The woman on reception took one look at my mad hair and revealing dress and knew exactly what I’d been up to. The smirk she gave me made me feel cheap, and I realized quickly that the only reason I felt cheap was because I thought I’d acted cheap.
I tried not to cry as the taxi took me home, and I definitely tried not to cry as I quietly let myself inside. I was just creeping toward the stair when a head popped out of the kitchen and gave me heart failure. I sucked in a breath, clutching a hand to my chest in fright.
Adam stood in the light from the kitchen doorway. He crooked a finger at me and as I approached him I saw that image again of him and caterer girl, and the anger returned.
I followed him into the kitchen and he closed the door behind me. I studied his face and saw his eyes were bloodshot. The smell of coffee filled the air and I noted cheese toasties sitting on a plate. He was obviously hungover and trying to diminish the affects. I was so busy noting these things that I didn’t notice his anger.
“Where the hell have you been?” he hissed at me.
I glowered at him, momentarily blaming him for the loss of my virginity. “Out. ”
“Where?”
“Just out. ”
He narrowed his eyes. “With who?”
“Liam. ”
Adam’s face instantly darkened and he took a step toward me, his eyes moving over my messy hair and then coming to rest on my mouth. They stuck there until I touched my lips, wondering what was so fascinating about them. “What were you doing?” he finally asked, his voice gruff.
And that was the point in the interrogation I lost my temper. My loss of temper transformed into blasé petulance. “I’m eighteen, Adam. I can have sex with my boyfriend. ”
His body jerked, like I’d shot him. “Sex?” he choked out.
I shrugged as if my heart wasn’t hammering against my ribcage. “It was a present to myself. ”
He swallowed, his eyes roaming over me again. “Are you telling me… you lost your virginity last night?”
I nodded slowly, hearing an edge in his words I was a little bit afraid of.
Adam’s eyes flared after my confirmation and I stood there squirming as he drank me in from head to foot. I flushed at his appraisal, not quite sure what was happening. And then he made it clearer by turning on his heel and throwing the kitchen door open. Without a care to those sleeping, Adam stormed out of the house, the front door slamming in his wake.
I let out a shaky breath, realizing what the edge was now.
Adam thought of himself like my big brother. No big brother wanted to hear that their little sister had “gotten herself some”. More than that, I wondered if he was as disappointed in me as I was in myself. He knew me. He knew I believed in stars and sunsets and “happily ever afters”. I’d compromised my own beliefs by having casual sex with a boy I barely knew.
The tears came then and I hurried to my room with blurry vision. I grabbed some fresh underwear and
pajamas and took them into the bathroom with me. For half an hour I remained in the shower, crying the entire time.
At least, I told myself, I’d learned a huge lesson.
I’d learned there were some things in life you could never take back.
Chapter 4
Adam put down the diary and looked up at me, something like regret in his eyes. I didn’t want him to feel regret, I just wanted him to know that even if my first time hadn’t been with him, I’d always wanted it to be.
“Baby, I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I frowned and shook my head. “Don’t. That’s not what… I just wanted you to know that it’s always been you. ”
“But your first time should have been special, Els. It should have been romantic. ”
I shrugged. “In the grand scheme of things it’s not the worst thing that happened. Dad—”
“Douglas died a few days after your birthday,” Adam murmured, finishing my sentence.
“Yeah,” I whispered back, remembering how mixed up I’d been over my dad’s death. I’d grieved, but I couldn’t work out if I was mourning the idea of a dad or if I was mourning Douglas Carmichael. To make matters worse he left me a boatload of money and it took me a while to come to terms with how that made me feel. Not to mention, “I was mad at him and he died with me mad at him. ”
Adam slid across the floor and put his arm around me, hugging me close. “Ellie, I thought you stopped feeling guilty about that. He was a shit dad. You had a right to be angry at him, no matter what happened. ”
I nodded and snuggled closer to him, inhaling the scent of him and his aftershave. He smelled good. He always smelled good.
We sat in silence for a while until Adam said, “Just so you know, I barely remember what I did with the catering girl. And I had no idea I said that to you at your party—calling you beautiful and telling you I worried all the time about you. Fucking mixed signals. I was pretty drunk that night. ”
“I know. But in the end you were right about Liam. He ended up cheating on me with Allie. ”
Adam tensed. “That’s why you stopped talking to Allie? Why didn’t you tell me?”