Fill Me (Rouse Me 3)

"So you'll call me."

"Yeah..."

"You will call me," I say.

"I will do what I want to do. If I want to call you, I'll call you."

"Ally, please. Don't do this. I'm going to miss you too. I'm going to be lonely and stressed without you too."

"That's not the same."

"You've been in recovery for almost two years."

"Yeah," she says. "Technically."

"And it's been almost a year since you've purged, right?"

"Wow. You said purge without cringing. That's serious progress."

"Ally--"

"Okay, you're right," she says. "I have been doing well with recovery. I'm just... I'm scared. You can reassure me all you want, but I'm still going to be scared."

"Okay."

I rub her shoulders and she leans into me. "I'm terrified," she says.

"Okay."

"I can barely shop for groceries by myself. How am I supposed to survive six months alone?"

I slide my arms around her and whisper in her ear. "I don't know, but I know you can do it. You're the strongest person I know."

She pulls away. "Maybe."

"Ally."

"Let's finish this and go back to the apartment, okay? It was a long trip and we're both tired."

I bite my tongue. She's tired. This isn't the first step to everything falling apart.

***

This is supposed to be the city that never sleeps, a place brimming with life. But on a Saturday afternoon, the financial district is dead quiet. And it's mocking me.

Alyssa is on the defensive, and she shows no signs of letting down those walls. I rack my brain for subtle ways to nudge her out of hiding, but I've got nothing. She's in a new place. She's overwhelmed and underslept. It's fair that she's upset.

I wait until we're back in the apartment to broach the subject. "Ally, I'm sorry," I say.

"Can we not talk for a little while?"

I nod. We can talk later. We're both exhausted. "Okay."

"I'm not going to break up with you or anything. I just need a little space."

"Not space again."

"Space is the wrong word. I need a little time to not think about anything."