A Mother's Secret

Gemma took a deep breath. ‘I know it’s difficult, Logan, and it’s hard for me to comment. I certainly haven’t seen any signs of her being manic when I’ve been with her. But it is obvious that her mood is low. I just assumed it was a result of her longing for a child. I’m not an expert on mental health, so I probably couldn’t be much help.’

Gemma stood up next to him and touched his arm. ‘Is that what’s been wrong these last few weeks? Why didn’t you say something?’

He threw his arms up in frustration. ‘Because it’s not really my business to share. I asked Hugh Cairney at the surgery to see her.’ He waved his hands a little. ‘I didn’t know what else to do. Claire gets on well with him and I thought she might talk to him. He’s also known her for years and would be able to judge her change in mood.’

She reached up and touched his face. ‘And you feel guilty?’ Her voice was quiet, understanding.

His arms dropped down. ‘Yes. Of course I feel guilty. I’ve let my sister down.’ He paused. ‘And it’s not the first time.’

‘What does that mean?’ She kept her hand where it was, feeling the warmth of his skin through the palm of her hand. He was hurting. His eyes looked like a wounded soldier’s. She was so close she could feel the rise of his chest as he took a deep breath.

‘My dad. He died on the golf course on Arran when I was an SHO in Glasgow. I wasn’t here.’

She nodded slowly. Understanding how he felt. ‘What happened?’

‘He had an AA. One minute he was fine, the next...he was gone.’

‘Oh, Logan.’ She ran her fingers through his hair. ‘You know that’s one of the hardest things to diagnose. Some people don’t have any symptoms at all. There was nothing you could have done.’

His eyes met hers. The blue was even darker, full of despair. ‘But I think I could. If I’d been here I might have picked up on something—anything—even minor, that meant he would have got checked out.’

‘You can’t know that, Logan. And you can’t beat yourself up about that. You didn’t let your family down then, and you haven’t now. We’ve spoken about this before. Sometimes it’s easier for someone on the outside looking in to see what’s really wrong.’

He nodded his head slowly. ‘I know. But it doesn’t make me feel any better.’ He sagged back down onto the sofa. ‘And there’s more. I can’t interfere because Claire’s seeing Hugh. But she’s still not thinking rationally.’

‘What do you mean?’

His head shook slightly. ‘She’s started ranting on about wanting to hire a surrogate. Hire someone else to have her baby. That’s the last thing she needs to be doing.’

Gemma felt her stomach twist in a horrible knot. The very last thing on earth she wanted to talk about. The one thing on this planet she wanted to avoid.

But she couldn’t. Particularly not now.

There was a roaring in her ears. Part of her was horrified. Part of her was indignant.

Her voice was wavering. ‘Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe it’s the natural next step for her—once she’s well, of course.’

He looked aghast. ‘How can it be the next step? She needs to get herself straightened out first before she even considers any other option. And certainly not that one.’

She felt herself stiffen completely. ‘Maybe you should find out a bit more about it before you stand in judgement. Lots of people have babies using surrogates.’

‘You think that’s what I’m doing—standing in judgement?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘And what makes you the expert?’

She took a deep breath. Nightmare. If she dodged this question now she could never look him in the eye again. And she didn’t want that. He would find out sooner or later anyway. Best just to get it over and done with. No matter how much she didn’t want to go down that path.

She might be a lot of things, but a liar certainly wasn’t one of them.

She couldn’t hide the tremble in her voice. ‘I’ve been a surrogate.’

Silence. Ticking past. Seconds feeling like hours.

His eyes had widened, as if he was trying to process what she’d just said. ‘You...what?’ His brow wrinkled, deep furrows appearing across its length and between his eyes.

This time her voice wasn’t shaky. This time her voice was definite. ‘I’ve been a surrogate.’ She had to be confident. She had to let him know she wasn’t ashamed of her actions.

‘But why? When?’ He looked totally stunned.

This was where it started. The multitude of questions. The expectation that she explain herself. All the things she detested.

‘I did it for my friend Lesley and her husband Patrick. Lesley and I grew up together. She was like your sister, infertile. Even when she tried IVF the quality of her eggs meant that she didn’t have a lot of viable embryos. It was always unsuccessful.’

‘But I don’t get it. What on earth made you offer to do that?’

‘I cared about her. The whole situation was tearing her apart. I could see her collapsing in on herself before my eyes. Just like your sister, Logan. When I first met Claire a few weeks ago I recognised some of the things I’d seen in Lesley. The low mood, the weight loss. And I was with Lesley constantly. I cried the river of tears along with her every month when she realised she wasn’t pregnant again. I couldn’t watch my friend being destroyed by something that was totally out of her control. I decided to do the one thing I could do to help.’

Logan was shaking his head. ‘That’s a mighty big favour.’

Gemma bit her lip. She’d told him now. She couldn’t take the words back. But how would he react when he knew the truth?

Logan hadn’t stopped. He was still shaking his head. ‘So, how did Isla fit into all this? What did she think about you giving away her baby brother or sister?’

Gemma froze. He hadn’t clicked. He hadn’t realised. Her mouth was so dry. Licking her lips did nothing. Only emphasised the sandpit in her throat.

‘Isla didn’t know.’

‘How didn’t she know? Did you hide the pregnancy from her?’ He frowned. ‘Or was this before you had her?’

She had to say it. She had to put him right. ‘Isla is the baby.’

‘What?’ His head spun around. ‘Isla is the surrogate baby?’

She nodded.

‘But that means...you stole your friend’s baby?’ He was astounded. But it was the only natural conclusion to reach.

‘Isla is my daughter. She was my baby. It was my egg.’

He looked endlessly confused. ‘So, you offered to have your friend’s baby. You donated your egg, then you kept the baby. What about the father? Didn’t he get a say in any of this?’ He was still shaking his head in disbelief.

Patrick. The one person who could make her skin creep with no explanation whatsoever.

But Logan wasn’t finished. He was pacing again. ‘Didn’t you have a legal agreement about all this? How on earth could you steal your friend’s baby?’

‘Stop it, Logan. Stop it. Isla is my daughter. My baby. She didn’t belong to Lesley, she belonged to me.’ She shook her head. ‘We didn’t have a formal agreement. We looked into it but Lesley—she was desperate. And as soon as I offered she just wanted us to get started straight away.’ She knew how desperate this all sounded. She also knew how foolish this made her and her friends sound.

But, as far as she knew, Logan had never experienced infertility. How could he understand?

And even now, after everything that had happened, Gemma realised how lucky she was that they hadn’t had a formal agreement in place. In the end, that had saved her and Isla.

Somewhere in his brain she could see the penny drop. He lifted his finger. ‘You. You’re the bad surrogate. You were all over the news. There was a court case.’ Then a flicker of recognition came across his face. ‘You. It was you. You put this idea into her head. How could you? You know how vulnerable she is right now.’

She cringed. Of course he would thi