Welcome to E. Mayberry

wasn’t depressed at all. I hadn’t been depressed since being in the hospital, at least not since moving in with Bastian. Oh, Bastian. I missed him already. I couldn’t wait till he got home and held me again in his arms and reminded me that he wanted me in his life. How I’d gotten such a good man to fall for me and welcome me into his home was a mystery in which I was afraid to seek the answers. He wanted me and that had to be enough. I deserved for it to be enough. I’d been broken and he was the man to put me back together.

Like I was fucking Humpty Dumpty or something. Imagining myself sitting on a wall and falling off and looking like a cracked egg made me giggle again and then I was back to hysterics. I might have never pulled myself together if I didn’t see a neon sign blinking at the end of the poorly lit corridor. It was in the direction I was headed so I put myself together, wiped the “happy” tears from my eyes and made my way toward the beacon at the end of the hall. Right at the exit to the plaza, in a bit of an indent, in a concave of sorts, hung a sign that read: 24-Hour Department.

The sign blinked and reflected off the glass fronts of several vending machines, all with small stickers that read: Need a late night goodie, use your neighborhood charge card and pay later. I didn’t have a neighborhood charge card. If I did, I might’ve been able to snatch up one of those ice cream cones before heading out. I imagined what wild toppings I might see. Pubic hair delights, cum drizzle, breast milk syrup. Eww, that’s so fucking gross. I know.

Anyway, each vending machine provided something different. One was for drinks. The top half was non-alcoholic and the bottom was filled with pints of a variety of wines, liquors, and beers. The second vending machine was filled with snacks. A third had common household items like toothpaste, floss, mouthwash, matches, some medicine, etc. The last, of course, was jam packed with sexual odds and ends. Condoms (of all colors, flavors, and textures), cock rings, vibrators, dildos, nipple clamps, handcuffs, and even a small flogger were some of the things you could pick up with that handy dandy neighborhood charge card.

I tapped the glass and wished I could pick up a flogger to use on Bastian later. The good doctor was in need of a serious spanking.

“Just use your charge card!” came a female voice from behind me.

It was Jackie, the girl who’d been next to me at the creative little oral sex buffet table the night before. She was behind the wheel of her convertible. She wore no necklace. She was an owner.

“I don’t have one yet,” I said.

“Bastian didn’t give you a charge card?” she asked. “Wait, is that the welcome package in your hand?”

I looked down at the envelope and nodded.

“It should be in there. Everyone gets one when they arrive. It’s kind of like instant credit but it has a five-hundred dollar limit so don’t go too crazy with the cock rings or dental floss.” she said.

We both laughed.

“You’re gonna need to activate it first,” she said. “Do you have a phone?”

“Not on me,” I said.

“You can use mine,” she said, “If you want.”

“It’s cool,” I replied. “I’ll do it later. I was headed home anyway.”

“Want a lift?” she asked.

A lift sounded great. Not that I was far from home but I was tired and wanted to lie down for a bit. Jackie graciously drove me home and it was so close we barely had time to have a conversation. She asked how I liked the place so far and I told her it was lovely. I actually said the word lovely. I don’t think I’ve ever used it before in my life. Lovely seemed reserved for flowers an old lady puts on her husband’s grave. The thought gave me chills and I didn’t know why. Was Jackie’s ride, or the welcome package, or anything I’d encountered so far anything like flowers on a grave?

Jackie parked outside my house and I was bummed to see the driveway empty. I’d hoped maybe Bastian would get to work and realize how much he missed me and then walk out, slam the door behind him, and say, “Fuck this place. I’m going home to my girl.” Since he worked in a hospital I suppose that’s a selfish thought. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t home. So I thanked Jackie and got out of her car.

“Wait,” she said as she grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving. “Look, this is a great place to live if you give it a chance. People here aren’t perfect. Some of these bitches are just downright…bitches, but there’s bitches in the real world too, right? Just read your rules and regulations and follow the damn rules and allow yourself to have a good fucking time, girl. That’s all you need to make it work. And if you need anything, come talk to me. I’ve been around. I know the ins and outs and who’s who and what’s what.”

She gave me a wink and blew me a kiss before letting go of my arm. I liked Jackie. She was probably the realest person I’d met since entering the neighborhood and that said a lot since everyone seemed to be stripped naked half the time and totally open and honest.

Inside Bastian’s house, or I suppose I should start calling it my house, I got a drink of water with a fresh squeeze of lemon, picked up my rules and regulations manual, and took it all upstairs with my welcome package to sit on the bed, read, and relax.

The welcome package did in fact have my charge card. I activated it immediately. I didn’t want to run into another emergency sex toy situation without it. With the card was a welcome letter that didn’t mean a whole lot since I was supposed to read it before reading the manual, putting on the necklace, or meeting Vivi.

In addition to the charge card, there was also a Pet Participation Punch Card which was a bright yellow business card with 50 circles printed on the back. Attached to the card was a list of participating vendors with everything from a yoga class to a pole dancing class and even the car wash and dentist. It resembled the kind you might get from your favorite restaurant. At the bottom was printed in small letters: Remember, pets with a full participation card will be rewarded by the HOA Management Committee.

I also found a notepad meant to be used for my class the next morning and a pen. There was even a cheat sheet of body parts and sexual terms, most of which I was already aware of, but a few that surprised me. Here’s a sample of some of the stuff on the list:

A-Spot: This summed up term is used to define the very sensitive area high up along the woman’s vaginal wall, sometimes confused with the G-spot, but located slightly higher.

C-Spot: This summed up term is used to define the clitoris.

G-Spot: Gentlemen, please pay attention to this one. Often ignored and rarely discovered, this summed up term is used to define the pleasure button found two inches up along the vaginal wall.

U-Spot: This summed up term is used to define the opening of the urethra.

Donkey punch: As a male is close to ejaculating, he inserts his penis into the anus of his partner and immediately punches him/her in the back of the neck which causes the anus to squeeze the penis and result in extreme orgasmic pleasure.