Maybe Now (Maybe 2)

I walk over to her and take her face in my hands because I’m confused, too. She just squeezes her eyes shut when I press my forehead to hers. I don’t know how to handle this situation. I have so much to say to her, but texting isn’t fast enough, and I’m not sure I can speak everything I want to say or that everything I say would even be understandable to her. I pull away from her and grab her hand, then walk her back to the table.

I motion for Warren to help us communicate if we need him. Sydney sits in her chair, and I scoot mine to where I’m right in front of her. “Are you okay?”

She seems at a loss for how to answer that question. When she finally does, I can’t understand her, so Warren signs for me. “I’m trying, Ridge. I really am.”

Just seeing the pain when she speaks makes her my only focus. I can’t leave her like this. I look at Warren. “Can you go by yourself?”

He looks disappointed by my question. “You expect me to know what to do?” He tosses his hands up in frustration. “You can’t stop being there for her just because you have a new girlfriend. We’re all Maggie has, and you know it.”

I’m just as frustrated by Warren’s answer as I am my own question. Of course I’m not going to stop being there for Maggie. But I don’t know how to be there for both her and Sydney right now. I didn’t really think ahead when Maggie and I split up. I doubt she thought ahead, either. But Warren is right. What kind of person would that make me if I just walked out on the girl who has depended solely on me for the past six years when it comes to her medical needs? Hell, I’m still her emergency contact. That shows how much of a support system she has in her life. And I can’t send Warren alone. He can’t even take care of himself, much less Maggie. I’m the only one who knows her medical needs. Her entire medical history. The medications she takes, the names of all her doctors, what to do in an emergency, how to operate her respiratory equipment at her house. Warren would be lost without me.

As if Sydney’s thoughts are on the same track as mine, she speaks to Warren and he signs for me. “What do you normally do when this happens?”

“Normally when this happens, Ridge goes. Sometimes we both go. But Ridge always goes. We help her get home, pick up her prescriptions, make sure she’s settled, she gets mad because she doesn’t think she needs any help, and after a day or two, she usually forces us to go back home. The same routine we’ve had since her grandfather could no longer care for her.”

“Does she not have anyone else?” Sydney asks. “Parents? Siblings? Cousins? Aunts, uncles, friends? A really reliable mailman?”

“She has relatives she doesn’t know very well who live out of state. None that would drive to pick her up at the hospital. And none that know anything at all about how to handle her medical condition. Not like Ridge does.”

Sydney looks exasperated. “She really has no one else?”

I shake my head. “She’s spent all her time focusing on college, her grandparents, and her boyfriend for six years. We are literally all she has.”

Sydney absorbs my answer and then nods slowly, like she’s trying to be understanding. But I know it’s a lot to take in. She’s probably spent the last several months trying to convince herself that Maggie and I wouldn’t get back together. I doubt she’s even thought far enough ahead to realize that even though Maggie and I are no longer in a relationship, I’m still her primary caregiver when she’s not in the position to care for herself.

I know she tolerates the occasional text messages, but because Maggie hasn’t had any episodes for the past several months, this part of mine and Maggie’s new friendship has yet to be navigated. I’ve been so focused on just getting Sydney to give me a chance, it hasn’t occurred to me until this second that Sydney might not be okay with that.

The realization hits me with the weight of a thousand bricks. If Sydney isn’t okay with this, where does that leave us? Will I be able to walk away from Maggie completely, knowing she has no one else? Would Sydney actually put me in a position to choose between her happiness and Maggie’s health?

My hands start to shake. I feel the pressure coming at me from all sides. I grab Sydney’s hand and lead her to my bedroom. When I close the door, I lean against it and pull her to my chest, squeezing her, scared to death that she’s about to put me in an unthinkable situation. And I wouldn’t blame her. Asking her to be supportive of such an unusual relationship with the girl I was in love with for years is basically asking her to be heroic.

“I love you,” I say. It’s the only thing I have the strength to say right now. I feel her sign the words back to me against my chest. She clings to me and I cling to her, and then I feel her start to cry in my arms. I press my cheek to the top of her head and hold her, wanting to take away every ounce of ache she’s feeling in her heart right now. And I could. I could text Maggie right now and tell her it’s too much for Sydney and that I can’t be a part of her life anymore.

But what kind of person would that make me? Could Sydney even love a guy who would completely cut someone out of his life like that?

And if Sydney asked me to do it—if she asked me never to speak to Maggie again—what kind of person would that make her if her jealousy won out over human decency?

She’s not that type of person. And neither am I. That’s why we’re both standing in the dark, wrapped around each other while she cries. Because we know what will eventually happen tonight. I’ll leave to take care of Maggie. And it won’t be the last time, because Maggie will likely need me until Maggie doesn’t need me anymore. And that’s a thought I don’t feel like processing right now.

I know I’ve tried to do right by them, but I haven’t always been right. Part of me feels like this is karma. I’m being forced to hurt Sydney because I hurt Maggie. And hurting either of them hurts me.

I lift her head from my chest and kiss her, holding her face in my hands. Her eyes are sad, and tears are staining her cheeks. I kiss her again and then say, “Come with me.”

She sighs and shakes her head. “It’s too soon for that. She wouldn’t want me there.”

I brush her hair back and kiss her twice on the forehead. She backs up a step and reaches into her pocket for her phone. She types out a text, but my phone is still on the table, so she hands me hers so I can read her text.

Sydney: If you go, I’m probably going to cry myself to sleep. But she’s in the hospital, Ridge. And she’s all alone. So if you don’t go, she’ll probably cry herself to sleep, too.

I type out a text to her in return.

Ridge: Your tears mean more to me, Sydney.

Sydney: I know. And as much as this situation sucks and as much as it hurts, the fact that you’re torn right now because you don’t want to abandon her makes me think more of you than I already do. So go, Ridge. Please. I’ll be okay as long as you come back to me.

I hand her back her phone and then run my hands through my hair. I turn away from her and face the door, squeezing the back of my neck. I try to hold it in, but in all my twenty-four years, I have never felt this depth of love from anyone. Not Maggie. Certainly not my parents. And as much as I love Brennan, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this depth of love from my own brother.

Sydney Blake, without a doubt, loves me harder than I’ve ever been loved. She loves me more than I deserve, and in this moment, more than I can even handle.

I wish there was a sign in ASL that could convey my need to hold her even more than a hug can, but there isn’t. So I turn and hug her and press my face into her hair. “I don’t deserve your compassion. Or your heart.”

•••

She helps me pack.

I let the moment sink in and respect it for what it is. My new girlfriend is helping me pack so that I can go make sure my ex-girlfriend isn’t alone in the hospital tonight.

The entire time Sydney is replenishing items in my duffel bag, I keep distracting her, pulling her to me, kissing her. I don’t think I’ve ever loved her more than I do in this moment. And even though I won?

?t be here tonight, I want her in my bed. I grab her phone and type out a message in the notes app.

Ridge: You should stay here tonight. I want to smell you on my pillow tomorrow.

Sydney: I planned on it. I still need to eat and then I’ll clean up the kitchen.

Ridge: I can clean tomorrow. Eat, but leave the mess for me. Or maybe Bridgette will finally contribute.

She rolls her eyes with a laugh after that message. We both know what a stretch it is. We walk into the living room, and Warren and Bridgette are still at the table. Warren is scarfing down his food with a backpack hanging on his chair. Bridgette is sitting across from him, staring at her phone. When she looks up, she seems a little shocked that Sydney and I are walking out of the bedroom together. I guess she wasn’t expecting this to end so amicably.

“Ready?” Warren signs.

I nod and walk to the table to grab my phone. Warren walks around the table to give Bridgette a kiss, but she turns her face so that he can only kiss her on the cheek. He rolls his eyes and stands up straight, grabbing his backpack as he walks away from the table.

“Is she mad at you?” I sign.

Warren looks confused. He looks back at Bridgette and then looks at me. “No. Why?”