinned. ‘Right, you definitely need to sort that out. Call the nurse if you have any problems with anything, otherwise I’ll be in to see you later.’

She went to find Sheryl and hand over her patient. ‘I’m off. I doubt you’ll be needing me, though I’ll drop by later. That baby might’ve been two weeks late but the birth was straightforward and Anna’s already managing feeding.’

Sheryl waved her out the door. ‘Go and enjoy the weekend. It’s a stunner of a day.’

It certainly was. Summer had turned on its absolute best for the weekend, which had brought people in droves from Nelson and other towns to their beach houses. At home Jess stood on her deck with a glass of icy water and looked around. Bright blue skies—the colour of love—sparkled above and not a whisper of wind stirred the leaves on the trees in the neighbour’s yard. The sparrows and finches were singing while the tuis were squabbling over the last few yellow flowers of a kowhai tree.

‘Mummy, can I go swimming at the beach?’

‘After lunch has settled in your tummy I’ll take you down to Pohara.’ She’d picked him up from Bobby’s on the way home. Studying him now, that feeling of awe that had struck her as she’d watched Anna and her baby bonding returned in full force.

Was Nicholas missing out because he didn’t have a sibling? When she’d been young she’d pestered her mother about why she didn’t have a sister like her friends did. Her mother had always told her that she got more love being the only one but somehow that had never washed with Jess. There hadn’t been much love. She’d grown up fast, only having adults around to talk to most of the time. She hadn’t spent a lot of time in places where there were other kids for her to play with.

‘Why can’t Jackson come with me?’ Nicholas rode his bike round and round the lemon tree, making her feel dizzy watching him.

‘He’s busy picking the avocados for Virginia.’ Nicholas definitely missed out by not having a father. Balancing that against what he’d miss out on if the man she loved lived with them, she suddenly didn’t know what was best for them all.

‘Actually, I’ve finished that chore,’ a familiar deep voice said from the corner of the house. ‘Got up with the birds to do the picking. I’ve even graded and packed the avocados, ready to go to the markets.’

‘Jackson, look at me,’ Nicholas shouted, and pedalled faster than ever until he forgot to watch where he was going and rode into the lemon tree.

Jess winced and rushed to lift him back onto his bike. ‘Nicholas, be careful, sweetheart.’

‘Okay, Mummy.’

Jackson moved up beside her. ‘Hey, you’re looking great.’ Sex oozed from that voice, lifting bumps on her skin.

‘Go easy around you know who,’ she warned, at the same time noticing how his gaze cruised over her legs. She’d pulled on very short shorts and a singlet top the moment she’d got home, feeling the need to make the most of the sun after hours shut inside that small delivery room. ‘Anna Carrington had her baby this morning.’

Jackson’s eyes softened. ‘So you’ve been up most of the night?’

‘All of it.’

‘You don’t look like you’re wilting.’ He ran a finger down her arm. ‘What did she have?’

‘A boy.’ She couldn’t help the sigh that slid across her lips.

‘That cute, eh?’

‘Yes. I never get tired of seeing new babies.’

‘You sound as though you’re yearning for another of your own.’ Jackson’s finger hovered over her wrist.

Her feelings were too obvious if Jackson was picking up on them. ‘It’s easy to wish for another baby when they’re brand-new and behaving and I’m not at home alone trying to balance everything like a one-winged bird.’

Jackson turned to stare across her lawn, his eyes following Nicholas as he again rode faster and faster, happily showing off. ‘You’d have to choose a father.’

She sucked in a breath. Odd way of putting it. ‘Not doing that. I do not want to have another child on my own, no matter how cool it would be for Nicholas to have a sibling. It’s not fair on the children.’

‘Or you. It’s hard work, for sure.’ He still watched Nicholas, but what was going on in his head?

‘It’s not about the hard work. It’s about having two role models, a male perspective as well as mine. Anyway, I don’t know why we’re having this conversation. It’s not going to happen.’

Jackson turned then, his hands reaching for her arms. ‘You sound so certain.’

Because I am. Because you’re going away. Because I couldn’t trust myself not to be able to share my love between you and Nicholas and any other child even if you did stay. ‘I’m being practical. No point wishing for the impossible. Takes too much energy.’ She stepped back, pulling her arms free. ‘Want to go to the beach with us?’

Disappointment blinked out at her. ‘You’re changing the subject.’

‘Are you staying on in Golden Bay come April?’

He hesitated, and she held her breath. Until, ‘No.’

Now i

t was her turn to feel disappointed, despite knowing the answer before he’d enunciated it. Swallowing hard, she said, ‘Then of course I’m changing the subject. We’re going to the beach. Want to join us?’

‘Yes, Jackson, you’ve got to come.’ Nicholas let rip with another shout as he spun around on his bike too fast and tipped over. ‘I want you to,’ he yelled, through the too-long grass covering his face.

‘How can I refuse that demand?’ Jackson shrugged in her direction, puzzlement in his eyes. So he’d picked up on what she hadn’t said. That she’d be interested if he was hanging around.

‘I guess Nicholas has a way with words.’ If only it was that easy for her to get Jackson to do what she needed. Because it was slowly dawning on her that she wasn’t going to be able to let him go as easily as she’d first thought. For a moment there she’d almost wished he’d said he was staying and that they might make their relationship more permanent. For a moment she thought she could see past her fears and take a chance. For a moment.

Jackson went to right the bike and held it while Nicholas climbed back on. ‘You’re going to need a bigger bike soon.’

‘I told Mummy but she said I had to wait.’

A bigger bike meant further to fall. ‘There’s no hurry.’

‘Have you got sun block on, sport?’

‘Yes.’ Nicholas nodded gravely. ‘Kelly got burnt at the beach. She said it hurt a lot.’

‘That’s right, she was bright red. You don’t want to look like a fried tomato.’

Jess watched the two of them: Jackson so patient and Nicholas so keen to show off his skills. They looked good together. If only this relationship could last as it was, but the weeks were cranking along, disappearing unbelievably fast. The first of March was only a couple of days away, and that heralded the end of summer. Then it would be April and some time during that month it would be the end of her affair with Jackson. Swallowing down on the sudden sadness engulfing her, she vowed to make the most of whatever time she had with him. For someone who did not want a permanent relationship with any man she was making a right hash of keeping Jackson at arm’s length.