A Vow Of Hate

“Julianna,” she hissed through clenched teeth. Her forehead creased with tension lines, and I worried that the stress wouldn’t be good for her and the baby.

Four hour ago, her pregnancy test came back positive. My sister was pregnant, and the way she had collapsed in horror, I knew this wasn’t planned.

After the shock had worn off, I realized just how much more complicated the situation had become. And it was time to tell Gracelynn the truth.

About my forbidden affair… with the man she was betrothed to.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. For the fourth time. But my apologies weren’t going to fix this situation. I couldn’t go back and change the past. And as much as I hated to admit it, I didn’t want to undo my lies.

As bitter as my lies were – I found peace within them. I found Killian.

“Do you realize what you’ve done?”

I nodded, voicelessly. I wanted to defend myself, but I couldn’t find the words to do so. Gracelynn speared me with a dark look before she resumed going back and forth, her fists clenched at her sides. Her pacing was making me dizzy.

My left leg jerked, barely noticeable, but I felt the muscle spasm. My fingertips tingled and I worried that this could be one of my symptoms for an oncoming seizure. God, I hoped not. I haven’t had a seizure in almost four months. This was my longest streak.

“Dad is going to blow a fuse,” she warned.

“You’re not interested in Killian, anyway. You’re in love with Simon,” I muttered, as if that excused what I had done.

“Yes, but I am betrothed to Killian! You – oh for Pete’s sake. This is a mess! How did you even fool him?”

“I didn’t fool him,” I cried. “That was never my intention. When I introduced myself as Gracelynn, I never expected to see him again. But then, it was like something kept pulling me to him. I tried to stop, Gracelynn. Trust me, I tried.”

“You didn’t try hard enough,” she accused. “You don’t realize just how dangerous your lies are.”

“It’s more than that. We, uh…kissed.”

“What? When?” she growled.

“Two weeks ago… and there have been a lot more kisses since then.”

She rubbed a hand over her face, an exasperated sound rumbling from her throat. “How long has this been going on? When did you and Killian start – whatever it is you started?”

“About two months,” I whispered.

Gracelynn gasped. “Two months! And you’re just telling me this now?”

“I was scared!” I cried.

“Scared of me?”

I blinked, appalled she’d think such a thing. “What – no! I just wanted… I didn’t want it to end. I was, am scared of losing Killian.”

My sister and I had always been very close and the only reason I told her the truth was because I trusted her. Gracelynn would never betray me. Especially when it came to my happiness.

Her expression turned forlorn, almost like she pitied me. “You’ve lost him anyway when you started this relationship based on a lie.”

“You don’t understand,” I whispered, my voice breaking.

Gracelynn came closer, kneeling in front of me. She grasped my hands in hers, squeezing. There was tenderness in her gaze, almost motherly. “Then make me understand, Jules. Tell me what’s in your head. I need to know.”

I remembered the first time I saw Killian, when I thought he was a simple stableman. A man with no status. And now, I wished he really was. It would have made it so much easier to love him.

And I did. Love him.

I didn’t know when it happened or how it happened. It was painful loving someone from afar, in the shadows – in secret, while knowing your love was never to be. From the beginning.

I let a secret love kindle within me, knowing full well it could never be returned. But when it was reciprocated, I realized just how dangerous it was. Just how cruel fate could be.

Killian Spencer was everything I could ever need – the Prince Charming I had dreamed of when I was a little girl – but he was nothing I could ever have.

Still, I loved him.

And I wanted to defy the odds to have him.

For once, I wanted to be selfish.

“Killian,” I started, swallowing. “No one ever sees me for who I am, but with Killian, he makes me feel important and heard. I feel seen for the first time in my life, Gracelynn. Wanted and desired. He understands me, the woman behind Julianna Romano.”

I squeezed Gracelynn’s hand, remembering the day I told him about my accident and my fear of horses. How he neither judged, nor looked at me like I was someone insignificant.

While my father sought to trap me, Killian simply wanted me to let go of my fear. To live. To feel.

“Killian doesn’t see me as a weakness or treat me like I’m fragile. He doesn’t look at me as if I lack something and I don’t feel incomplete with him. Or that my existence is wrong and futile. Because Killian sees me for who I am and that’s enough. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”