Adrenaline

“How often will I need the physical therapy?”

She shook her head. “I’m not sure. You’ll need another surgery to remove the pins. I’m more concerned about your knee than your leg. The doctors will give you more of an idea as you begin to heal.”

For the first time in my life, I was unsure about my future and that scared the piss out of me. Racing was my life. I needed the rush. I craved it. I had to have it to keep all my other demons away.

There was nothing in this world that could ever replace the feeling I had when I was behind the wheel.

Nothing.

“Nothing in my life matters besides racing.”

Paislie looked at me with a confused look. “So you’re tell me your life is over if you can’t get into a racecar again? Seriously, Malcolm? You’re lucky to be alive.”

The whole reason I raced the way I did was because I never cared about life. I lived it from day to day.

“I race the way I do because I don’t give a fuck about life.”

She sucked in a sharp breath. “How can you say that?”

With a gruff laugh,

I shook my head. “Why do you think I’m the way I am?” My leg was throbbing as the pain built. “I like the rush from the adrenaline. I don’t fucking jump out of planes or rock climb because it’s a fun sport. It gives me a thrill and makes me forget.”

Her head tilted as she stared at me. “Forget what?”

I closed my eyes and saw Casey’s smile. Popping my eyes back open, I shook my head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Her eyes grew angry as she shook her head. “Oh yeah, because I’ve never wanted to escape life before,” she said sarcastically. “I don’t try to kill myself while doing it, though.”

I laughed as I looked into her eyes. “No you only try to escape by fucking guys. I do it with living my life on the edge.”

Her mouth parted open and I saw the hurt move across her face. Pressing her lips together, she shot me a dirty look.

Fuck. Why did I say that?

I needed her to leave before I said something else I would be regretting.

“Paislie, would you mind leaving me alone for a bit, please?”

A look moved over Paislie’s face before she took a few steps back. She reached for her purse and headed to the door.

“Wait. I didn’t mean what I said, I—”

Paislie turned back and glared at me. “I’ve never told anyone the things I shared with you on that roof. But thank you for letting me know what you think about me, Malcolm. It was very enlightening.”

“No. Paislie, I’m just angry and I need some time to process all this bullshit and I can’t do it right now.”

She let out a huff. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll have plenty of people to help you process . . . including Ashley.”

Before I could even think of something to say in response, she opened the door and walked out.

Leaving me in the silence I asked for.

TWO MONTHS HAD PASSED SINCE I walked out of Malcolm’s hospital room. It took him two days before he called and left a message saying he really wanted to see me. When I didn’t answer, he kept calling and sending text messages.

I changed my number two weeks later. The only good thing was he at least had the decency not to bother me at work. He probably met some nurse who was taking care of him.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, I dropped my pen onto my desk and buried my face in my hands. Was it time to go home yet?