Until Fountain Bridge (On Dublin Street 1.5)

“Yes,” a female voice groaned. “Adam, oh my God. ”

The giggle instantly died as the blood rushed in my ears. I felt a burn in the bottom of my throat as some devil, some masochistic thing inside of me, made me tiptoe silently around the bins.

All the hope I’d been feeling exploded and disintegrated around me.

As I watched Adam screw one of the female catering staff against a brick wall, I realized what an idiot I was. What a childish, naïve idiot.

And then the anger settled in. The frustration. The pain… that somehow I wasn’t good enough. Not good enough for Adam. Not good enough for my father.

My eyes narrowed. There was one person who thought I was good enough, so what was I holding out for? For flowers and sonnets and a man on bended knee? That wasn’t going to happen. This was reality. Sex was sex. There was nothing magical about it.

Clearly.

I wasn’t naturally an angry person, but the burn of jealousy fueled it and I turned silently back to the hotel. As soon as I was inside, the image of Adam moving against the catering girl kept flashing before my eyes. I felt sick. Chugging back more water, I made a decision. I needed to wipe that image out of my brain.

I found Clark talking to his brother in the function room and thankfully Mum wasn’t anywhere around because what I was going to ask she’d probably not be happy about.

“Els, what do you want to do with all these presents?” He asked, pointing to a table that had been set up at the back.

“Can I ask you and Mum a big favor?”

He smirked, guessing what that favor was. “You want us to take the presents back home for you?”

“My friends and I want to go onto a club, if that’s okay?”

Clark studied me for a moment and then finally sighed, “Go on before your Mum sees you. And be careful. ”

I nodded and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Leaving him to it, I pushed my way through the dance floor and found Liam and Allie dancing together. I pulled Liam off to the side with an apologetic smile thrown Allie’s way.

“What’s up?” he asked, giving my hip a squeeze.

I looked into his eyes, feeling my stomach flip as I said meaningfully, “Let’s go. ”

His body tensed and his eyebrows drew together. “Just me and you?”

“Yeah. ”

“Where do you want to go?”

I pressed close to him, making my intentions very clear. “Where do you want to take me?”

Liam’s breathing stuttered. He seemed to swallow hard. “I could get us a room. ”

“Okay then. ”

We left quickly, slipping from the party before Mum or Braden could see me. My nerves kicked in as we made our way through the hotel to the reception, and I fought hard not to throw up as Liam booked us a room.

Every inch of me was trembling as the lift took us up to the first floor and as soon as we were inside the room and Liam started kissing me he could feel me shaking against him.

“Are you sure about this?” he whispered against my mouth.

The image I was unsuccessfully trying to bleach from my brain flashed before me again. I wanted tingles and excited butterflies, I wanted flushed skin and passion. I wanted trust and safety, I wanted affection and laughter. I wanted loyalty and friendship. I wanted love.

Unfortunately, life had played a cruel joke on me and I’d fallen in love with the one person in the whole world I couldn’t have.

Just because I couldn’t have him, however, didn’t mean I shouldn’t live. None of my friends were virgins any more. What was it really but a nuisance? It used to be a gift. Or at least I liked to romanticize that it was a gift. I supposed what it really used to be was a mark of ownership. But this was the 21st century. No one owned me. And my virginity was something I could give to whoever I pleased.

“Yeah,” I whispered back, reaching up to unknot the halter tie on my dress. “Yeah, I’m sure. ”

Liam thankfully took his time. He made me come before he put on a condom and pushed inside of me so I was as ready as I could be. Still, it hurt. After a while the pain diminished and it felt okay. Liam enjoyed himself. He tried to hold off until I came again but I didn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking over and over again as he moved inside me that I’d well and truly buggered everything up for myself.

I’d promised myself since I was fourteen years old that the first time I made love I’d be in love.

Instead I was lying in some hotel room while a boy I merely liked casually took the gift I offered, and I casually let him. I felt a heaviness settle on my stomach when Liam was finished.

I stayed awake listening to him snore beside me and cursed myself to hell for letting anger and jealousy get the better of me.

*** I lay there for a couple of hours but eventually decided I couldn’t stand to stay in the hotel room. At the back of four in the morning I snuck out of there and had reception call me a taxi.