Eighteen: 18

“You didn’t,” I insist. “I didn’t tell anyone how bad it was. Not Danny, not Mateo, not you. I just want to know if you can help me get Olivia back.”

“I have to be honest, Shannon. It’s not looking good. My wife is a social worker and I know from experience that they do not let many younger relatives take care of infants. Especially those who failed to notice the signs of drugging over a long period of time. As you have found out the hard way, new adults don’t have the experience to handle some things. Or the money, or the time, or the commitment.”

“We’re committed,” Mateo says.

“We?” Bowman sneers. “So you’re volunteering to take care of this child? You don’t even know her.”

“I know her,” Mateo growls. “I might not know Olivia, but I know Shannon. And we’re not going to stop until we get that baby back. With or without your help, Bowman. We’re getting her back.”

Maybe Mateo isn’t such a bad guy.

But Bowman is looking like he’s about to blow a gasket. “Look,” I interrupt his explosion. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I understand that I don’t have much experience in being an adult. I know I’m only eighteen. But I’m smart. You said so yourself. And I’ve got a bright future. You said that too. So help me. I did everything you asked this semester, even though none of it was fair or even logical. I did the work once and I’m willing to do it again.”

He looks at me, thinking.

“Please,” Mateo says. “She needs that kid, Bowman. And that kid needs her. Don’t let them take away the only thing Shannon has left.”

Bowman takes his time as he sorts us out in his mind. “It’s not going to be easy,” he finally says.

“We don’t care,” Mateo replies. “We’ll do whatever it takes.”

“It’s not going to be immediate, either. They are notoriously slow in Social Services.”

“That’s OK,” I say. “I want them to do it right.”

“It’s going to require a lot of sacrifices.”

“We’re willing to make them,” Mateo says, reaching for my hand across the aisle. He squeezes it, but his eyes never leave Bowman.

After several agonizing seconds, Bowman sighs. “I’ll call my wife and see what I can do.”

He leaves us after that, saying he will get in touch when he hears something, and Mateo and I get up out of the students’ desks and look at each other.

We don’t say anything. He just leads me out of the building, down the stairs, and we walk home in silence. When we get in front of his house he says, “You’re coming in.”

It’s not a request.

I follow him into the house and sit at the kitchen table. “Thank you,” I say, as he sits across from me. “I appreciate what you said back there.”

“I meant every word, Shannon.”

I nod.

“What?” he asks. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”

I stare into his green eyes. He’s fucking handsome. His body is hot, he’s good in bed, he’s smart, he’s got money, and a bright future. He helped me this semester in so many ways. He helped me pass trig and he fed me. He took me on dates, to Hawaii, and he made me feel so good when we were together.

But…

“I don’t think I know you.” I expect him to laugh at that. Pass it off as silly. It might be silly. I know a lot about him. “I don’t think I have the faintest idea of who you are. But more importantly, I don’t know me either. I have no idea who I am right now. I have lost every identity I’ve scratched out for myself over the past eighteen years and I feel like I’m standing at day one.”

He watches me as I try to figure things out.

“It’s scary, Mateo.”

“It doesn’t have to be, Shannon.”

But I nod my head. “It really does. I think while I was in here getting used to your overpowering nature I lost sight of that. And if I let you help me—”

“Shannon.”

“If I let you be the reason I make it, the reason I get Olivia back, the reason why things turn out OK, then that’s it, Mateo. I’m done. I will never, ever stand on my own again. You will bulldoze me through life.”

“Shannon, please.”

But I shake my head. “I don’t even know what I want yet. I want Olivia, I like a lot of things you and I did together. But I’m not choosing you…”

I really do mean to say more. I really don’t mean to make it sound the way it does. The way I leave it. But I stop talking right at that moment. I stop talking so his last impression is one of rejection.

I stand up and say, “You should go to Arizona tomorrow.”

“Why are you doing this? To get even with me?”

I turn my back to him. “To get over you. I know you meant what you said back there at school, and I appreciate that. But you had your chance to be eighteen. You made your decisions.” I look over my shoulder. “It’s time for me to make mine. I don’t want to be saved, Mateo. Regardless of what you think, I’m not looking for someone to tell me what’s best, or keep me in check, or make life less scary. What is life without risk? And what is risk without fear?”

He has nothing to say to that. Mateo Alesci is struck speechless as I walk out of his house and cross Broadway. I make my way to my apartment and sure enough, there’s that little yellow tape over the front door.

Fuck them. Jason’s stuff is gone, it’s just my stuff being held hostage. I’m just about to rip the tape off the door when a voice calls out behind me.

“Wanna come inside, Shannon?”

I turn around to see the cop chick across the quad, peeking her head through her screen door. She’s got her blonde hair up in a ponytail and her uniform on.

“Are you going to bust me if I go inside and get my things?” I yell.

“No,” she calls back. “No one really cares. I’m sure they got what they needed last night.”

“Were you a part of it too? Is that why you moved in?”

“Maybe a little bit,” she concedes. “But not the way you think. I knew what the task force was up to, but that’s not why I asked you if you were OK that day.”

“Then why?”

“Why?” She laughs. “Because I care.” She opens her door wider and repeats her offer. “Want to come inside?”

“I really don’t,” I say back. “I just need to sleep. And I might not have much in there, but it’s mine. And I need it right now.”

“I get it. I do. And if you ever want to come talk, feel free. We can be friends.” She smiles at me, then closes her door and disappears inside.

I don’t want any more friends right now, so I open the front door to my apartment and go inside. It’s not trashed like you see in movies. Of course, we really had nothing. And Jason took everything that was his and Olivia’s when he left yesterday. My room has a few things out of place, but the bed is just fine.

I strip out of my clothes, take a shower, dress in shorts and a tank top, and spend the whole day curled up under a blanket in my dark room.

I do not sleep for one moment. My eyes close, but all I see are the mistakes I made.