Welcome to E. Mayberry

I smiled and fell back against the tiled wall, dreamily remembering the night before.

“True,” I agreed. “Name another one.”

“If you’re caught spying on someone having sex, other than on TV or during specified times, you will be invited in and you have to participate,” he said.

“Get the fuck out,” I said.

“Scout’s honor,” he said holding up some fingers in a weird way that pretty much solidified my suspicion that he’d never been a scout.

“So if I, for example, were to look in the window at those guys next door, Emery and Nancy, and they caught me, they can invite me in and I have to participate?”

“Exactly.”

“No way.”

“It makes perfect sense when you think about it,” he said. “If you’re horny enough to watch, you must kind of like seeing what’s goin’ down. So why not join in?”

“Have you?” I asked.

“Babe, I’ve done lots of things. I’ve lived here a long time.”

“Am I your first pet?” I asked.

This, of course, was a test. I already knew I wasn’t his first pet so I figured I’d find out what he was all about. I knew before he opened his mouth he was going to lie to me. All men lie. Why would he be any different? It’s that ridiculous game we women can’t resist playing. Like when a man says he’s not flirting on social media so we create a fake account to tempt him, or we have a friend do it. Then when he falls for our fake, ridiculously sexy, naked pic slinging avatar, we get all broken hearted. I’m not saying I’ve done any of that but I’ve definitely seen it done.

“No,” he said.

Well I’ll be damned. Didn’t expect truth on that one. Where have you been all my life, Dr. Bastian?

I felt like shoving the bar of soap into my mouth for doubting him. It was my cynical nature I suppose. It always seemed like everyone was out to get me. Or at least like nobody was there to protect me.

Bastian soaped up his armpits and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I’d been ready with a comeback if he lied but he told the truth.

“So, uh…how many have you had?” I asked.

“Pets?”

I nodded.

“You’re the second,” he said.

The second. Not cool, but it could be worse.

I knew he’d had at least one other pet but hearing him say it was like a punch to the gut. I felt the air let out of my balloon and then I felt my balloon shoot into the sky where it deflated and got stuck in a tree. I chewed the inside of my cheek and fought back the urge to beat the shit out of his chest with two closed fists. In hindsight, it was a stupid thing to get upset about. It’s not like I’d entered Erotic Mayberry a virgin.

I turned my back to him and rinsed myself off. With my face hidden from view, I asked him, “What happened to the other one?”

“Would you mind if we don’t talk about it?” he asked.

Of course I fucking mind!

“I’d really like to know what happened,” I said.

There was no way he was getting off that easily.

“She’s an owner now,” he said as he stepped out of the shower, leaving me alone.

Apparently I’d hit a nerve.