His Best Mistake (Shillings Agency 6)

“Oh, I heard all of it.” She wore a black dress, a pair of pink heels, and her hair was down, falling in waves over her shoulders. She remained a few feet away from him, but she hadn’t turned and run, so that was something, he supposed. “Every last word.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, taking another step closer.

“I know. I heard.” She tightened her grip on her groceries and brushed past him. “Excuse me.”

He followed her, stopping at her door as she unlocked it, opened it, and slid through. She closed it slowly, and he tried one more time. “Can I please come in? I just want to talk to you.”

“I feel like we’ve said all we need to say to one another, don’t you?” she asked through the crack on the door. She didn’t close it, though. “You’ll say you’re sorry. I’ll say I’m sorry, too. Then we’ll kiss, and we’ll try to make it work until we inevitably realize we can’t and go our separate ways. We both know how this will end—hell, you’re the one who said it in the first place. So why do all of it again? Why bother with trying to make it work?”

“Because I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe when I remember your laugh, or your smile, or the way you snuggle into me when you sleep.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “I miss you every second of every day. I never thought I could miss someone as much as I missed Tina when she died, but I do. I miss you that much. But the difference is, you’re not dead. You’re here, just a few steps away from me, and I refuse to be too damn scared to take those steps. I refuse to lose another second with you. Life’s too damn short for that shit.”

The hard mask she wore slipped a bit, and he saw pain flash across her eyes. “Mark…”

“I can’t sleep without you beside me. I can’t eat without remembering the meals we shared. After I tuck in Ginny and sit on my couch alone, all I think about is you. I feel your absence.” He touched his head. “Here.” Next, he pressed a hand to his stomach. “Here.” His heart. “And most importantly, here.”

She hesitated, opening her mouth, and for a second he thought she was going to say she missed him, too. He didn’t realize how badly he needed to hear that until right now.

But she remained silent.

“You look tired,” he said. “Like you haven’t been sleeping well, either.”

She stared at him for so long he thought she wasn’t going to answer again, but then she nodded. “I haven’t been sleeping at all, really.”

“Sleeping with you was the best mistake I ever made, and losing you was the worst. Please. Just give me five minutes, and if you still want me to go after I’m finished talking to you, if you still want nothing to do with me…” He tightened his grip on the present he’d forgotten he held in his hands. “I’ll go. I’ll leave. And I’ll never bother you again. I swear it.”

“Okay.”

He held the gift out. “But first, this is for you. It’s yours, no matter what you decide.”

She bit down on her lip, eyeing his present like it was a poisonous snake. “I don’t want a gift from you. You can’t buy your way to my forgiveness.”

“I know. I bought this for you before I…” Before I fucked everything up. He lifted the rectangular gift. “I just didn’t get a chance to give it to you, so I wanted to drop it off. I have no use for this.”

Stepping back, she moved out of the way. “Come in, I guess. You have three minutes.”

“Thank you.”

He came inside and set the present down by the door then ran his hands over his suit jacket. She put the groceries in the kitchen and turned to face him, leaning on the dining room table. About twenty feet separated them. It was twenty feet too much.

Before he could speak, she asked, “Why are you so dressed up?”

“I was at my cousin’s wedding. They looked happy.” He swallowed. “I’m not. I’m miserable without you.”

She tucked her hair behind her ear. “You’ll get over me eventually. I mean, we all move on, right? You lost your wife, a woman you loved with all your heart, but you were ready to move on with me. Logically speaking, whatever pain you felt at losing her is a hell of a lot worse than what you feel after losing me.?

??

He took a breath. “I used to like being alone. Sleeping alone. After I lost Tina, it just seemed like that’s how my life was going to be, and I was okay with that. But then I met, and lost, you, and since then, my bed’s felt…so fucking empty. Everything’s empty.”

She cocked her head. “Mark…”

“You know, I never asked you what you wanted when I decided what was best for you.” He took a step closer. “I tried to read you, tried to guess, because I was used to doing that with Tina, since she wasn’t big on talking about emotions. But you’re not her. You’re you. And I should have asked if you were willing to put up with me freaking out every once in a while when I was worried. If you could handle me at both my worst, and my best? So I’m asking you now…can you handle that? And more importantly, do you want to? Because if you do, I’ll spend the rest of my life giving you everything I can. I swear it.”

She stared at him, eyes wide. “I…I don’t know.”

“I do.” He took a step closer to her. “I want to fall asleep next to you every night, and wake up with your body pressed against mine every morning. I want to cook you dinner every evening, and lie by the fire with our feet entwined every night. I want to share every thought, desire, and wish with you, because I want to know yours. I want to know you, inside and out, and I want you to know me, too. I want to be your best friend. Your partner. Your lover. And maybe, one day, your spouse, and the father of your child.”

Eyes wide, she pressed a hand to her stomach.