The Seventh Dwarf (Artemis Fowl 1.5)

What are your top three tips for being a great LEPrecon officer?

One: listen to your commander - he is always right.

Two: ignore all hunches, unless suggested by your commander, who is always right.

Three: if in doubt, call your commander. The one who is always right.

If you hadn't been an LEP commander, what would you have liked to be?

I always fancied myself as a landscape gardener, or a mime artist. Are you crazy?? The LEP is the only job for me. If it didn't exist, I'd have to invent it.

What was your favourite subject at school and why?

I always liked history, especially military tactics. By the age of six I knew exactly what King Frond should have done at the Battle of Ochre Stew. If I had been his tactician, then maybe his dynasty would have lasted another few centuries.

Trouble Kelp or Holly Short? Which is the better Recon officer in your opinion?

Trouble is more reliable, but Holly is more instinctive. If I was stuck in a diabolical trap, I would want Trouble to find the trap and Holly to get me out of it.

Do you think that Mud Men and fairies could ever live in harmony?

I doubt it. Mud Men can't even live in harmony with themselves. Though I have to admit that our surveillance has revealed a substantial mood swing among the younger generations over the past few years. They are less warlike and more understanding. So maybe there is a glimmer of hope after all.

Interview With Eoin Colfer

What is your favourite book?

Stig of the Dump

What is your favourite song?

'The Great Beyond' by REM

What is your favourite film?

The Silence of the Lambs

What are your most treasured possessions?

Books

When did you start writing?

My first attempt at proper writing was way back in sixth grade. I wrote a play for the class about Norse gods. Everyone died in the end except me.

Where do you get your ideas and inspiration from?

Inspiration comes from experience. My imagination is like a cauldron bubbling with all the things I've seen and places I've visited. My brain mixes them all up and regurgitates them in a way that I hope is original.

Can you give your top three tips to becoming a successful author?

Practise - write every day even if it's only for ten minutes. Remember, nothing is wasted. Eventually your style will emerge.

Persevere! Don't submit your manuscript until it is as good as you can make it Edit! Cut! Chop! Trust your editor.

Get a good agent - they will find the publisher that is right for you.

What is your favourite memory?

One of my favourite memories is from my wedding day when my wife and her three sisters lined up for an impromptu Irish dancing session - a precursor to Riverdance.

Where is your favourite place in the world and why?

Slade, a small fishing village in Ireland. It's where I spent the holidays of my youth fishing, and now I go back with my own son.

What are your hobbies?

My main hobby is reading: I even read the labels on jars! I also love the theatre and have written a few plays. I have recently been introduced to parachuting!

If you hadn't been a writer, what do you think you would have been?

If I hadn't been a writer, I think I would have continued as a primary-school teacher. Kids are a great source of inspiration.

Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen

Annual Report

Student: Artemis Fowl II

Year: First

Fees: Paid

Tutor: Dr Po

Language Arts

As far as I can tell, Artemis has made absolutely no progress since the beginning of the year. This is because his abilities are beyond the scope of my experience. He memorizes and understands Shakespeare after a single reading. He finds mistakes in every exercise I administer, and has taken to chuckling gently when I attempt to explain some of the more complex texts. Next year I intend to grant his request and give him a library pass during my class.

Mathematics

Artemis is an infuriating boy. One day he answers all my questions correctly, and the next every answer is wrong. He calls this an example of the chaos theory, and says that he is only trying to prepare me for the real world. He says the notion of infinity is ridiculous. Frankly, I am not trained to deal with a boy like Artemis. Most of my pupils have trouble counting without the aid of their fingers. I am sorry to say, there is nothing I can teach Artemis about mathematics, but someone should teach him some manners.

Social Studies

Artemis distrusts all history texts, because he says history was written by th victors. He prefers living history, where survivors of certain events can actually be interviewed. Obviously this makes studying th Middle Ages somewhat difficult. Artemis has asked for permission to build a time machine next year during double periods so that the entire class may view medieval Ireland for ourselves. I have granted his wish and would not be at all supprised if he succeded in his goal.

Science

Artemis does not see himself as a student, rather as a foil for the theories of science. He insists that the periodic table is a few elements short and that the theory of relativity is all very well on paper but would not hold up in the real world, because space will disintegrate before lime. I made the mistake of arguing once, and young Artemis reduced me to near tears in seconds. Artemis has asked for permission to conduct failure analysis tests on the school next term. I must grant his request, as I fear there is nothing he can learn from me.

Social & Personal Development

Artemis is quite perceptive and extremely intellectual. He can answer the questions on any psychological profile perfectly, but this is only because he knows the perfect answer. I fear that Artemis feels that the other boys are too childish. He refuses to socialize, preferring to work on his various projects during free periods. The more he works alone, the more isolated he becomes, and if he does not change his habits soon, he may isolate himself completely from anyone wishing to be his friend, and, ultimately, his family. Must try harder.