The Boy Who Has No Redemption (Soulless 8)

My eyes watered at his story. “That sounds like her.”

“I know it does. She’s the best fucking mom in the world…and I can’t lose her.” He dropped his chin again. “I think about all the times they invited me to dinner, and I blew them off… Fucking stupid. I think about all the times we had lunch, and I wasn’t really present because I was thinking about a prototype or some bullshit. That’ll haunt me for the rest of my life, regardless of what happens.”

“Derek, we’re all guilty of that.”

“But my parents…my parents are the best.”

I nodded. “Yeah, they are.”

He rubbed his hands together and released a loud sigh, shuffling through various emotions, heartbreak, misery, regret.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” This had been going on a long time, and even when I asked what was wrong, he never gave me an answer. Why wouldn’t he tell me he was going through this terrible thing? I screamed at him and watched him cry in his own office…and I never would have done that if I’d known.

He lifted his chin and looked at me, taking a long pause filled with slight shakes of his head and looks of consternation. “I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”

“Obligated to do what? Derek, it doesn’t matter what happened between us, I will always be there for you through times like this—”

“And I don’t deserve it.” He dropped his gaze. “You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I hurt you and Liz, and I didn’t deserve your compassion and sympathy. You had every right to be upset with me, to say how you felt, and if you knew about my mom, you never would have said any of it.”

No, I absolutely would not have.

“And…I didn’t want you to take me back because of the situation.” He turned to look at his desk, like he wanted to make sure he couldn’t see my reaction at all. “I hoped that if we talked, we could work it out. But if I came in telling you the reason everything changed, your reaction would have been completely different. You might have excused all my previous behavior because of my pain, and I didn’t want that. I’m really sorry about what I did, and I deserve to suffer. I didn’t want to do this the easy way. I wanted to do it the right way.” He turned back to his hands and watched his palms rub together.

“It was your mother’s diagnosis that made you feel differently?” If that had never happened, would Derek have continued his tirade of indifference? Would he have continued to treat me like shit until I found a new job? Would we have never spoken again?

He nodded before he lifted his head and looked at me. “After they told me, we were at the hospital. They took my mom away for her treatment, so it was just my dad and me. He puts on a strong front for my mom, but once she was out of the room, he collapsed. He sobbed into my shoulder and said he couldn’t live without her. That was when I thought of you, when I realized you were the person I couldn’t live without, and the fog that numbed me vanished. My eyes opened for the first time in months, and I looked at you…really looked at you…and realized what I’d done. My dad has reverted to the asshole he used to be before he found my mom, and I realized I’d done the exact same thing.” His eyes watered as he looked at me. “Shit got hard, and I just ran away…like I always do. I let the past defeat me. I let my weakness destroy the best thing that ever happened to me.” He dropped his gaze for a moment like he couldn’t look at me anymore. It took him a while to find the strength to meet my gaze once again. “I’ve come to realize that our time on this earth isn’t guaranteed. You should never take those you love for granted. If you love someone, you’re always there. Always. I’ll never run from my problems again. I’ll never let the past define me. The way my dad feels about my mom…is the way I feel about you.”

I held his gaze and kept my features soft, but inside, a dam had broken, and a rush of emotions swept through me. I dropped my eyes and thought about those hard months after he’d left, how every day was more insufferable than the last.

“Emerson…”

I looked at him again.

“I’m never going to do that again.” He dropped his voice to a whisper, his eyes intense as they looked into mine, pleading with me. “This catastrophe changed me, down to my core.” He rubbed his palm across his chest. “I will be here every day, through thick and thin, better or worse, in sickness and in health…forever. I’m so sorry that this had to happen to make me realize how fucking pathetic I was, but it did happen, and I’ll never go back. All I’ve wanted to do this entire time is run to you, not run away. I’ve been there for my mother every single day instead of closing off. I’m different now. I met up with Kevin a few days ago…and forgave him. I’m a new man, Emerson. Please…please give me another chance.” He squeezed his hands together as he stared at me, desperate for the answer he wanted.