Her All Along

Listening to her was like hearing another language. She was coming from an angle I hadn’t considered at all. “I’m worried that you will change your mind, Taylor. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Oh. Okay, good.” She swallowed. “You don’t have to worry about me backing out. Part of me is relieved I don’t have to live with an abortion on my conscience.” She continued quickly when she saw me frowning. “I know it’s not wrong—you don’t have to go into teacher mode and give me a lecture. But it’s a personal choice. I’ve felt awful, and now… Maybe I don’t have to. Maybe this is the best thing I can do for the baby.”

I understood her.

“You’ll have to tell me what you need from me throughout the pregnancy,” I said quietly.

She drew an unsteady breath and nodded once. “I’ve been talking to Keira today, and I’m gonna ask a lot from you, because what I need the most is distance. Not from you, but from pregnancy-related things. And, well, you’re kind of a reminder…”

It didn’t even sting to hear it, but it increased my worries for the life growing inside her. If she managed to shut that part out of her everyday life to the extent where every reminder became a nuisance, what would stop her from going back on her word and terminating the pregnancy?

“Are you afraid of getting attached to the baby?” I asked. “Because if you do, we could work someth—”

“No, no. No.” She winced. “The opposite, Avery. I know with all my heart that I won’t get attached, and I don’t want to feel guilty about it.” She paused. “I read some blogs about surrogate mothers and what they sometimes do to keep a healthy emotional distance, but the thing is, they know what they’re getting themselves into from the start. I didn’t, and I still don’t, and I sort of want to protect myself. So, what Keira and I agreed on—and what I hope you will be okay with—is that we will be here until she graduates. Then we’ll go to New York, as planned, but I’ll only be gone over the summer. I’ll be back in the fall. I’ll be here until the baby’s born at the end of October.”

I…didn’t know what to say. This was all so new, so I couldn’t say I had much of an objection. But I needed a level of commitment in order to trust her.

My knee started bouncing restlessly.

“I know it’ll be difficult,” she said, “but I don’t think I can sit by and watch you fall for this child, because I feel that you will constantly wonder how I can’t do the same.”

Fuck. She was right.

And considering that she was willing to go through all this for me, I wasn’t going to ask for anything else. The pregnancy would be about making Taylor as comfortable as possible.

“I get it.” I cleared my throat and nodded with a dip of my chin. “Whatever you need.”

Her gaze softened with gratitude. “I’m gonna call our family lawyer too. I don’t know how these things work, but we’ll get started on the process with all the paperwork. Maybe it will give you some security?”

Maybe. I appreciated what she was saying, but I had a feeling I would be on pins and needles until the kid was born. That urge to protect had been growing steadily overnight, and the fear of her changing her mind—regardless of promises and paperwork—would simply stay with me.

Damn, Pipsqueak was here.

I didn’t want to be a dick, but I couldn’t be good company now.

I hoped she’d be satisfied staying in the kitchen, because I was going to head upstairs and throw my ass in bed.

“Hey.” I peered into the kitchen as I shrugged out of my jacket and took off my shoes.

“Oh hey, you’re back.” She smiled and abandoned her chocolaty workstation. “How did everything go?”

“It went all right. She’s gonna go through with the pregnancy for me.”

“That’s amazing! I’m so relieved.” She nudged me toward the living room, and I frowned before I saw what she’d done. “I’ll get out of your hair in a bit—figure of speech—but I wanted to stop by and make sure you ate.”

My chest felt weird again. She’d prepared the coffee table with a wrapped bagel, the newspaper, a bowl of chips, and soda. She’d also been upstairs to grab a blanket and one of my pillows.

“Have a seat,” she urged. “I’ll get your coffee.”

I couldn’t quite form any words, so I merely complied and took a seat on the couch.

Oh, so you could actually pour soda in a glass and put ice in it? That wasn’t just something they did at restaurants? I took a swig of the Coke and felt my mouth twist into a smile.

There was brie, spinach, and salami on the bagel. The kind of salami with peppercorns that I liked.